Passive Aggressive Husband


Can I ask your attention now, so you can remember who you really are?


We are the product of many ongoing interactions. The “YOU” that woke up this morning in your own bed and is now writing this, is the handiwork of parents and friends, siblings and acquaintances. Your groups have a hand on what you become, also the natural environment where you grew up is a part of you....

When I was a young mother with five children, there was little time nor energy to search for my own needs or wishes. I was a machine tuned to the needs of the little others depending on me. Big responsibility, big satisfaction to see them safely growing up...and finally an empty feeling of being a stranger to myself...

Who was this woman, perpetually sleep-deprived and busy running from here to there? In the middle of a horrific episode of domestic violence, I had to face myself...Who was I? I do remember leaving the house, taking a bus to an unknown part of the city, crying non-stop on my seat and finally leaving the bus when it stopped at a park. There, I found a bench where to sit for three hours, and face myself...the person I finally was.

I had to hit bottom and experience my own painful isolation from my own resources, alienated from family and friends and constantly empty, to bounce back and begin taking care of myself. First, I needed to touch base with my feelings, accept them, and feel love for this alienated self I was living in.  I understood the way I had forgotten myself as a survival mechanism necessary at the time, but discovered that I never forgot my real self. It was always there, waiting to be happy and grow up!

When I got ready to open my eyes and looked around looking for support, I discovered the profound truth that there was plenty of love around me...

If you have had also such a “desperate” situation and now look back at how you did survive...did you take a long breath to get back to your center? or received a good hug from a friend? shared a short walk with someone? received a call from a friend at the right time,or shared a prayer at any time? Who reminded you of the real you, you were?

Our friends and family and people around us are multiple mirrors of ourselves. And here I’m telling you that being in my list, accepting my invitation to subscribe, has placed you into this invisible network of spiritual connection. I want to make that explicit now, between us.

I want for you and me to be able to see how we are linked to each other.

I’m having the audacity to tell you that we belong to each other...and we are responsible for each other.

Reaching out for you in this way includes fighting my own demons, (the privacy wish, the fear of rejection, some abandonment lurking in the bottom of the fear pile, and on and on...) and challenging this convenient isolation.

Yet, when we realize that we are all building each other up;  that we are all the same evolving soul. If I continue isolated, I can’t grow; If I don’t answer your questions, there is no learning for me...Your delight is the food that nurtures who I am.

Do you want to open your eyes? Can you see that you there (wherever is your there) and me here (in Florida) we both are subject to the same forces and influences, and have to go through the same challenges?  What we become, what each of us involves into, is the responsibility of us all.

This perspective affects our relationships. those  complex interactions that take place among us so we  “can get along”.  There is no different mechanism governing each of these. It’s just us.  Are you excited and amazed at the many ways we can connect/

In short,

We all have our ups and downs. You are in your own path and sometimes, like me, need a push to pursue your goals...sometimes the same goals that feel like an impossible dream, become doable with friendly support. Are you fighting your own, solitaire battle to get solutions to your challenges?

There is value in getting help, in sharing ideas, in having friendly reconnecting in so many ways:

  • some of you wrote me with your questions, and I answered them;
  • some of you got a call from me;
  • some of you called my number, out of the blue,  and had a personal talk with me...

Stop thinking that you have little resources at hand, and see the resources of the universe around you...yours for the taking!

Now, I’m asking YOU:

how are you going to connect with me?

--are you going to answer this letter?

--are you going to say: Hi Nora! at my @peacewonk handle in twitter,  to share some of your experiences?

--are you going to leave your comments on my blog, so I can answer them and we both share with other women?

--are you going to get any of my Kindle books and leave a comment sharing your personal experience?


you can leave your comments at the bottom of this page...

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Paige McCallister
8 years ago

I’m desperate for change because he gives me glimpses of the man I fell in love with & that keeps sucking me back in, I love him, but he’s making me crazy, sad, lonely, emotionally empty, & completely shut down. He will never admit to this problem or seek help. It’s so ingrained in his being, but he can turn it off. When we were dating he was the complete opposite, but when we got married it was like a switch went off & he became this silent, mean person who no longer wanted the intimacy we had before with exception of the bedroom & even that is kinda detached. It’s been 61/2 yrs & I’ve left twice, dealt with an affair & now I’m back, but nothing has changed. I feel like such a failure & I can’t financially make it alone & he knows that & uses that as control all the time. Dieing is what seems the easier path. HELP!!

Reply to  Lorna Eells
8 years ago

Dear Lorna,
first, thanks for sharing with us your situation…We all recognize and love the free spirited, loving and active woman inside you! I would love you to listen to this recording here: so you can get some ideas…The first step, I would say is to get a great picture of that free spirited woman and put that on the wall, near where you work, so you can look at her many times along the day. Let that image sink in, talk to her, and identify with her thoughts, feelings and ideals…As you go about your life, try yo think: “What can I do today to be near her?” Go for a walk? call a good friend? If you keep her near you, the distance would begin to heal and you can know who you are: you are that woman! Can you put flowers to her? dance to her? make a list of her aspects alive now in you? We can talk later about how to get your husband to deliver, but FIRST you need to reconnect with yourself! Keep us here posted, will you?

Lorna Eells
8 years ago

I am so lost. I couldn’t find myself if I wanted to. Since 2006 when I went through he’ll with my PA husband and developed fibromyalgia, followed by deep depression. I’m here living in a new town with a husband that promised he wanted to right the wrongful things he put me through (but hasnt). I simply have no idea how to reconnect with me. The free spirited, loving and active woman I was has gone to be replaced with an over weight, house bound, disabled woman whom I do not recognise. Makes me so sad to just tread water waiting to die when it’s my time.

Lisa Hill
8 years ago

I had to be so intentional about who I put in my life when I was recovering from my divorce to a passive aggressive husband of 23 years. Most people including my family didn’t see how abusive my ex was so I relied heavily on this post and my few friends that believed me. Eventually my kids and family saw how dishonest my ex was, but when I really needed help right after the divorce I connected mostly with people who had been through this type of experience of trying to fix their passive aggressive husbands. Two years after my separation and 1 year after my divorce I am a completely different person in that I am free from broken promises once and for all. I now choose to be around life giving, honest people who love me and want the best for me. They are out there and have made all the difference to me. I had to hit absolute rock bottom before I was ready to face the fact my ex would never change. I’m so glad I finally had my “park bench” moment. The cord of dysfunction finally snapped and God stepped in to give me a brand new start! Thanks for your posts they have been invaluable!!

8 years ago

thanks for sharing…I appreciate your response. Perhaps we can sit together for a while, in silence, up to the moment you calm down and recover yourself? With a little peace around you, and being patient, you can remember yourself. Let’s get to that point now?

8 years ago

I so needed this at this exact moment. I do feel “who am I?”. I also wonder what am I doing….?

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