First things first....Thanks to every one of you who dared share the "Dreams" Survey. Your dreams are so heart-felt and moving that I have to read them a bit at a time...they are so powerful and moving! We will share some reflections on them soon, but first let me give you a taste of the issues we are dealing with here:
The core of some messages goes deep into the issue of IDENTITY:
Like asking the basic existential question:
"Who am I to him? a fellow human being, deserving of respect for my needs, or a mere thing?"
"I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I'm not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my PA husband, I feel like he gives the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I am always being "punished" somehow for having any needs at all."
"That my emotional needs are important to my partner, even if he does not understand them completely; if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me and not try and undermine and deny how I feel."
"I want to feel that my emotional needs are important to him and I would like him to show it with his behavior, not just say it."
Looks like the marriage deal is a not so hidden contract of reciprocal confirmation: "I will confirm that you are a valuable human being by listening and respecting your needs, and you will do the same for me..."
Even when violation of this basic contract between you and your spouse is happening all the time, our survey confirms that any of you forgets the basic purpose of being married: to get support, confirmation and validation from your spouse, and reciprocally, to give to him this kind of recognition.
What happens if we feel that we give him respect, attention and validation, but not receive the same for our own needs? Well, sometimes I tend to think if this behavior is the norm, then I'm getting shortchanged and abused. Our human need to be appreciated never goes away, what it does is to force us to find other sources for it. If we don't satisfy it, our soul whiter and dies of starvation. What other will see is our lack of a strong self-esteem....what we experience is the loss of an inner center of strength and identity.
And why a spouse? because that is the most important contract of our lives! to find another person who can see and appreciate our qualities, (even the hidden ones) and praise them and admire them...This is the real basis for love, do you agree?
We tend to love those compassionate people who can see in us positive aspects perhaps we tend to ignore, and talk about them, and appreciate them, and make them real....
Here and then, you know that you really matter to that person... Is there a better love proof!
- Neil Warner
