All this year, working on some issues about how to love and connect, we have developed a line of thinking that goes like this:
We all have different humans needs, modulated in the shapes that our attachment provided for us.
We all have needs for love and connection, but you will express them normally if you had a secure attachment and can trust others, or will be ambivalent between trusting and running away, so feeling always anxious about the strength of the connection, or the person will not give a dam, because a previous attachment has caused the loss of trust in human connections...
So, we find someone and fell in love, and the hidden hope is that now, finally, this new person will heal the past attachment wound and make a strong connection in which trust will be reborn.
To break the spell, you need to do a long path:
- identify your kind of attachment;
- recognize which kind of avoidant or anxious behaviors are coming with the attachment
- make a realistic plan of the kind of help your partner can offer in order to support behavior changes;
- learn the new scripts for connecting in a secure way with loved ones
So, if you really want to be happy, to have the glow of being in a relationship where the other person recognizes the best in you...You know the steps.
Begin using appreciation, change the way you connect with others by learning how and when to trust, and have fun using new, loving words to connect.
In short, planning for next year:
Perhaps we could help you, making a list of positive comments to express again and again?
And teach you how to detach from toxic interactions and be in this positive space, regardless of the situation?
Offering you a sneaky, powerful, and true relationship builder method you can do yourself...
That would be powerful, right? because it solves the basic people’s hunger for connection/approval
So: no more doing reproaching or accusations, but building an emotional connection, doing appreciation.
Basically, you need to follow three steps:
a) decide what behavior you want to change
b) observe positive aspects of the behavior, ignore negative behavior
c) feed the human need for recognition by giving praise
Isn't it easy?
If I could change your resentment, and old anger, and frustration, and teach you how to build a new connection,
would that be a great change in your life? Of course, yes!
If some of the ideas here resonate with you, let me know...I need your input, to know that the ideas and proposals I'm thinking of have a useful role in your life...
If you think that a complimentary phone chat with me can help you, here is the scheduling link. Waiting for the chat with you!!
Thank you … the most important issue l have learnt is that his behaviour towards me is the only one he can do…i always read your articles.
Sadly, these issues seem to have been around since day one for me, core issues, invisible, but hopefully not invincible. The noose was prepared long before words described strange worlds, hard to accept that I feel like a happy, giving, joy filled person until a loved one’s behaviour or actions puts me in a tail spin into a dark and hateful place, and I fall apart, revealing a dog eared version of myself as a cold and unlovable partner that can do nothing to stop the steam rolling of PA behaviour once it begins….. If I ever want to enjoy a real, close and enduring relationship, learning how to unknit the past will have to occupy most of my time.