Leave the emotionally unavailable man to himself and take responsibility for your emotional needs.
You have been asking lots of questions about how to improve your love relationship; reading books and participating in forums where people gave you ideas and support, but still there are no visible changes in the emotional link with the person you love? It's time to regroup and evaluate this point in your life.
It's pretty significant that you are still waiting for his love to make a difference in your life; it is perhaps a chronic condition in your life...If this has happened before to you, perhaps we should be looking at what kind of attachment has reduced now your choices of finding something different from the emotional insecurity of your first years...But, let's look at the present now:
Investing a lot of time and energy in relationship damage repair, like asking for forgiveness, trying to read between the lines, eavesdropping his mood to see what can be talked about, and fearing for the future, then you need to face some hard questions. The first one is: Am I waiting for love, and connection from a man who is incapable of intimacy? Am I expecting cooperation and compromise from a man who never learned how to be part of a group and only thinks on himself? Can this man heal his emotional unavailable self and does he want to change? Does he spend his energy avoiding recriminations instead of having a plan for change?
You have a set of new answers here. Look at them, breathe deeply and decide if what you are looking at is what you need in your life. The focus of this exercise is to compare both sets of images:
a) your needs and expectations;
b) what you are receiving from him
If you have tried to discuss the issue with him, and he gets upset and accusatory, but is unable to look at himself and see if there is any truth in your claims, then a new conversation will not work. You will get progressively more frustrated with him, getting nothing in return. Here, look at yourself and ask: how much do I need to live with this level of emotional deprivation? It can get to a point when you realize that you've done as much as you could; that change is depending on his will only, and as much as you ask for it, nothing happens; and it is beginning to affect your health, or your work, or relationships with other good people in your life...
Now, it is in your hands to make a decision. Perhaps only leaving him will signify to him that the lack of emotional connection is serious and can cause him being dumped. This would tell him that he needs to grow up his emotional side, either with therapy or a coach or some external help that can repair his inability to connect. Moreover, you are confirming that you are taking seriously your own needs for love and connection, and could or would move on to another relationship any moment.
Need help to think this issue through? it is central to your happiness, so please, ask for help. You can have a talk with Coach Nora, scheduling here. You are free to ask for support anytime now!
Yes. I feel starved for emotional connection. But, now that the divorce is over and I am 2 1/2 years into it, I am alone and still don’t have that emotional connection with anyone so I am not sure what to do about it. I have an elementary age daughter and a teenager and I feel like what is fair to them is to not bring any new people into their lives because their father picked up with someone immediately from day one. Also, since I almost always have my girls, which is no problem because I love them, I don’t have time to be screening all kinds of men and I am not sure how many men are capable or even interested in connecting emotionally. Are there a lot of single/divorced men in their late forties capable of a relationship based on mutuality and dual respect for one another? I’d like to know what the odds are before I go spinning my wheels. I am lonely. Also, I agree with you Nora, I believe a lot of damage happened to me and I wish there were solutions…. EMDR of any use? It seems I can’t stop being angry that he just couldn’t want all of us to be happy and to cooperate instead of pulling all that defensive “…that’s not what you really want,” crap.
Talking from experience its the worst feeling in the world, near hell experirnce. The best solution is to get out fast.
Thanks Janet, you are right…the impact of emotional isolation in the brain of the rejected person now is visible through research on brain functioning. We knew it before, but now, we can say that it produces real damage! perhaps we should come up with healing solutions for the lack of connection…By the way, I appreciate you connecting here!
All of this rings much more deeply as the years are moving along and the divorce is about to kick off….as all women or all people we all deserve a deep emotional connection….living with someone who is self centred is not good for one’s physical/mental/emotinal or spiritual life.