Do you have his support when you cry?

When I feel that he is “Punishing Me for Crying,” the dream I’m yearning for is… comfort.

Most of the responses (68%) expressed dreams around the following insights:

1. “I wish that he honestly cared and was concerned when he saw that I was crying. I wish he could see that I’m hurting, pure and simple. What I need at those times is not to be dismissed or told I’m playing the victim, like usual – I need comfort and understanding, things that come only with real, honest communication.”
2. “It would be wonderful if I could be emotional when I need to and he would just hug me close, stroke my hair, and let me cry it out. I don’t want to feel that I have to hide from him or he’ll laugh at me for crying. That’s just not healthy; everybody cries. I’d rather have compassion and a desire to make me feel better.”
3. “I want to be able to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, whatever it is that’s troubling me, without being made to feel that my feelings are unfounded and that I'm being unreasonable. My husband is a Marine and can’t grasp the concept of ‘crying.’ That’s a very lonely situation.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to comfort you?

• “He lets me know that my emotions are valid and that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do.”
• “Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about why I’m sad - the important thing is that he always asks why.”
• “If he makes me cry, he is sure to stop himself and comfort me. He always regrets his conduct and tries to work things out in a different way.”
• “He knows that sexual passion is not enough – sometimes I need some simple compassion.”

I simply need to feel safe when I'm down!

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel safe to express pain and sadness, and to be comforted by him …how are you going to find the safe space where to be able to express your emotions ? How are you going to ask for empathy and respect for your feelings, whatever they can be? And how are you going to feel supported and comforted when life delivers one of these blows that makes you (and everybody else) need a good cry to feel better?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I'm the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!
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  1. I’m in the middle/end of a divorce after 33 yrs. of pure hell: we’ve been separated for over a yr. now. Like the Marine above, my husband didn’t get feelings why I’ll never get it. After playing games w/me over our divorce & me threatening to ask the judge to pay my Attorney bill, he is finally starting to cooperate w/selling our properties. After having him at the house last weekend, I have realized how hard it was living w/this person & can understand why I gave up yrs. ago. I can’t start a sentence w/o him interrupting forget trying to discuss the simplist matter within an hours time. After he left, I sent him an email titled “my marriage of 33 yrs….my viewpoint”. In that letter I basically glanced over 33 yrs. of his way & how that affected me & our daughter. Also for the lst time, I think he realized how much he actually removed himself from my life & our child’s life by his PA behavior & actions. We all know it’s their way or the highway, they don’t do feelings & they are always right even when their wrong. They can’t keep quiet to hear anything or anyone since their too busy thinking of their side. In my email, I cruised through the loss of my parents which was long & drawn out, several pregnancies & miscarriages at age 44 (didn’t know I could even get pregnant), an accident I had 3 wks after having back surgery which necessitated another surgery to correct damage, all inside of 4 mo., along w/several other hurtful events in my life & daughter’s life. He is suddenly treating me different, but I am not naive to think anything will ever be different. As I said to him in my letter, who is the stupid one now, that he is living in a 2 bdrm apt. alone at age 60. All of this because he didn’t do feelings. He was verbally, emotionally & sometimes physically abusive; I know he could never change. What a shame! He is a good provider & so was I, but after a recent Court date, my attorney said to me “one day he will realize what he lost”……to which I said “You can’t realize what you lost if you never realize what you had in the first place. He was given a gift by God & it was our daughter & me” The sad reality is these men just never get it. You can cry, beg & plead, but they still don’t get it. My husband, now I think is starting to get it, but it’s too late. I told my Best Friend, no matter what happens, I’m moving ahead. If he wants to come for dinner once in a while…..fine, but I’m not stupid enough to believe he has had a big awakening at his age. I don’t mind being friends later on for our daughter’s sake & that’s it. God knows I did everthing in my power & then some to stave off the inevitable & he has not made the last yr. a picnic either. He’s played the same games I lived with for 33 yrs. Now though, I realize I should have left 15 yrs. earlier since our daughter would have been better of without him in the house. She’s, unfortunately, been affected by his behavior & at age 23 I will now have to work hard for her to understand what a “real husband & man” should look & act like before she get’s married: I only hope I’m not too late.

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