Use Logic Over Emotions for a Healthy Relationship
Women firmly believe that communication in a couple works when we share what we feel. In our female to female conversations, what happens is that the other person feels invited to share also her feelings. This is the field where we experience reciprocal sharing creating wonderful feelings of being understood and supported.
What is sad to see is that this assumption: "If I share, the other person will share too," doesn't work with men...they are wired differently. And for them, sharing pivots on trust and respect. In short, they play by a different set of rules, which are mainly ignored by us women.
What are the consequences? many, and not so productive...If we do share a lot trying to invite a withdrawn spouse to share, we will get the opposite effect. Our hidden assumption is preventing us to get near to the truth:
Perhaps you are just beginning a new relationship, and already you know what exactly you want from it. This is a set of expectations alive and pushing you from your heart, but not out in the open...You don't want to rock the boat by being very specific, so you say nothing....And if indicators that this is the wrong guy are popping right and left, you are still silent, now pretending that things are OK and that he will come to understand what your needs are sooner or later. Al the time, you need more substantial love, support, and commitment, but repress those expectations, as not to scare him...
All the time this mismatch goes on, with progressive frustration and abandonment of your personal needs, you begin to feel unfulfilled, and worried that you are starving;
--perhaps you can do other ineffective tactics, as to drop "hints" about what you really need from the relationship;
--he continues as before, and your frustration grows because now you have the secondary injury: he ignores voluntarily to do whatever makes you happy!
Now, comes the "talk," when you express all your frustration and pain to him, making an emotionally destructive confrontation:
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where you tell him all the aspects in which he is useless and worthless and so he receives an ultimatum;
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or you present him with a list of demands, ignoring that he feels utterly rejected...
Now, he responds by being silent, hostile, even more, disconnected from you, and carving his own personal niche blocking you out. We know that this withdrawal is a protective mechanism by which they defend themselves from the nagging feeling that they "are not good enough for us." Does it matter here and now? Very little, because it offers more loneliness and despair for you!
Of course, you are now in an emotional disaster! how can we change this situation? Can you answer YES! to this question: Are you able to follow the next steps?
First Step: calm yourself. This is not another abandonment, but a disconnection between different communication styles. He is not the cold and frustrating entity you see now, but the good guy you knew at the beginning. Do something like taking care of your emotions: go for a walk, take a peaceful day off, get a massage, etc.
Second Step: plan a conversation where you share with him exactly what your needs are. No drama, no emotional attacks, but a calm opportunity to tell him: "I'm here, in this situation...can you match me?" and then add: "What about your own needs?" All the time, keep breathing deeply and listen. If you take all the drama and anguish, that he inevitably will interpret as an accusation about him: "not being good enough as a lover," you will get an honest response...
Third Step: write down what transpired in the conversation. Use a chart, so you can locate your own needs on the left side of the chart, and his responses on the right...Now, you need to leave this document alone for several days, so you can get some perspective.
Fourth Step: do you think that both sides of the table are negotiable? does the follow-up conversation reveals to you that he is thinking about your needs by himself, and planning how to answer them? In what way this new approach of stating your needs in a calm and respectful way has changed the conversation with your significant other? More to follow...
Meanwhile, if you prepare your chart and need help identifying your emotional needs, you can always share here below, send a message, post in AskNora, or schedule a free coaching session! There is help in your way...
