Women in pvvassive aggressive relationships, or PA women themselves, often develop a vocabulary specific to their situation. This vocabulary, innocent as it appears, can cause numerous communication problems between the PA and the partner trying to handle them.
Fine – An “I give up” way to quickly end an argument. Cliche and used often in sitcoms, it nevertheless occurs in everyday relationships, inhibiting any progress that could have been made through calm discussion. Fine establishes the speaker’s lack of intention to respect the situation and its issues.
Nothing – Nothing never means nothing. A PA may use this to sow doubt or retaliate against her partner, and a partner may use this to retaliate against the PA. In either case, it works against progress the same way “fine” does. In fact, arguments that start with “nothing” usually end in “fine,” proving the uselessness of both words.
Go ahead (and/or see if I care) – The ever-tricky trap. A PA might use this to lure the partner into doing something that the PA can use against them later. If a partner says this to a PA, they are merely reinforcing whatever behavior is going on, even if it gets them out of the current situation.
Be sure to distinguish between “Thanks” and “Thanks a lot.” If you find yourself about to commit to the latter, stop yourself. Sarcasm is the surest way to maim a conversation and infuriate the receiver.
Replying “You’re welcome” to a "Thanks a lot" may result in the last word – “Whatever.”
Whatever – Whatever is very similar to fine, nothing, and go ahead. However, it has the added perk of insulting the receiver. “Whatever,” no matter the true feelings behind it, will usually express the painful weight of an insult or a rejection, a complete shutdown of the other person. Coming from a PA, a single “whatever” is very destructive; coming from the PA’s partner, it is ammunition and a means to placing blame.
Surviving a passive aggressive relationship takes focus and a skillful way with words, because words are the rocks that partners often throw at one another in their anger and frustration. Choosing the right words at the right time is incredibly important in working toward change and mutual respect.
If you truly love someone, you can quit assigning blame and take your troubled relationship to a good counselor for help. You can admit that you are part of the problem.
This Neil Warner guy doesn’t seem to know a lot about wtf he’s talking about. My wife subscribe to this horse sh*t.
“And then, in a moment of clarity, you remember…who you are. The one you were before finding him, and living this simulacre of love and marriage; the girl with illusion and courage to make a wonderful and fulfilling life for herself….
She is still there; she always will be, waiting to get back on the path of personal development started etc etc blah blah blah…”
The person she was before her and I became we, was a self destructive girl, who used drugs daily and was reckless having sex with multiple people, without considering the dangers of STDs, pregnancy, etc. I turned her around, got her away from the bad crowd, helped her clean up from the drugs and start fresh. I taught her everything I learned. Gave her skills, security, etc. Are you trying to save marriages or destroy them? In 8 years of marriage I have never cheated, I may not be perfect, but the advice u send in your emails are absurd. The real problem in marriages is the fact so many lack loyalty, honor, and integrity. There have been times where I have been passive aggressive, I don’t know one person on this earth who hasn’t been at least once. In a moment of clarity, you remember…who you are? If we are constantly learn and grown more each day, why would we ever want to go back to the person we once were? Especially if that person wasn’t a very good or in the right state of mind person. If you truly love someone then you never give up the fight, you never stop caring. You push forward and you make it happen. You lay all your cards on the table, and then and only then, you let them make the choice to go or stay.