We hear a lot about the fact that sometimes the only solution for our pain is "letting go..."
What does it mean, and why it looks so difficult to accomplish?
Do you remember attachment?
we have explained in several ways how attachment works and why do we need a good, secure attachment in our lives to experience life's happiness.
Paradoxically, we have insecure or toxic attachments that deliver frustration, pain and loneliness instead. To keep pushing to keep alive a toxic attachment is not doing us any good.
OK, let's suppose that you got to the conclusion that you have been attached to, and trying to get your needs fulfilled through a relationship that is constantly frustrating you. As much as you are patient, understanding and cooperative, the other side is blind to your needs. Or, even worst, he/she can be upset with you, calling you names like "you are so dependent on me.." and in general putting you down. Would you prefer the word "rejection," instead? OK, you are being rejected, and it hurts like hell...
So, you are at home, all alone, and suddenly, your mind has a thought: "it's time to let go."
Kind of having a metaphorical voice inside your head telling you it's time to detach.
But How Do You Do It?
Get a piece of paper, make two columns: in the first one, all the positive aspects of the relationship; on the second column, all what you experienced as painful or damaging. The purpose of this exercise is to acknowledge everything this relationship means to you, so you can say goodbye to all.
Once you have your two columns filled, take a step back: see the relationship as a whole quilt composed of good and bad pieces.
It's important for you to say good-bye to both sides of the chart.
Think like saying some words like:
"I release all the benefits of this relationship, in order to get rid of the hurtful aspects of it, all and every one of them..."
Watch your breathing while you do this:
you need to be alert, conscious and focused on what you are doing.
Keep breathing deep breaths while you go one by one of the list items, and feel the feeling of releasing them...if you can, visualize them flying away from you, leaving you alone.
Finally, look at your list, and decide the way of destroying that piece of paper.
Sometimes burning it provides a good feeling of detachment...
Keep breathing now, and experience the wonderful feeling of pain release...
This is the art of letting go!
Janet, this is a wise comment…I was suggesting to look at both sides of the experience because to let go, we need to release both sides…If we still are attached to the few, little aspects of goodness in the relationship, we can never leave or detach. it is when you look both at pros and cons, that you can tell yourself:
“even with all those pro aspects, still the balance is negative…I need to go, but I now have to find a replacement for the good aspects I had.”
I think this is a wise message…making a chart with pros and cons…at the end of the day we did in fact marry these men so they had to have some redeeming qualities(lol)…Often it’s realizing that the two of you took the relationship as far as you could….it’s what you learn when you walk away that is important. Forgive yourself and forgive him.