Desperately Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Husband?

Regardless of what your partner says about "forgetting details," start asking yourself is there is:

• Discrepancy between what he promises and what he delivers;
• Avoidance of his responsibility, always blaming others;
• "Good" words expressed, but nothing to show.

You can look at those behaviors and see indicators of passive aggressive punishment, provided they are consistent and often centered around one particular type of activity. Here's a good example: if Robert generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one "miss" may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often only sabotages Tina's attendance to a particular event (her therapy sessions or her female friend's group monthly dinner) while denying he is intending to do so, an attack pattern is emerging.

According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, indirect expressions of hostility—including passive aggressive behaviors—are associated with higher levels of relationship dissatisfaction and are often rooted in early attachment experiences where direct expression of anger was discouraged or punished.

II.- Start "Operation Consequence" When Words and Actions Don't Match:

In order to nip his passive aggressive attack in the bud, you must show that you are going to handle it in an adult way, taking action and not throwing a fit, as he expects you to do.

a) Your task is then to:

• Suspect sabotage and resistance;
• Suspend expectations: "I don't wait for you to show for the party one hour late"
• Say gently: "As I could not be sure you would go, I decided to do it alone.".

b) Learn his hidden anger indicators:You can halt future attacks in their tracks by learning his patterns and indicators. People are creatures of habit, and passive aggressive husbands are no different. Here are some examples of indicators that he is hiding his anger and is trying to attack/punish you:

• Vengeful "accidents" such as ruining only your things: deleting files, burning food, etc.;
• No emotional reaction, indifference to share your joy over an accomplishment;
• Detaching from the people or family members you love, no reason given

c) Confront efficiently:

• Collect proofs by having another person around or taking notes;
• Prove connection between actions and damages by showing how one leads to another;

Establish responsibility by presenting him with the choice between child or adult behavior, like:
"When you mistreat my parents, as you did this afternoon hanging up on them, I feel hurt because later I need to do a lot of explaining. Is this the way you want them to see you?"

d) Control Your Desire to Attack Back

• Detach as not to respond emotionally, as in crying or throwing a tantrum (discussed above);
• Remember: if you have outraged reactions to passive-aggressive behavior, you are emotionally rewarding the passive-aggressive husband.

e) Practice much-needed detachment and self-discipline

We say not to throw a tantrum at your husband, but you will gather a lot of anger and frustration living with him...It is of course normal, and must be dealt with in a healthy way. So, you need to:

• Work on yourself, to sort out any deep animosity you may have towards this person;
• Examine the relationship and find moments in which you gave control, responsibility or power to this person;
• Link the power given to him with the results obtained, and ask yourself: "Am I being shortchanged here"?
• Pay attention to your first reaction, the emotional one, because this is probably the most truthful. You are allowed to feel resentful, frustrated or angry at his skillful defection; it's a natural reaction. And it is the tantrum version of this reaction that your husband is setting you up to have. You can take back control by handling that anger in an adult way. Keep breathing deeply so you can control yourself!

• Now, you want to confront this person in the most productive way, diverging from showing this person how much he can hurt you. The "emotional outburst" type of confrontation will not serve your purpose. If you allow yourself to show your disappointment, then he has fulfilled his mission!

III. Decide What You Need to Accomplish When Confronting Passive Aggressive Behavior:

Is is basic that you know what you're trying to accomplish, by recognizing and handling his passive aggressive attack. Ask yourself, what is your real goal upon seeing him sabotage you and your best projects?

What goal will help you live a better life and not be brought down to his level? It is to...

• Let your husband know of your frustration? what is accomplished here?
• Have a cathartic show of your pain, so you can feel better, and he knows how to hurt you?
• Get him to finally deliver? Now, you are talking! you need him to deliver!

All of these are worthy aims, but remember that the first two are dangerously close to the tantrum throwing result that he wants to see. Finally, what you want is to get him to deliver, right?

Is time then to do some Fair Fighting, in a calm, rational but direct way. You can learn here how to fight for the satisfaction of your emotional needs.

Remember that the best way is to detach emotionally from any result, and see if he can recognize his involvement in this marriage and moves towards cooperating with you in making it happen.

If you get him involved in his own healing through following the My Healthier Marriage Program, then you are in the good path to recovery...

Good luck!