Why are there so many silent men?
80% of men prefer to “clam up” and not share their personal thoughts with loved ones, in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, rejected or criticized. This is according to a survey recently conducted by Creative Conflict Resolutions, applied to their clients lists.
Creative Conflict Resolutions tested more than 900 men by using an online questionnaire, in order to determine the presence of passive aggressive behavior in each test-taker. This test has twenty-one questions about the way people approach communication and emotional issues in their relationship, and it is still available for free at their site, Passive Aggressive Test.
Their findings show that among passive aggressive men, and sometimes even with otherwise emotionally healthy men, there is an insistent urge to hide true feelings and opinions.
This leads to the confusing situation that many couples face during a passive aggressive relationship. The passive aggressive person makes promises, agrees, and otherwise goes along with his partner to avoid feeling vulnerable - but then doesn’t deliver, because they never really meant to. Their partners feel frustrated by this contradictory behavior, and confront the promise-breaker with this fateful message: “I think you might be passive aggressive.”
The result? A vicious cycle where the passive aggressive person retreats more, clams up more, trying to fly under their partner’s emotional needs radar. It turns into a situation of extreme isolation and growing lack of trust, which can end the marriage.
Another interesting statistic? 68% of the men tested said they found some satisfaction in being called out; they felt that had gotten “revenge” by breaking a promise to someone who deserved to be let down. Why the revenge? This is the core of the Creative Conflicts proposal: to find the heart of the passive aggressive person’s hurt, which prompts him to take revenge against people who are only looking for a deeper connection.
Creative Conflicts wants to share this information with both the passive aggressive man and his partner, addressing both the causes and the effects of passive aggressive behavior. “The partner of a passive aggressive person can spend the best 20-30 years of their life trying to decode this maddening double message, all while being accused of thinking crazy thoughts and be overly needy when the subject is brought up, and thus suffering from a debilitating low self-esteem.
After analyzing the results and the implications thereof, Creative Conflicts created a new set of tools for the passive aggressive husband, to complement the tools they already offer for his unsuspecting partner. With their survey, Creative Conflicts gained greater perspective on the mindset of the passive aggressive man and where his emotional needs lie. Their tools outline the path and steps a passive aggressive man needs to take in order to heal his emotional disconnection and his sending double messages. Creative Conflicts’ new system is ready for their clients, and has already met with success. It can be found at the "4 Steps to FREE Your Marriage of Passive Aggression" program.
Hi Nora,
I am living with my fiance for almost 2yrs, the 1yr was good but since about 3-4months he has been really insensitive and cold, he is now sleeping on the couch, its like nothing pleases him, anyway, he has been going to the doctor and taking meds so i decide to look up the meds online its for enlarge prostate and he is keeping this to himself, this info allows me to be a little more patient with him. I love and miss him so much, we do not have no intimacy at all, but we do have a good relationship outside of the intimacy, is this normal, some times i feel to just leave him, pls advise thanks
Dear Debbie,
probably what your gut feeling was telling you was that he couldn’t engage with you at the level of deep emotional connection…As much as any person can use verbal declarations of love, not supported by the corresponding feelings, we tend to perceive the contradiction and the message feels empty.
Let’s say that in real serious cases, the childhood trauma has left stunted individuals who can’t connect with others. It means a too risky proposition for them, so they block it away. All the time, to be included, they have to go through the motions of appearing connected or engaged with another person. At a deeper level, they know they can’t allow that to happen.
Is very sad, to be so needed for love and connection, and so afraid of connecting that security means amputating the chance of loving and trusting another human being.
What could be your learning from this experience? You didn’t waste those years; because there is a lesson to be learned here.
Trust your gut;
If you don’t feel loved, walk away;
Don’t spend years and years waiting;
Learn to love yourself;
Remember your life purpose and go back to do it!
The whole time I was married to my ex-husband of 30 yrs. my 6th sense was telling me through his constant PA behavior that he simply no longer liked, nor loved me. By reading this blog, it’s clear to me now the revenge factor, nor staying true to their word says it all. He really didn’t love me, nor like me for all of those yrs. My gut was right. I wasted all those yrs for what?