When I experience “Long Silences for No Reason,” the dream I’m yearning for is… connection.
We have here some 89% of the responses expressed dreams about:
1. “I would like to feel that he is silent because everything is right between us, and there’s no need to fill up space with words. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Nothing is right.”
2. “I want an open and honest relationship. Instead, he sits around sulking, making me guess why he is feeling the way that he is. He should care enough to help make the relationship better, not degrade it.”
3. “After I express my feelings, I want to be shown respect and an urgency to resolve problems. Not be given the silent treatment, where he watches television, works, and does everything but talk to me. Those long silences make me feel like I’m married to a five year old.”
In what other ways would you know that the two of you share a connection?
• “If he can’t talk about it right now, he lets me know when he can get back to me.”
• “He never shuts down just because he doesn’t want to deal with the problem. He knows that would make me feel like I did something wrong.”
• “He doesn’t just sit there and think about things, he shares them as he’s thinking them.”
• “I don’t need a magic wand to make him talk to me, it just comes easily.”
• “Our behaviors mesh together well most of the time – when they don’t, we work it out.”
• “We work together even when the issues are difficult so that we maintain a productive relationship.”
• “No one suffers in silence alone. We openly share our deepest emotions and fears with each other.”
• “He appreciates my conversation and my company, no matter how simple it may be sometimes.”
I simply need to feel included.
NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel included, to have open communication based on reciprocal trust, and to be able to share and receive personal confidences from your husband, how are you going to send him the message that it is OK to talk about everything? How are you going to stand up and express your need to have a sensible and kind response from him?
Perhaps letting him know that sulking is not a mature response, using assertive language? Are you going to invite yourself to practice assertive phrases beginning with “I”, and following with a description of his behavior, and then closing with a description of the consequences?
“When you remain silent after I told you what worries me, I feel (abandoned) (rejected) (isolated?) and I have to accept that my worries are meaningless to you, so I my conclusion is that I should keep them to myself. Let me know if this is true, so I can take other choices.”
Neil Warner
About Neil Warner