To survive a passive-aggressive marriage and keep your self-esteem high, you need a change of mindset
FAIR WARNING: If you are a loving, tender, and dedicated wife, who wants to have a loving marriage, why are you here? You'd better find another website, more appropriate by telling you how to enhance marital happiness. To survive a passive-aggressive marriage and keep your self-esteem high, you need a change of mindset
Here we have a very, very different game. One that you would not believe at all if we talk with your younger self...You'd be horrified by this conversation and would think that I'm terribly cynical about the possibility of having a loving and trusting marriage...
This post is for the warriors out there. Those of you who have not given up, but don't nurture any of the illusions of your marriage first years...Those are all gone, or better off, were systematically destroyed. And why are you still hanging out, in this desert of a relationship? And how do you survive here?
Do you want to hear what one of those warriors have to say? Here are their survival strategies...not for the faint of heart:
There are no ready formulas but the main thing is don’t show fear or weakness. He is the weakest in the relationship, otherwise, he wouldn’t defend himself – actually because he is afraid to get too close, so he wouldn’t have to think about losing you. But he needs you more than you can ever believe. You obviously don’t want a relationship where you have to play games all the time – it’s tiring – but if you want to stay, you must learn how to play by his rules.
You need to have a strong social and strong, interesting work-life to carry on doing what you gotta do because the more independent you are, the more you show that you don’t need him.
It is very difficult to practice this attitude, but you need to lose your fear of losing him!
You must change your attitudes. If he talks about another girl, say "Oh, yes, she is wonderful!" This reaction kills him. They have not to see the tears in your eyes or your expression. Belittle, ignore, don’t bite. Don’t bite it!! Flirt can even be one of his games, and made up affairs or his talking about a girl is a tool to make you jealous too!
Withdrawing romantic pieces from the marriage, one by one is part of the plan. If you complain about the lovely things missing, you won’t have them ever. If you ignore him and live your life independent of him, he will notice you in a different way.
Be brave: Get your own flowers, take the dancing lessons, and buy your best clothes with impunity, because he needs to see you as a woman who respects her own needs.
Grow, develop new tastes, and find exciting new activities to enjoy, always focusing on your own development first. Don't be afraid of taking a trip by yourself!
If he keeps restricting pleasure and enjoyment, you keep showing him that you can have pleasure and enjoy life, first inviting him and when he refuses, doing them by yourself.
Showing that you are not controlled by him and that you WILL leave if he pushes too hard because you have better things to do than being controlled by his negative ideas.
If you get inspired to the ultimate trick, you can even challenge his reality: when he is doing something only to hurt you, you can say:
"You never act like that, doesn’t match with your words, you are always such a nice person, I’m sorry but I can see the trick, can I get my nice husband now.”
As his rhetoric is used to upset you, you are doing two different strategies that challenge his reality:
- refuse to believe in the reality he presents to you because that is not your reality;
- remind him that he can be even agreeable, giving him a different version of his reality
Systematically ignoring his negative propositions, not taking them as true, or ignoring them altogether is the magical key...
“I got so much understanding of all his games that it’s not much left to confuse, or offend me, so when he tries, I can say ‘I know you well, you are always great, this is not that cool guy I know’.”
His pathology forces him to always deny and blame you, as to control your personal degree of self-esteem.
“I have to say it’s being not always easy but now it’s 70% better, because I changed my attitudes, and I understand that he isn’t a bad person, but he has his reasons and got hurt at some point of his life so it was the defense that helps his weakness. Believe me, he already has changed a lot, for the better. When he does something good, I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate that!”
If you don’t hear his critical comments as true, if you ignore them, transform them into something positive (“isn’t it wonderful how do you tolerate such a miserable wife for so long years? it is admirable”!) and keep your mindset focused on your own goals, you can survive your passive-aggressive marriage. And, from that point, you would do good trying to discover the meaning in your life of having such a challenge...
P.D. Content recovered from a post on the section AskNora, of this site. Thanks a lot!