Passive Aggressive Husband

To survive a passive-aggressive marriage and keep your self-esteem high, you need a change of mindset

leave a passive aggressive manFAIR WARNING: If you are a loving, tender, and dedicated wife, who wants to have a loving marriage, why are you here? You'd better find another website, more appropriate by telling you how to enhance marital happiness. To survive a passive-aggressive marriage and keep your self-esteem high, you need a change of mindset

Here we have a very, very different game. One that you would not believe at all if we talk with your younger self...You'd be horrified by this conversation and would think that I'm terribly cynical about the possibility of having a loving and trusting marriage...

This post is for the warriors out there. Those of you who have not given up, but don't nurture any of the illusions of your marriage first years...Those are all gone, or better off, were systematically destroyed. And why are you still hanging out, in this desert of a relationship? And how do you survive here?

Do you want to hear what one of those warriors have to say? Here are their survival strategies...not for the faint of heart:

There are no ready formulas but the main thing is don’t show fear or weakness. He is the weakest in the relationship, otherwise, he wouldn’t defend himself – actually because he is afraid to get too close, so he wouldn’t have to think about losing you. But he needs you more than you can ever believe. You obviously don’t want a relationship where you have to play games all the time – it’s tiring – but if you want to stay, you must learn how to play by his rules.

You need to have a strong social and strong, interesting work-life to carry on doing what you gotta do because the more independent you are, the more you show that you don’t need him.

It is very difficult to practice this attitude, but you need to lose your fear of losing him!

You must change your attitudes. If he talks about another girl, say "Oh, yes, she is wonderful!" This reaction kills him. They have not to see the tears in your eyes or your expression. Belittle, ignore, don’t bite. Don’t bite it!! Flirt can even be one of his games, and made up affairs or his talking about a girl is a tool to make you jealous too!

Withdrawing romantic pieces from the marriage, one by one is part of the plan. If you complain about the lovely things missing, you won’t have them ever. If you ignore him and live your life independent of him, he will notice you in a different way.

Be brave: Get your own flowers, take the dancing lessons, and buy your best clothes with impunity, because he needs to see you as a woman who respects her own needs.

Grow, develop new tastes, and find exciting new activities to enjoy, always focusing on your own development first. Don't be afraid of taking a trip by yourself!

If he keeps restricting pleasure and enjoyment, you keep showing him that you can have pleasure and enjoy life, first inviting him and when he refuses, doing them by yourself.

Showing that you are not controlled by him and that you WILL leave if he pushes too hard because you have better things to do than being controlled by his negative ideas.

If you get inspired to the ultimate trick, you can even challenge his reality: when he is doing something only to hurt you,  you can say:

"You never act like that, doesn’t match with your words, you are always such a nice person,  I’m sorry but I can see the trick, can I get my nice husband now.”

As his rhetoric is used to upset you, you are doing two different strategies that challenge his reality:

  1. refuse to believe in the reality he presents to you because that is not your reality;
  2. remind him that he can be even agreeable, giving him a different version of his reality

Systematically ignoring his negative propositions, not taking them as true, or ignoring them altogether is the magical key...

“I got so much understanding of all his games that it’s not much left to confuse, or offend me, so when he tries, I can say ‘I know you well, you are always great, this is not that cool guy I know’.”

His pathology forces him to always deny and blame you, as to control your personal degree of self-esteem.

“I have to say it’s being not always easy but now it’s 70% better, because I changed my attitudes, and I understand that he isn’t a bad person, but he has his reasons and got hurt at some point of his life so it was the defense that helps his weakness. Believe me, he already has changed a lot, for the better. When he does something good, I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate that!”

If you don’t hear his critical comments as true, if you ignore them, transform them into something positive (“isn’t it wonderful how do you tolerate such a miserable wife for so long years? it is admirable”!) and keep your mindset focused on your own goals, you can survive your passive-aggressive marriage. And, from that point, you would do good trying to discover the meaning in your life of having such a challenge...


P.D. Content recovered from a post on the section AskNora, of this site. Thanks a lot!

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9 years ago

I found this site the end of 2009. I tried a 3 week separation later that spring with a list of requests. I went on to grieve and accept the loss of hope and managed to find happiness and fulfillment in other places until I started yearning for greater possibilities and for my children to see a different mom. I was scared that if I divorced him I would live in the ghetto, on food stamps working 2 jobs while my kids hanged out with druggies. My divorce process has taken almost a year, fighting for custody and property and threats. I conceded to let him have the kids 2-3 days out of the week to avoid going to trial. This has been a living hell for my kids. My ex refused to move out to separate so I had to and he has bended to their every wishes not asking them to do anything, telling them I left them, that I didn’t want them and now despise me and will refuse to do anything I request, say they don’t want to live with me, lecture me for hours. He has become the superhero while I am seen as the dirt bag. I had a better closer relationship with them back when I was the door mat. In some ways, divorce has made things worse. The kids come home from their dads angry and resentful at me for destroying their lives for the sake of my selfishness and happiness. I have been grateful for these articles when I keep feeling like I am crazy. I would like to see something written for how to address the needs of the children who have been warped against their moms and how to teach them you deserve respect and how to handle post divorce when you ex has to be dealt with regularly due to the kids.

9 years ago

Hello , for all the women who stays with a PA husband , this is one of the best advice i have read. I know first hand and dealt with his games for so many years. He would always try a make me jealous about other women all the time, till I got up set and cried. And he would tell me to grow up “you acting like your in high school.” Or he would say “its all in your mind.” That is a another thing he likes to do is make thinks up and he said he never said that or twisted it all around, and you don’t even know what he really just said or meant to say. He always left me confused. He is very unemotional person, I had the start of uterine cancer and had to get a hysterectomy , the second day I was home from the hospital I needed help to change 2 little bandages he wouldn’t even help me, i had to hold a mirror to see were to put them. he just went right to sleep. He told me i should have done this early.

I didn’t realize what he was all about till about 3 years ago, but now I have health problems that make it hard for me to work. But the best thing that i have found that helps me is not to believe him and his lies. I now know when some thing is right or wrong: I can see more clearly now. He always plays this Mr. nice guy in-front of people , but I really get to know him. Man he is hell on wheels ! I am trying to put my life together and get my self-esteem back. But most important thing that has been working too for me is to CHANGE my attitude. Also don’t fall for his twisted thinking. It’s hard to keep playing all of these games but you have to fight to keep your own sanity. I have been getting out and doing more of my own thing without him and getting counseling. i will one day be done with his play games and leave him.

9 years ago

I am a very strong person but, when he says how he will do it later. When it isn’t done then I get to it and accomplish the task. One of my biggest issues is I was diagnosed with MS and it has gotten worse. He chooses not to do some things. What I will do is hire someone to put items in for me. My husband is very good at fixing and working on the house but, I can do things also. It drives me crazy when he will turn his head around to check out a women I know so I tell her that he likes checking her out. He watched my cousin walking out a room with her husband right up until they were out of sight. What I told him that I tell these people so they can see what a dirt bag he really is to me. I have had many people tell me how nice he is and what he does for me. Then I come out with comments that he says to me and the people are shocked. They are probably wondering why I am still here but, I still need help with my MS and also have another health condition. We are like brother and sister since I am the age of one of his. He tells me all guys do it so I call him out on it. I asked him if he wants me to treat him like he treats me. He said no; then I told him to change because, I can treat him the same way and he won’t like how it feels. It’s like he has no feelings or emotions so he possibly won’t know how it feels.
I treat him kind of like a friend not a husband since, there is no love between us. My friends I do have a love of them 🙂

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