Trust in a passive aggressive relationship

Each time you have a frustrating experience, because something agreed upon by your husband is not happening, you are a bit more disappointed than before. Is it right, then, that each new time you have a little less of trust in his word? Of course!

What happens is that, after navigating the fog of double messages and confusion, and overcoming your sense of frustration, you get to a point where his acceptance of non-delivering what he promised is not enough for you…

You are sad and still expecting some repair behavior from him. What is this repair work in a relationship? Well, when you interact with a grown up person, you know that there is a complete apology to deliver and accept.

It has first an acceptance of responsibility ("Yes, I did promise to pay the bills this month...") followed by a personal apology ("I acknowledge that I didn’t do as promised, and now we have some consequences because I forgot…I’m sorry about it").

Because it’s true that you want a behavior that is rooted in reality, so you are waiting for the apology to include a description of the frustrating behavior; then a bit about the damage done, or of its consequences, and to show empathy for the impact of those consequences on you….("and now you need to take time out of your schedule to write the checks I didn’t do...").

Is it too much to expect that he finally realizes that his behavior has a negative impact on you, or on the finances of the couple? Of course not! This is what grown ups do!

Owning a negative piece of your behavior is what integrity is all about: you accept that this behavior is yours, that it has an impact and that you are responsible for the impact of it on other people. No denial, no excuses, no angry responses!

Only when your husband is able to complete a real and sincere apology, showing that he recognizes when he is hurting others, you can begin again to trust him.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I'm the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, begin by getting the manual for managing passive aggression.
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