Leaving abuse behind, and getting back to yourself...is a very healthy project!
"I am numb and go about my day totally confused, lost, lonely and feel like I’m on the edge of losing it and I don’t know what’s keeping me from losing it. We are just going through the motions co existing like two strangers at the moment. It is strange it has never been like this before. He has completely disassociated with me except for basic talk about daily household bills etc there is no conversation.
We are both trying to be inconspicuous about it all. Neither of us is happy smiling or enjoying anything at all. I feel dead inside. I am not sure if he is going through something concerning his health... I'm baffled. He hasn’t come near me, not touched me or made any advances intimately and that is a huge thing. Intimacy has always been an important priority for him the only thing for him to be able to function, the ONLY thing that makes him happy.
It’s like a switch has been flicked off in him I don’t understand what’s happening. I feel so hurt & sad. I feel myself screaming and screaming inside my body but its stuck inside me with no escape. I feel like I’m on the edge of I don’t know what. I must sound absolutely crazy I feel crazy like I’m not in control of my very being anymore. I don’t know how to approach him given his reactions in the past and the way things are at the moment. It feels hopeless. I don’t want to split from him I don’t want to break up my family I don’t know why I still love him and want to stay with him forever." (from our blog postings)
Now, imagine that you could or would take a short trip, to visit your mother or your sister...in another city. It's only a three days trip, OK? not crossing the Pacific Ocean, nothing like that. Only some time by yourself, traveling alone, catching your plane and being part of the universe of other souls traveling with you. Everything goes according to plan, you don't get lost and the flight is perfect...and just before landing you notice that you are breathing deeper...and relishing being by yourself. Several hours later, you notice that you are making decisions by yourself, not watching the possible impact of dinner time choice on your husband. You are alone, but not lonely, and being by yourself is a bit scary, but delicious!
Second day is here and you can't stop to notice how well you sleep when alone. No nightmares, no staying awake with tormenting thoughts and watching what he is doing all the time. You can really have a deep sleep night...The rest of the day you are surrounded by your people, talking and smiling, not a care or restraint. You can express yourself! say your truth! express concern, interest, boredom, whatever is here, and is your state of mind. No repressing anything. How free can you feel by owning your feelings and expressing them? And now, you have to go back home? Really?
It can be scary, how fast you can get back to your real soul, examine your needs and feel appreciation for yourself! In only a weekend trip, by yourself, you can touch base with the real you, the person you are...This is finally, the real you, temporarily submerged by abuse in your marital loneliness, always alive.
Perhaps you can't now, for several reasons, take a short trip from your home. I wish you could give yourself some time any day, to walk to a park and be there, by yourself, visiting your soul...I want you to wish: " I just want to go away," and give yourself some time by yourself. Dare to discover the person hiding inside you?