Want to know how to deal with an abusive husband?
When we did a recent survey about the impact of your husband's behavior on your own emotional situation, the results show a consistent perception of not being loved, or worst feeling openly rejected. That, combined with some isolation from your loved ones, due to his lack of ability to develop supportive relationships with your own family and friends, makes a very worrisome perspective.
Let's be clear: deprived of loving support from your spouse, and unable to tap into connections with your own relationships have to be the basis for your present isolation. It becomes almost paralysis, as many of the posters in AskNora tell when you realize that you don't know what to do to improve your situation and see the emotional support network missing.
The question: "what can I do, being by myself, no family or friends near, and his passive aggression leaves me isolated and stuck in this emotional desert?" is too frequent and begs an answer.
Most of the attempts to deal with an abusive husband are based on changing him. Lots of thought, prayers, and conversations are geared towards:
a) making him realize how wrong he is behaving in his marriage, and the damage caused;
b) hoping that after realizing point a), he will make the necessary changes to improve his behavior.
If you have been here, now you know that this plan doesn't work! Is a terrible loss of time and energy to try to change him...when he is being difficult and more even abusive because he feels threatened by your change program.
We have proposed here that in order to preserve your sanity, you need to drop all attempts to change him. If and when an abusive husband decides to improve his behavior, is his own decision making. There is no way you can make the horse drink, even you push it to the river...
What if you, in a brave conversation with yourself, would face the following question:
"What am I postponing or blocking in my own life by having the focus on his change? What is the task I need to do to develop myself into the person I want to be if I could dedicate all that emotional energy to improve myself?"
We all have a mission in life, something larger than us that gives our lives a sense of meaning. Either it's your children, or your vocation, you need to discover and to respect your mission in life. Doing it will allow you to continue your personal development, achieving maturity. Now, being stuck in the drama that a passive aggressive husband abundantly provides, you forget what is your personal mission, get lost in power struggles with him, and all that leaves you in a swamp of immature wrangling with him and his tricks.
I'm inviting you to see yourself from this vantage point of view: What would you like to be, if you could use your energy, brain, skills, and endurance to that purpose? What would you love to accomplish, being free to put your emotional strength to better use?
The most interesting point of my proposal is that, once your mission becomes your focus in life, and not your husband long wished for changes, he is left without the most basic reason for his behaving like a difficult child: you are not there anymore to validate that behavior! Simply, you ignore him because you are busy with your own mission, and having fun doing it...and receiving emotional support from the people around you, now that they can respect and appreciate your gifts.
He has nobody around himself who he can confuse and frustrate, because now you get your emotional nurturance from sources different from him.
If this suggestion resonates with you, then perhaps you are ready to think about how to redesign your life plan....towards more happiness, self-confidence, and emotional security? You can have more help reading the book: "The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband"
Meanwhile, talk back to me, or tell your story here using the comments below. I'm always happy to get into a conversation with you! Many thanks!