When confronted with choices, humans tend to decide according to two different motivations:
Humans have generally two life purposes that could be seen as in conflict with each other:
a) you want to be happy with your partner; (oriented to the other)
b) you want also to develop yourself as a person, in all your possibilities. (self-oriented)
We have to remember that a narcissistic person has a personality frozen in time, around his first years of life. For him, only the repetition of the conditions of his childhood means security and refuge. If he sees his life developing into uncharted territories and changing, this same perception can be terrifying for him. He doesn't want to change, and he is afraid of you, his partner, maturing and transforming into a real adult....It means that the imaginary protection he gets from you now could later disappear with your growth.
So, we find him sometimes doing controlling behaviors that tend to keep you around him, all the time. He will try to control your personal development, doing things to diminish your accomplishments, ignoring your constant learning, or ridiculing your progress.
There are some behaviors you can’t explain away:
- Have you found him making jokes about you to his friends? Is he having fun speaking of personal difficulties you can have, as not remembering things or being frequently sick?
- Has he some difficulties appreciating when you do good work? He keeps silent when you accomplish something new?
- He gets upset and sarcastic when you have personal success, like graduating, a promotion, or something well appreciated by others?
- Do you feel pushed to fight against decisions made without your input because he has already decided for you? And, if you try to resist or renegotiate a larger piece of freedom, you find him getting upset or threatening you?
- Do you have to be always accountable to him about your money, or how and where you spend your time?
- When you want to do something you really love, does he manage to sabotage this activity?
- Do you feel like a puppet, with no personal space to make decisions about your own life?
- Do you dream sometimes to have a personal life where he would not be involved?
This Behavior Is Geared Towards Controlling:
- Your self-image;
- Your mind;
- Your resources, like time or money;
- Your connections with loved ones or friends, or work relationships;
- Your life plan, or what you want for your future, (that has to be shared with him).
How Do You Know If You Are Being Controlled Like a Puppet?
Of course, he can be as needy as he wants, but what about you? how is his attitude shaping your own responses?
- Do you try to avoid conflicts by not doing anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
- Always do what he wants, instead of what you want to do?
- Fear making decisions by yourself, because he will get furious that you dared to think by yourself?
- Really, really believe that there is no life for you outside of this marriage?
Getting to this point, the picture can get depressing…along the way, your own dreams and wishes have been ignored. And you end up forgetting yourself!
Please, remember that along with our lives, we have multiple opportunities to remember who we are, the kind of person we want to be, and the multiple gifts that we need to use daily to feel that we are accomplishing our life mission. Nobody was born to be only a puppet of another person's childhood needs!
Please, remember what you are in this world for. Take care of and defend your dreams! If you need some clarity about what you always wanted for your life, and how to recover your self, get a complimentary session with Coach Nora.
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