How can abusive husbands change?

Did You Ask: Can Abusive Husbands Really Change?

I got thinking about real change and how we can be sure that it is really happening when reading this comment in my last post:

"I agree my husband is a product of childhood anger not being release the right way, or should I say dealt with. And for years being married to him he has taken it out on me and the children. He is in counseling but I don't think he tells his counselor the whole truth about things.  He never did with me, he said he wants to change but I still don't believe it."

This person is really focusing on his change signals...and sees the same behavior in her man as before. Why is this change so difficult?

Like their fathers and grandparents, men grow up in a social context where interpersonal violence is glorified as in "macho culture," and included as a normal component of their relationships. The first answer to why is common that men abuse? is because abuse is the key to achieve power and control in a relationship, and this is the norm. Because being peaceful and egalitarian with their wives gives them no value in front of other men, the norm is acceptance of some abuse and controlling behaviors.

An individual man would not easily give up the tool of domestic abuse, because it serves the purpose of maintaining his share of power and control over the wife. No equality here, but dominance. This dominance is highly rewarded, and no man voluntarily will give it up because it equals sexual prowess, strength, and self-worth. So, we need strong social pressure to present domestic abuse as a non-acceptable behavior, punishable by law.

If we have a sincere abuser going through the process of agonizing remorse, asking for forgiveness and doing what he promises, without overstepping boundaries, then we can accept that change is here.

To answer our eternal question: How can abusive men change?

Abusive men can change if and only if:

1. Abusive person stops denial and takes responsibility for his abuse, and own his behavior without excusing it, minimizing or blaming his partner.
2. Abusive person recognizes he can’t change himself, so voluntarily gets some professional help.  He needs to work on changing his own history of trauma by investing time and effort for as long as necessary.
3. Abusive person can accept limited contact with abused persons to show boundaries respect, showing a new behavior
4. His new actions are continuous, not just for the moment. Most abusers apologize for their bad behavior once and tell their girlfriend it will never happen again. Often, they are contrite for only a few days
5. Stops using tactics such as: trying to share the blame, as when He says "I can't change unless you do." Which means that he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as "I've changed, but you aren't changing"; "I'm not the only one who needs help"

 Again, let's review how he can sabotage the change process.

How to tell he is not intending to change his abusive behavior by what he says:

He says "I can't change unless you do." Which means that he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you.

Also stated as "I've changed, but you aren't changing"; "I'm not the only one who needs help".

He continues to attempt to cover up what he's done to you and the children, saying "it's in the past.".

He won't acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn't seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it.

He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does. He won't discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes. He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it.

A LAST WORD:

There is no changing abusive behavior if the underlying beliefs which allow him to be abusive are still in place.

That is the reason he needs therapy! And, of course, it explains the strong resistance to go to a counseling session.

He will not get help or He says he'll get counseling or other help, but never does. Or he does (for a SHORT period until you've calmed down) and tries to convince you that he's cured and you need to take him back now. "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot from this program".

If a man is pressuring you this way, then as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program.

This is why it's so critical, if you're considering taking him back, to watch his behaviors, to talk in-depth, and to give it time.

 If you need to talk about domestic abuse in your marriage, you can always ask for your coaching session, (no charge), and get support and orientation from me. I'm waiting for your call!