Out in the research and psychology world, there are little to no products that offer to help men heal their own passive aggression. There are almost no blogs or websites that address the passive aggressive person directly, sitting them down and giving it to them straight. Women have taken up this task, only to find themselves embroiled in a secondary battle for who is right.... and losing their own time and efforts against his defenses.
We want to change that. Up until now, your husband hasn’t realized that there is a problem with his behavior. Even when something bad happens and he instinctively knows he was responsible, he holds on to the idea that he is innocent because he doesn’t want people to think of him as doing bad things on purpose or being a “bad person.” Better an unaware person than a bad person, right?
The problem is, he’s promoting more bad situations by avoiding looking at problems directly. His relationships end up sabotaged by his own brain and learned reactions, and in defense mode, he can’t admit that there’s a problem and work to heal it. So, things just get worse and worse for him - the wife is more threatening and confrontational, he’s more defensive, which makes the wife more confrontational! It’s an endless cycle of vicious situations.
Most of the time, what everyone calls his “passive aggression” is done by his unconscious brain, reflexively. He may not know what he’s doing when he does it. But it’s important for him to stop now and see that he IS doing something with a negative impact. The next step shouldn’t be denial but a question to himself: “HOW DO I STOP?”
His actions become unconscious when they are learned early on in life. By not trying to identify these behaviors and heal them, he’s ignoring his childhood influences and their HUGE impact on his life even now. The consequences? Constant fear of connecting with his loved ones and bleak, utter loneliness. The sense that something is wrong and threatening, that he should protect himself from it, but never knowing exactly why or what from is always with him. He (and you!) can never be happy in that mode!
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