In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:
I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person
However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.
In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.
One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.
This is especially true for couples who married young, as perhaps you did with your passive aggressive husband. Younger individuals have often not yet articulated what it is they really value and need, and so often find in their marriage a clash of ideals. However, that doesn’t explain why you were attracted to a passive aggressive man.
Perhaps you were looking for someone not so domineering as the men of your family? Did you feel more comfortable with men not always telling you what to do? Was it liberating to be with someone who did not ask so many questions about your plans, your finances, or your friends?You can find all that in a PA man... at the beginning. But to imagine that the control battle has not to be fought, is an illusion. we all need to define what we want with our partners and negotiate agreements about almost everything along our lives.
So, find someone who is willing to sit down, make eye contact with you and explore issues with you; who is not fastidious to “be done with it now” and that can express what he wants for himself from the relationship now and in the future.
Do you need help understanding what personal needs drove you to marry a passive aggressive man? Talk one-on-one with Dr. Nora today for a solution that works for you.
Dr. Nora
Dr. Nora is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Sign up for free, here on her blog, to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Dr. Nora. Visit her coaching site today to talk with Dr. Nora and receive a plan for action to change your life. She's ready to help!
I found this to an insightful article that may help women as they read through it to find out what led “them” to marry men like this….and how important it is to see what parts of your “pa” husband reside in both of your parents….I recognize that my husband was very much like my mom in terms of not being “emotionally” present….in terms of not listening….and I was raised like all girls back in the 50’s/60’s to be
compliant and to be all giving and when you are wired to be compassionate we get hooked up with these type of men as they
recognize that part in us that actually they really need but in the end they push against it as it pushes their emotional connections and they don’t want to emotionally compromise and it wasn’t safe in their homes to be emotionally present….I refuse to be emotionally repressed as I discovered that is indeed what happened to me growing up and I won’t be put back in that box…..if he and all others…men and women…want to live like that or live in their denial that is their choice but it’s not being “whole” from my seat…some people can talk a good story but they don’t “walk” the talk….something I now realize my husband was good at….shallow in practice as he used the defense of “intellectualization” to figure things out….he thinks he has done his work but of course if that was the case he wouldn’t still be “passive-aggressive”(lol)! And on and on the crazy story goes.
J.
12 years ago
My reaction includes the above 3. Married too young (19) and I wanted to get away from an emotionally controlling father who was abusive to me as a child. I am a total people pleaser who attracts emotional vampires. Oh my, if only I had known back then ….
Exwife
12 years ago
Um…I just read your advice on how to handle a passive-aggressive ex-husband. It’s totally bizarre, and seems to boil down to “suck it up, stand there and take whatever crap he doles out, for the good of the children.” Not only is that bad advice for women, but it’s bad advice for parenting, because that’s how you teach the children to just line up for passive-aggressive abuse.
I think a more reasonable response is to line up good therapeutic help for the children, surround them with supportive people who can teach them what being treated well means, and keep your (good, tough) lawyer handy. Will the guy take it out on the kids, yes. Can you do anything about that…you can mitigate via therapy and better environments away from the dad, and you can stand ready to head back to court as soon as the children show signs of suffering that rise to a level the court will pay attention to. You can also go back to court when the children are older, if they refuse to see him, and reduce their contact with him as far as is possible.
http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm
I found this to an insightful article that may help women as they read through it to find out what led “them” to marry men like this….and how important it is to see what parts of your “pa” husband reside in both of your parents….I recognize that my husband was very much like my mom in terms of not being “emotionally” present….in terms of not listening….and I was raised like all girls back in the 50’s/60’s to be
compliant and to be all giving and when you are wired to be compassionate we get hooked up with these type of men as they
recognize that part in us that actually they really need but in the end they push against it as it pushes their emotional connections and they don’t want to emotionally compromise and it wasn’t safe in their homes to be emotionally present….I refuse to be emotionally repressed as I discovered that is indeed what happened to me growing up and I won’t be put back in that box…..if he and all others…men and women…want to live like that or live in their denial that is their choice but it’s not being “whole” from my seat…some people can talk a good story but they don’t “walk” the talk….something I now realize my husband was good at….shallow in practice as he used the defense of “intellectualization” to figure things out….he thinks he has done his work but of course if that was the case he wouldn’t still be “passive-aggressive”(lol)! And on and on the crazy story goes.
My reaction includes the above 3. Married too young (19) and I wanted to get away from an emotionally controlling father who was abusive to me as a child. I am a total people pleaser who attracts emotional vampires. Oh my, if only I had known back then ….
Um…I just read your advice on how to handle a passive-aggressive ex-husband. It’s totally bizarre, and seems to boil down to “suck it up, stand there and take whatever crap he doles out, for the good of the children.” Not only is that bad advice for women, but it’s bad advice for parenting, because that’s how you teach the children to just line up for passive-aggressive abuse.
I think a more reasonable response is to line up good therapeutic help for the children, surround them with supportive people who can teach them what being treated well means, and keep your (good, tough) lawyer handy. Will the guy take it out on the kids, yes. Can you do anything about that…you can mitigate via therapy and better environments away from the dad, and you can stand ready to head back to court as soon as the children show signs of suffering that rise to a level the court will pay attention to. You can also go back to court when the children are older, if they refuse to see him, and reduce their contact with him as far as is possible.
Standing in line for abuse…bad idea.