When we first are in love, we see only the positive aspects of our loved one....
As time goes on, you will find yourself focusing more on some negative behaviors, behaviors that we feel "need improvement."
Here is the risk: that path leads to you being the inspector and controller....and evaluating him mostly in his "negative" aspects (things you don't like), than giving appreciation for the aspects that you are really appreciative for.
After too many opportunities where you feel so frustrated with his negative behaviors, you send a vibe of always focusing in finding him short of what you expect.
This is a negative, anxious and fearful vibe that surrounds your interactions...When you finally explode because you can't stop yourself from demanding more of him, we can see that sadly, there is no respectful, mutually accepting bond left. This situation is partially what scares some men off, makes them clam up or do the silent treatment for weeks, thinking:
“Why bother to talk to her? she will find something to criticize again, so...”
Why do we look at this on Valentine's Day? Because now we know what is making him feel not accepted, judged and constantly evaluated...and we are going to change that!
This is a different Valentine message....you know that we here are a bit contrarian, always trying to offer a new frame to manage the usual aggravations...
- HERE IS THE NEW FRAME: REMEMBER THAT POSITIVE RESPONSES MOTIVATE PEOPLE TO KEEP DOING POSITIVE THINGS
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO:
First, Do a symbolic act and give up the role of inspector. Tell yourself: "Whatever he does, there is a reason for that, and I don't have to evaluate his reasons."
Second: Your new task is to discover positive aspects of your husband's behavior: secretly try all day long to find out a few new things to like about him.
Third: When you discover a new positive aspect, you will recognize it verbally, in some simple way: "It is great that you could fix the tire in the car"
Even if the relationship is strained and distant, you doing this appreciation will help soften positions and produce some positive feelings.
IF THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW, IT IS GREAT!
And, for some lonely married couples, this is a healing Valentine!
