Let’s imagine a person has been deeply wounded in childhood, with the results that he doesn’t believes that relationships work and that he can be loved, or respected by someone, and that absolutely he needs a loving connection in his life to thrive and be happy. We know that past abuse usually results on people developing this shield of emotional unavailability, trying to protect himself of ever feeling connection with somebody else. Why suffer again?
That person should be walking around with a sign that says: “Don’t get near, I am emotionally hurt, thus unavailable and I will be very difficult to really connect with.”
Of course, this would be funny, but true. Instead, he will deny this lack of loving core and walk around like everybody else….Indeed, he finally finds a victim and marries! Now, comes the real drama. Each time that his partner will try to reach out to him, the emotionally unavailable person would feel threatened and refuse any significant conversation…If she insists, she will be called a prying, intrusive and controlling person…
To continue with this dilemma, to make-believe he is invested in an intimate relationship while shielding himself from connection, the person has to develop creative ways to make the other person imagine he is near…while staying away.
The answer is to find multiple and creative ways to put distance between him and any loving female that dares to cross into his bubble. She can be entertained by years trying to make sense of the constant contradictions…Can you recognize any of the behaviors here?
This woman is posting her thoughts in a forum:
“I am trying to get a divorce from my PA husband.
I have accumulated a list of very hurtful behaviors I never expected to see. I could never understand the contradiction between what he says: (“he loves me”) and what he does to me:
- the pathetic weak resistance to anything I wanted or needed, only because it was my idea;
- the blatant withholding of emotions, sex, stimulation, love, friendship, or sympathy;
- rejecting to work out anything in our relationship, basically ANYTHING I wanted at all!
- plus, the blaming yet no communicating of feelings or no giving me feedback about things he doesn’t like, so I’m left in the black;
- constant choosing to appreciate other women over me, constant making me look bad in front of others,
- the constant revenge or pay back to situations we were in together but later he dislikes and blames me for;
- doing put downs and demeaning comments about my character and my look, and my skills, etc.
Can you see the shield working here, by doing more and more attempts to put her at a safe distance; never allowing her to feel identified with his inner core of self? So, he gets to preserve his primordial childhood wound, while his marriage crumbles around?
I insist, he should be forced to warn his new partner/victim, about the real nature of the “relationship” this person will enforce on another female….
How to recognize the wound, and its shield by looking at his behavior? Any similarities with the situation you could be in now?