“Don’t get near, I am emotionally unavailable and we will never connect…”

emotionally unavailable husbandEmotionally unavailable partner? We understand!

 

Let’s imagine a person has been deeply wounded in childhood, with the results that he doesn’t believes that relationships work and that he can be loved, or respected by someone, and that absolutely he needs a loving connection in his life to thrive and be happy. We know that past abuse usually results on people developing this shield of emotional unavailability, trying to protect himself of ever feeling connection with somebody else. Why suffer again?

That person should be walking around with a sign that says: “Don’t get near, I am emotionally hurt, thus unavailable and I will be very difficult to really connect with.”

Of course, this would be funny, but true. Instead, he will deny this lack of loving core  and walk around like everybody else….Indeed, he finally finds a victim and marries! Now, comes the real drama. Each time that his partner will try to reach out to him, the emotionally unavailable person would feel threatened and refuse any significant conversation…If she insists, she will be called a prying, intrusive and controlling person…

To continue with this dilemma, to make-believe he is invested in an intimate relationship while shielding himself from connection, the person has to develop creative ways to make the other person imagine he is near…while staying away.

The answer is to find multiple and creative ways to put distance between him and any loving female that dares to cross into his bubble. She can be entertained by years trying to make sense of the constant contradictions…Can you recognize any of the behaviors here?

This woman is posting her thoughts in a forum: 

“I am trying to get a divorce from my PA husband.

I have accumulated a list of very hurtful behaviors I never expected to see. I could never understand the contradiction between what he says: (“he loves me”) and what he does to me:

  • the pathetic weak resistance to anything I wanted or needed, only because it was my idea;
  • the blatant withholding of emotions, sex, stimulation, love, friendship, or sympathy;
  • rejecting to work out anything in our relationship, basically ANYTHING I wanted at all!
  • plus, the blaming yet no communicating of feelings or no giving me feedback about things he doesn’t like, so I’m left in the black;
  • constant choosing to appreciate other women over me, constant making me look bad in front of others, 
  • the constant revenge or pay back to situations we were in together but later he dislikes and blames me for;
  • doing put downs and demeaning comments about my character and my look, and my skills, etc.

 

Can you see the shield working here, by doing more and more attempts to put her at a safe distance; never allowing her to feel identified with his inner core of self? So, he gets to preserve his primordial childhood wound, while his marriage crumbles around?

I insist, he should be forced to warn his new partner/victim, about the real nature of the “relationship” this person will enforce on another female….

How to recognize the wound, and its shield by looking at his behavior? Any similarities with the situation you could be in now?

About Nora Femenia

Nora Femenia, Ph.D, is the CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions and the author of the book: "The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband," a field guide for women that have to deal with passive aggression in their partners. Nora also posts regularly on her blog Creative Conflicts. Visit her blog and join the community to discuss issues related to Conflicts, Relationships and receive also Free her book “Breaking Free From The Silent Treatment.” You are warmly welcomed here, because we care for your happiness!

  • Janet

    I completely empathize with the comments placed here by this woman…at the core is that they will not step forward in anyway because they are not willing to accept responsibility. To change anything means stepping off the page of “boyhood” where they were wounded to accept responsibility….this is what these men will never do….
    After 4 1/2 years of separation tomorrow I head off to my lawyer’s office to sign the legal separation.
    Know though that these men will have their day of reckoning where all things in their world don’t go smoothly even after a divorce….perhaps they will spend some time in self reflection but sadly to step forward would require taking responsibility….something they aren’t capable of…instead they will look around still for someone to blame for why things in their life didn’t improve despite having their piece of paper….I believe it will be battening down the hatches one day for a phone call saying “you ruined my life”….I’m prepared for that possibility but also know the solution would be to “hang up the phone”.

  • http://www.creativeconflicts.com Nora Femenia

    Cathy wrote:
    “I have the PERFECT husband…we can have conversations about
    any and everything, we have never fought in 16 years, because we
    beleive, that when you fight, nothing is ever solved, there is never
    just a winner and a loser, when you fight, you both lose–something.

    We
    beleive our bedroom is a santuary, a place to talk, snuggle and make
    love. There is nothing
    that important, earth shattering that a war should ensue– We know, in
    life, there is nothing so important to fight over…we think, in 20
    years, will this be important in our lives or..will it be something we
    will forget.”

    So, I’m ashamed of posting only negative postings. I should be writing about how is it possible to have perfect husbands….If someone else is ready to educate me, I’m willing to hear….And I do believe that she is right: there is nothing so important as to fight about….we should remember this often!

%d bloggers like this: