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What if you could play with your passive aggressive husband (without him knowing it)?
I want to share with you this plan, hatched in a client's call yesterday...
It is a brave, different way of dealing (kindly) with your PA husband.
PLEASE, read it completely!
We have here several perspectives that I have been proposing along the conversations in this blog.
You need to find them a bit reasonable, and here they are...see if you can switch your way of thinking and read this proposal completely?
SUGGESTION #1:
Your husband is not evil, he is only an emotionally crippled person, scared and cornered in the relationship because he is failing again, this time as a husband...
He feels already that he failed at being a good son, because mother used to tell him that he was good for nothing (in words or by abandoning him). The purpose of this plan is to invite him out of his cave to play with you, his playmate. To understand how this plan works, you need to stop being a psychiatric entity ready to evaluate any one of his behaviors as pathological, and accept him, in his positive aspects.
SUGGESTION #2:
Imagine that he is a scared five years old, hiding in a corner and suspicious that everybody in the world despises him.
You need to "ADOPT" this 5 years old, while doing an experiment in raising him.
And I know you are not his mother, of course, but this is a desperate plan to rescue a situation...please, bear with me!
CONDITIONS:
- This husband has to be a basically good guy. No affairs, no shenanigans with money, or alcohol, steady and reasonable behavior.
- You need to be convinced that you don't want to divorce him....
Your Behavior:
For some time, let's say a month, you are NOT going to call his attention to anything passive aggressive related.
- No inviting him to read this blog!
- Don't buy any other book about how to deal with a passive aggressive husband!
Basically, you don't mention this or other equally negative or marriage-hurting behavior.
STEPS:
Here we are using the "Whale Done" technique, practiced to teach big marine mammals like whales, to perform for the Aquarium, or places where public goes to see them perform unusual tricks.
Trainers use a method of constant reward of good behavior and ignoring the bad or wrong responses:
When the animal misbehaves, it doesn't get even a bad look!
It is completely ignored; nobody looks at it, nothing...
In the case of trained whales, there is a crew of people giving it extra rewards every time they do correctly their show.
Trainers even have people underwater ready with the sardine bucket to reward it.
So this is what you need to do:
a) Observe and Praise Positive Behaviors.
b) Ignore (be blind to) Negative Behaviors.
Of course, you need to be creative.
I hope you are not so frustrated and angry that you can't find anything positive to praise...in this case, you are ready for divorce now.
What really I mean is:
- if the guy does something like taking out the trash? say thanks and appreciate him;
- if he driving the family in a long trip, no complaining? say something positive.
Make looking for positive things to reward YOUR TASK.
And Remember to give him a sardine each time he does the right thing....
CAVEATS:
You need to be creative and sincere here; no sarcasm allowed, because 5 years old boys don't get it.
You need to be sincere in your appreciation of the good aspects of your husband.
And you need to trust me when I say that sometimes, is better not to look at bad behavior....
because then you get more of that (if he is behaving like a hurt but revengeful 5 years old).
Ready to try this plan at home?
Write below your reactions as comments, and I will post news about the evolution of this project with my client...so you can follow what develops.
Let's see what changes can we can get in a passive aggressive marriage with a different approach!