How does passive aggressive thinking rule his behaviors?
After some conversations with men that are doing the right thing, getting hold of their passive aggressive behaviors and following the process we suggest, thus beginning the inner path of accepting their own childhood hurt and humiliation situations, we have gathered some observations.
The influence of past experiences is very persistent….those past situations have generated very strong feelings that now have been repressed and forgotten, in order to function among grown up people.
Denying past anger is a temporary solution that has created a complete set of false assumptions about the self, and about healthy communication with others.
Of course, it is only when we uncover and challenge those wrong and infantile theories, that there is a possibility to have a more adult perspective….
Anyhow, here I will share some of the comments that I have received, in the hope to answer some of the most pressing questions from the wives, as in: What kind of thinking makes him act in that way?
Let’s remember that in life is inevitable to have fights with our siblings, relatives, friends or acquaintances; it is part of being alive. And we need to make sense of our differences, right?
It all begins with a common, normal disagreement with another person….
Because of some basic mistrust in the link with their loved ones, the passive aggressive mental machinery begins producing this kind of thoughts:
- It is bad to get angry, I need to avoid an argument or fight at any cost;
- I should not get into a fight, because I will never win, so I’d rather lie low and keep people happy
- Is better to avoid a fight by telling the other person what he/she wants to hear
- I must cover up my anger, because I will get rejected if they see me angry
- Nobody cares about my feelings, so people will never know I’m angry and disagree with them.
- I will never be accepted, included, understood, so why fight?
- I must not reveal that I disagree with others because they will reject me then
- If I can get people to like me by going along with them, what’s wrong with that?
- I enjoy seeing people get blown away by my agreeing with them and then my doing the opposite of what I agreed to do.
And, of course, there is more…but enough for now. How many of these incapacitating, toxic thoughts have you seen acted out at home? Perhaps you harbor some of them yourself? And, can you think on what would be the opposite, empowering attitude to each one of them?
If your husband is telling you: “If I can get people to like me by going along with them, what’s wrong with that?” are you able to answer: “Because by hiding who you are, and how you feel, you deprive others and yourself of the opportunity to act from your real self and be authentic…?”
Of course, we want to hear your answers here, so please post your comments…