How to Grow Together as a Passive Aggressive Couple

Today we're taking another page out of Lori M's book, to see how she suggests a passive-aggressive couple can grow together and make the marriage better despite suffering from the toxic effects of passive aggression in the marriage.

Passive aggression can break down trust and intimacy, making you feel like there's absolutely no point in staying with the man you're with. But for women like Lori, who still love their husbands very much, there needs to be an outlook that doesn't just end in "dumping the jerk." How can we see this situation as a way to learn about ourselves and our partner? What can we take away from this struggle in order to make the marriage more than what it is today? Let's listen to Lori.

"If there's one thing that I've really learned, it is that a passive-aggressive person must find their own truth. We can talk to them about it, give them pamphlets on it, download articles off of the internet, suggest counseling, etc., but until they choose to look at themselves without their rose-filtered glasses on and see the hurt inside of them, they have no reason to change. It's comfortable, it's familiar and it's SAFE. It's also sneaky, manipulating and extremely damaging to relationships. PA's are known as the "living dead", so I'm not sure they ever fully understand the hurt and pain they cause others. Bob says he understands the hurt he has caused me, but I think he really understands it more in his head, and not as much in his heart. It must be so hard for him to force himself to feel his emotions, just as it's hard for me to shut my emotions off. He journals daily, and that helps a tremendous amount. I really think that he is just now learning who Bob is. You see, Bob and I aren't really that different in our feelings, when it comes down to it. I sometimes feel guilty, shameful, angry. I sometimes fear abandonment, judgment, rejection. Bob and I just process and handle it differently. He is prone to handle his fears, anger, etc. with passive-aggressive behavior. I'm prone to handle my fears, anger, etc. with rescuing, educating, pleading, begging, etc. Neither is healthy.

In my opinion, passive-aggressive behavior is not something that can be cured, but managed. I love my husband enough that I can deal with him managing his pa behavior. I love myself enough to not accept denial of the behavior.

Life is full of choices. Some of us choose to go to that next level, and some of us don't. Bob and I are, in our own way, choosing to go to that next level. He's focusing on him, and I'm focusing on me. Some days he's apprehensive that I am focusing on me, but I don't have a problem with that, because I'm still going to focus on me anyway. Some days he fails and some days I fail. I see it as a part of growing.

It's really strange, but I've gotten to know more about my husband in the last year than I've ever known about him. He never allowed me to see the real Bob. The more I see the real Bob, the more I love him.

I am so thankful that my passive-aggressive husband came into my life. It has challenged me in ways that I never could have imagined, and I have come out a stronger, much more authentic and committed to myself woman. I don't believe I would have ever taken a look at myself and my thinking, had I not hit rock bottom in my marriage.

I pray every day that God will give Bob the strength and courage to be himself. Some days are good and some days are not so good. It is what it is, and I accept that.

The most important thing to me right now is that I get to be me, and I don't need him or anyone else to accomplish that. I'm so glad I finally figured that out, because it has set me free!

📅 Last updated: August 13, 2026