Stop confusing your brain!

January 21, 2011 By

Being in an intimate relationship with a passive aggressive person creates a paradox – while you are together to create and encourage a romantic relationship, his passive aggression urges him to avoid intimacy and withdraw from connection. When he shuts down and turns away from you, it can feel as if you’re the only one who really wants to be connected, and that there is no point on reaching out to him.

Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

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Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

January 4, 2011 By

Sometimes, we need to share ideas with other people as to understand completely some conflictive issues…getting feedback helps us put issues in perspective. In this blog, we usually propose to you some texts that you can read and think about by yourself…

Now, this is a different take: you have here a dialogue with questions and answers about the main issues of PA Behaviors. Perhaps this way of interaction can help you get clarity, or start a discussion, or get you thinking about a new angle….

Whatever your response, you are always welcome to post here your reactions. We will follow through, of course, with more back and forth about how, why, and what of managing this very difficult challenge with loved ones who hide under passive aggression….Enjoy the answers, and thanks for keeping connected with this blog!

INTERVIEW WITH COACH NORA

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NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Please, subscribe now to receive your free ebook: “Healthy Marriage.”

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Has Your Relationship Become Toxic?

December 7, 2010 By

In a passive aggressive relationship, your needs can become frustrated to the point that you are being deprived of the very things you need to stay emotionally alive. In this way, passive aggression can escalate into something similar to an infection – in other words, your love can turn toxic.

What does it mean, that the love in your relationship has become toxic? It means that the heart of your relationship has become sick; you are two unhealthy people joined by needs that are not fulfilled. Almost like cancer, you begin consuming each other, until there is nothing healthy left.

The problem is that, also like cancer, this toxic love can go undetected for a very long time. You each may fool the other into thinking that you are nurturers and givers, when in fact, all that exists now is anger and insecurity. It is easy to see how, eventually, both people forget what it means to be healthy, in a healthy relationship. They begin thinking that this is the way it will always be.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic love relationship?

It’s simpler than it seems. Do you feel afraid or anxious most of the time you are with that person? When you’re apart, do you feel content because you are having a good time without this person, or do you worry about what they’re doing?

Maybe it’s hard for you to decide, because you’re used to seeing other couples handle things badly, too. It could be that your own parents had a toxic relationship, and you’ve just gotten used to it. Were them excessively dependent on each other, like enmeshed into each other? Were them used to a lot of domination and control of one on the other? We are talking here about relationships were the impact of the connection ends up smothering individual growth, or thinking or creativity of one or both partners. From the outside, they seem as they can’t be happy together, but also can’t be apart from each other…Do you recognize the picture?

Some other indicators of toxic love are:

  • Hating the person you are with him;
  • Thinking only about what you need to be happy, but can’t get
  • Beginning to dread spending time with your partner
  • You need to force him into having your way, but keep failing
  • The two of you are pulled in different directions, but can’t be apart
  • Struggling to find common interests,  beyond “the children”
  • Can’t agree on how money should be spent, start separate accounts
  • Afraid to open up and share your ideas or feelings
  • You’re ignored in public
  • One or both of you flirt with other people
  • Fear of your partner
  • Disagree about what love really means

If your passive aggressive relationship has progressed to this toxic level, it is time to heal it, before you are both consumed by the frustration!

Please tune in to our next blog posting: Healing Your Emotionally Toxic Relationship…see you soon!

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get your free ebook “Healthy Marriage” by subscribing now.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Real or Fake Apology?

October 14, 2010 By

Is this apology just offered to you a real one? or a fake apology?

“Just this once,” you say. “Just this once, I want a real, sincere apology.”

If you have a certifiable passive aggressive on your hands, you may have never experienced a real apology from them. PA mentalities restrict them from accepting their own wrongdoings or taking responsibility for the pain they may have caused you in an argument or altercation.

Apologies and a trading back and forth of acceptance and forgiveness is the core of a healthy relationship. Strong bonds are formed when people trust one another to say “I was wrong,” and move on.

What does a real, not fake, apology look like?

A real apology will not be rushed, and will honestly commit to doing something specific. It will say, “I’m sorry I said you don’t understand,” not, “I’m sorry you feel bad.”

Man or woman, there is a certain etiquette surrounding when to apologize, when not to, and how to approach a loving partner with an apology.

Slow down – a good apology can sometimes be ruined by hasty, mixed up turns of phrase.

Sincerity – State explicitly what you’re sorry for.

Take full responsibility – offer an apology for all the things you said, not half. Important here is not to apologize for something you didn’t do. That gives the other person an unfair power over you.

An apology that keeps things like these in consideration sounds true and principled, not trite and insincere. Let your emotional integrity speak for itself, or you will create more problems for yourself.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your own copy of “The Art of Living with a PA Husband“.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Resist Passive Aggressive Sabotage

October 5, 2010 By

A passive aggressive partner will often employ sabotage as a means of getting what they want in a relationship.

For example, a passive aggressive partner may do a bad job when asked to clean the house, so that the other person will “learn” that if they need something done, they should do it themselves.

Another example is sabotage of a diet or other plans for self-improvement. The PA partner might bring home sweets and encourage the dieter to indulge. This kind of sabotage is so childish that it seems unbelievable, but it is a PA’s way of keeping the person to themselves and preventing them from being attractive to others.

Similarly, the PA may sabotage the projects and goals that threaten the PA’s status in the home or relationship. They may use emotional barbs, often disguised as humor, to bring their partner’s self-esteem down and discourage them gaining power and status.

This behavior needs to be stopped in its tracks, but how do you stop sabotage when it is so subtle?

Go with your gut feeling on things. If you sense that you are being manipulated, or that your goals and projects seem to be taking forever despite your efforts, consider your situation. Recognize patterns in your partner’s behavior that may be clues to sabotage.

It is important to not only recognize the behavior but also communicate with your partner how it effects you and your needs. Ask them to look at their behavior in a serious light and let them see that there are implications that putt he relationship in danger. Do not accept the blame for the behavior, because passive aggression is not caused by outside factors – it is their problem. The only thing you are responsible for is your reaction to the behavior and the choices you make in confronting your partner.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your copy of the ebook: The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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