Are You Receiving Cold Shoulder Treatment?

August 24, 2010 By

When I feel he is “Giving Me the Cold Shoulder,” the dream I’m yearning for is… warmth.

Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are you Victim of Long, Empty Silences?

August 10, 2010 By

When I experience “Long Silences for No Reason,” the dream I’m yearning for is… connection.

We have here some 89% of the responses expressed dreams about:

1. “I would like to feel that he is silent because everything is right between us, and there’s no need to fill up space with words. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Nothing is right.”

2. “I want an open and honest relationship. Instead, he sits around sulking, making me guess why he is feeling the way that he is. He should care enough to help make the relationship better, not degrade it.”

3. “After I express my feelings, I want to be shown respect and an urgency to resolve problems. Not be given the silent treatment, where he watches television, works, and does everything but talk to me. Those long silences make me feel like I’m married to a five year old.”

In what other ways would you know that the two of you share a connection?

• “If he can’t talk about it right now, he lets me know when he can get back to me.”

• “He never shuts down just because he doesn’t want to deal with the problem. He knows that would make me feel like I did something wrong.”

• “He doesn’t just sit there and think about things, he shares them as he’s thinking them.”

• “I don’t need a magic wand to make him talk to me, it just comes easily.”

• “Our behaviors mesh together well most of the time – when they don’t, we work it out.”

• “We work together even when the issues are difficult so that we maintain a productive relationship.”

• “No one suffers in silence alone. We openly share our deepest emotions and fears with each other.”

• “He appreciates my conversation and my company, no matter how simple it may be sometimes.”

I simply need to feel included.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to feel included, to have open communication based on reciprocal trust, and to be able to share and receive personal confidences from your husband, how are you going to send him the message that it is OK to talk about everything? How are you going to stand up and express your need to have a sensible and kind response from him?

Perhaps letting him know that sulking is not a mature response, using assertive language? Are you going to invite yourself to practice assertive phrases beginning with “I”, and following with a description of his behavior, and then closing with a description of the consequences?

“When you remain silent after I told you what worries me, I feel (abandoned) (rejected) (isolated?) and I have to accept that my worries are meaningless to you, so I my conclusion is that I should keep them to myself. Let me know if this is true, so I can take other choices.”

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Please, get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” now, and begin your way back to happiness!

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What are your dreams of a healthy, happy relationship?

July 13, 2010 By

Reflecting on the conversations going on at AskNora, we can see the common pattern of suffering described by the writers. Each one has a story where her own hopes of a happy life were thwarted by passive aggressive behavior. They were left in what looked like a marriage, but was a well of frustration and loneliness instead.

Indeed, each house is a different world. In each couple there are behaviors done, and behaviors missing. And a lot of time waiting for happiness to come back, to be just in the center of this relationship….We know a lot of what makes you unhappy;
we know less of what is missing; what would you make happier.

If we look at the experience of “walking on eggshells,” we see that it is too common in the shared stories. If you had not to walk on eggshells, what would you like to experience instead of that behavior? What is the opposite experience that makes you feel secure and accepted?

If you identify with being in the receiving end of “Getting the cold shoulder?” what would you like instead, that offers you the opposite experience? how do you dream the feeling of having a partner that shares ideas and thinking and planning with you, and how does it make you feel?

We invite you here to share your thoughts. Please, look at the litany of passive aggressive behaviors our readers suffer and are describing in their postings at AskNora, check the ones that you recognize as part of your life….and feel free to describe what your soul wants instead. Nobody but you knows what is what would you feel right, loved and supported, so use your own words to describe what you want to have in your life now.

You can begin your comment by saying:

“Instead of this behavior (fill the blank here) what I really need/want/appreciate is this other behavior!” (describe your heart’s desire here)

Thanks for sharing!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Can A Passive Aggressive Person Change?

June 29, 2010 By

We hear this question all the time, here and there. Well intentioned wives ask this question out of their loving hearts, still assuming that this kind of change is possible. They need any bit of hope they can get so much! Let’s try an answer here:

First, he needs to want to change, but really, he doesn’t want to drop this behavior at all. It’s his favorite defense against the world and demanding intruders like women in their lives…

If there is some behavior we really know, because is too frequent, is that functioning using passive aggression is not a choice; some people have learned from very early that is safer to play dead and be noncommittal in any personal relationship. Probably, they have been hurt before, so now they don’t risk opening up.

For them this behavior is functional behavior, allowing them to imagine that in this way they are protected from probable harm coming from other people.

Besides, going down to the dynamics of any couple, a passive aggressive husband is very cozy with you functioning as his complement and covering up the difference between what he promises and what he delivers…

So, is there no hope? What can you do? Well, you can change your own responses, and thus force him to adapt to the new situation created by your new behavior….And then, voila! You have change!

Do you want an example?

Usually, you go around him tiptoeing and walking on eggshells up until he gives a superficial consent to some project. Even then, you are not sure he will deliver…if you use your own old behavior, then you will be there waiting for him to deliver.

The new behavior is telling him that you expect him to deliver, but just in case he can’t, for some reason, you have plan B lined up.

When he produces finally his answer, (as you have moved on pursuing this project without being stuck waiting for his delayed response) you can either adopt his solution so discarding your Plan B, or if your own solution is still better, use your own solution and move ahead. No regrets, no guilt, no procrastination!

This behavior takes away his power of controlling you through postponement and confusion, thus inviting him to come up with some new behavior to answer your actions. Here you have moved him to change, right?

What if you still feel that you have no power whatsoever to implement this approach? Or you feel that you can’t do anything that could frustrate him? Well, you need more than this article; you need to read “Passive Aggressive Husband,” and get all the support you can muster in order to push yourself to grow!

BECAUSE if you don’t reach out and get some strong help, your marital situation will only get worst, you will lose your time and your energy doing the same thing that doesn’t help you now (“bear and grin,” perhaps?) and your promised change is not coming by itself.

IN SHORT:

No, he will not spontaneously change; you need to change your behavior towards him; if you can’t do it alone, please, get help reading our postings, our ebooks and posting here your questions to get some realistic, easy to apply suggestions to recover yourself. Good luck!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Stress and conflict in a passive aggressive marriage

May 10, 2010 By

Recent research has shown that our bodies are intertwined with all our emotional states. Our hearts, lungs, stomach and all our internal organs respond to the stress level we experience. Our bodies are faster than the mind to recognize emotional threats in a way that we are not so much aware of, and this can have devastating effects in our health.

What happens when you look for peace and love at home, and you find too many squabbles? You are searching for refuge and find instead constant quarreling with your spouse? Wouldn’t it be healthier to be able to go home and find loving companionship? This kind of home will give your health a boost, and make your heart repair from other stresses.

Some couple fights are inevitable given that both parties, male and female need to start a fight sometimes when in need of refreshing the connection and companionship, and to keep the relationship growing.

Fighting without the necessary skills to control escalation can do a lot of damage to your health and your relationship. What matters in preventing unhealthy consequences is the quality of the fighting, and the most important piece is each side taking responsibility for what they say and do.

There is the special case of marital conflict when one partner shows passive aggressive behaviors, where a supposedly mature person behaves in a way that pushes their own share of responsibilities to their partner’s side. The other side is always guilty, or needs to change, etc.

And if the accused partner tries to redress this issue, the response they get is not a good conversation about “what do we need to do now to improve”, but blaming, accusations, bad temper and either sulking or complete withdrawal.

The main difference in the quality of the interaction hinges on the mutual respect they can show for each other, even in the heat of an argument.

Knowing this, there has to be a way to learn how to create a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate with respect, and this is the area of fair fighting skills.

These are a set of skills that help partners clarify the situation, allow both sides to recognize their needs and provide a way to find a solution without violence.

Fighting and having a strong discussion with a passive aggressive partner will not give wives the recognition they need in the first moment, before the fight.

But, due to their ignorance of methods to fight fair, they find themselves being more attacked, hurt and put down.

Do you need training in fair fighting techniques to deal with any passive aggressive partner in your life?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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