This is a Christmas proposition....and you are very welcome here!
DO you remember the old stories in medieval times, when warring armies would stop the ongoing war and have a peace interval to honor Christmas?
The truce story is part of all narratives of combat: the moment when soldiers did stop attacking each other and then saw the enemy’s personal aspects…Soldiers would share a bit of goodies, show pictures of their loved ones to each other; sing a Christmas carol or two known by both sides…and for a moment experience what is really be at peace with each other.
What is the connection with your marriage to a passive aggressive person? A lot! We have been here examining the thousand ways you can identify what your marriage problem is; decide what strategies apply to change him, or how to evaluate the future of your marriage…all the way we have been supporting the war model of relationships!
Today, I want to propose you a very different approach: we are going to stop the war with your husband…and surprise him (always so well prepared to defend himself) with a total absence of negative comments. We will use appreciative behavior.
Yes, that is what a truce entails: this week, you will abstain from saying anything negative to your husband, at all. No snarky comments about his passivity; no explanations about how his behavior is hurting you…nothing!
Do you hear me? Nothing, zero! This is your Xmas truce, remember?
And what are you going to do instead?
You are going to give him unconditional acceptance, that is.
STEPS TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND AN APPRECIATION TRUCE:
Make a list of ALL positive aspects you found in him when you met him;
Use a positive view: Each day, find a way to give him unconditional praise.
Oh, you don’t remember how to do it? Let me remind you of how it is done, OK?
This is the model: You find the positive aspect, and link that positive behavior, however small it is, with its positive impact on you.
You use sentences like: “I appreciate the way you take care of always having gas in the car, because it makes me feel secure driving”
The TRUCE will last from here to January 1st, 2018. If you find yourself relapsing into criticism again, give him TWO appreciative phrases a day. With a straight face, not a sarcastic expression! This is appreciation, remember?
So now, you are asking yourself: what’s the point of this crazy idea?
My dear, we live in desperate times…and you can’t be more unhappy with him than you are now. Why not to try a desperate solution? Treating him well will cause a relapse of his defenses, a new attitude on him and perhaps, you can turn your marriage around…not bad for a simple attitude change, right? Of course, if there too much mistrust and resentment, this proposition can be seen as a silly idea...You are the best judge about ignoring this suggestion or using it. Good luck!