Being Ignored in Your Toxic Relationship Hurts!
What are the human needs of receiving some kind, caring attention?
Looking for a new approach to the issue of healing the impact of passive-aggressive behavior in a marriage, I was thinking of the multiple ways in which having our emotional needs satisfied can promote happy relationships.
And then, almost by happenstance, I was introduced to a person who has managed to survive by writing a blog on her relationship with a PA husband. (now her ex-husband).
It was fascinating for me to read her blog and see, moment to moment, the list of endless frustrations to her needs...She was being ignored in her marriage big time!
In this approach, I'm reading this text from a frustrated ex-wife and finding the not satisfied need under each comment. For example, when she is writing:
"Thank you for the PASSIONLESS SEX. I think I had an orgasm once with a person who learned to have sex from a book and performs like a robot."
we can infer the wound caused by the lack of passion directed to her.
"Thank you for alienating all my friends with your unsociable, rude, insulting, demeaning, personality."
We can see her desire to be connected with her friends in a kind and caring way..." and when she writes:
"Thank you for all the LIES and for BETRAYING MY TRUST which has prevented me from ever trusting anyone ever again."
she is mourning the death of her trusting disposition.
Why am I focusing on this reverse side of her complaints? BECAUSE I would like to find us, women, shouting from the rooftops what we want and need in a relationship! Not in this underhanded, timid, and hurting way, but from the beginning of any relationship, that we would be able to say:
- I want companionship;
- I want positive connections with my loved ones;
- I want to be able to trust what he says and does;
- I want his attention to me as a sexual partner...
Why is this important? because it establishes a milestone; because you say what you need, and don't wait up until the other person decides if and when he will satisfy your basic need to be loved...You are the first person to legitimate your own needs!
And also because it includes in the "marriage contract" your legitimate desires...and makes a way for them to be recognized and honored. It gives you a lot of clarity about what you expect from the relationship before the conflict appears and you find yourself marginalized by the same person that is supposed to honor and admire you.
Perhaps reading something else can help reinforce the legitimacy of your own human needs?
If you are curious, you can read part of the text I'm referring to, here:
I have been writing this blog to be able to express my feelings about my 8-year farce of a relationship and eventual marriage to JMS
A night home alone with my cats is better than one more BORING night home with you. Thank you for walking out on me. I couldn't take one more minute of trying to make something out of nothing.
Thank you for the PASSIONLESS SEX. I think I had an orgasm once with a person who learned to have sex from a book and performs like a robot. Thank you for alienating all my friends with your unsociable, rude, insulting, demeaning, personality. Thank you for all the LIES and for BETRAYING MY TRUST which has prevented me from ever trusting anyone ever again. Thank you for humiliating me and taking pleasure in every moment of it by PLANNING YOUR DIVORCE while pretending to still be in this marriage. Thank you for taking me to your BIG SHOT ATTORNEY, and making a fool of me with the Pre Nup that was supposed to protect me while she looked the other way. Thank you for prolonging the DIVORCE so it will cause me to spend more money to SCRAPE YOU OFFF THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES. Thank you for being so HANDY around the house that everything you claimed you fixed was left breaking again or incomplete to leave me with the remembrance of what a TOTAL LOSER you were. Thank you for informing me in the last few months of the marriage how you are such an EMOTIONALLY EMPTY FREAK that you "Don't get attached to anything" and then wanted sex and asked me if I Loved You? Especially I thank you for the EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE REMARKS: "I wish you would find a boyfriend", "You write like a 4th grader" and I really appreciated the one about "I'm sick of you and your house", "I'm bored watching TV with you every night", and "You will never change..."
It can continue on and on...enough here.
The wounds of a loveless marriage hurt very deep...It becomes the total reverse of human needs for respect, companionship, and love. Can you recognize the pain of unsolved emotional needs in your story? You can get your copy of When Love Hurts! If you dare to accept this need, how can you make a plan to find more satisfaction, love, and appreciation?