Is He Passive Aggressive?

Many women, confused by their husband's always defensive response, struggle to put a name on their relationship issues.

In some cases the use of passive aggressive behaviours may explain them.

This survey goes over a list of passive aggressive reactions, that you can observe in daily life.

You are invited to identify them, and grade their intensity.
Use your own experience to create your personal criteria about how hurtful a behaviour is/was to you.

1.Consider the way you and your partner communicate;

He prefers to clarify his positions even though risking your reactions by declaring choices that you could reject.

He is ready to tell you what you want to hear, even if he doesn’t agree with you or is planning to do it later in his own way.

He changes the conversation subject, so you are kept waiting for an answer for ever

2.What response do you get when you ask him questions about their past experiences?

You hear a detailed narrative of his collected childhood experiences, still processing them.

He is happy to share good experiences and the lessons of his past with you.

He refuses to recall his childhood, because it’s awful and can’t be changed. Sometimes he forgets all his own history.

3.How much your partner delivers on his own promises?

It's disconcerting to see him blown away and upset when I confront him because he forgot his promise and he reacts as if I’m being irrational and too demanding.

When things around him get too demanding, he changes the terms we accepted before, and then he delivers something a bit short of what promised.

I manage my needs so not to overwhelm him, so I ask exactly for what I need and then he is happy to deliver.

4.How much your expectations of shared decisions as a couple are fulfilled?

Of course, he accepts that I need to know how the money is managed, so he offers shared information and planning.

I have to push and demand to get some information from him, when he delivers it helps me to understand our situation

He thinks that the man of the house should not share control of the finances, or decision-making, given that he is the one making the most money. No discussion

5.Observe how he manages the inevitable couple fights?

He always prefers to avoid any confrontation, either by walking away or keeping silent or denying that there is a confrontation. If I push him or get him upset, he leaves and clams up.

He volunteers to have a conversation about the issue that bothers us, so we can clear up the air

He generally prefers to keep the peace at home by refusing to share what problem bothers him, but with patience I can get some answers.

6.How can you two finish a needed talk about an important issue?

As soon as I propose the talk about X, he first gets irritated, then tries to change the subject, and finally sits down to talk with me.

If I insist on raising an urgent conversation about X, he clams up for hours/days. If I persist, he leaves the house

He listens to my worries and answers with his own proposals, so we can have some shared solution

7.How does he handle negative feedback or criticism?

When I’m frustrated by his behavior, and tell him about that, he feels the need to be consistent and improve, as not to disappoint me more

After receiving some critique, he imagines how he could make that person look bad later, so he can feel in control again. Once he is calm again, he can deal with the critique.

When people criticize him, he finds revenge by agreeing with all, but never following through with any of his promises, or changing anything.

8.How does he deal with his own emotions, such as anger or frustration?

When he perceives that his anger is not proportional to what actually happened, then he does some reflection about his reaction, and modifies it a bit.

Sometimes he is walking around full of negative reactions: feeling that people are irritating him, attacking him for things he didn't do, or misunderstanding him completely.

He recognizes when his angry responses or behaviors make me sad and depressed, and tries to offer a solution more acceptable and peaceful for me and others.

9.How concerned is your partner with pleasing you or others?

He always tries to be seen as easy-going and nice, and always say yes to what people ask from him and then he does whatever he wants.

He appears concerned when I ask him to connect with my needs or other person’s needs, but it is only fake; when he feigns interest, he is covering his contemp about "needy" people.

If he engages with me while being distracted or emotionally disconnected I can call his attention and he can focus then in my needs.

10.How much do you rely on yourself, and how often do you ask him for help?

Usually he prefers to be self-sufficient, and don't expect others to help him, because he fears being controlled. So, he does not expect to have to help me either: if I ask, he looks bothered.

He feels that nobody recognizes his real needs or really understands him, not even himself; so he thinks that people having needs are being "needy" and keeps away.

It's normal to ask for people's help, if and when we need it; we have to help each other in this life

11.How does he views sharing and intimacy with you, his partner?

In an intimate relationship, some vulnerability is part of the deal, and we both accept it

He feels vulnerable because expecting rejection and criticism from me if I open up my real self. I need to engage him slowly, so he can relax and enjoy himself.

I know that I have to share my feelings honestly with my loved one; but when I do that he reacts as scared of intimacy. When I approach him, he is not emotionally there.

12.In daily interactions, who takes the initiative to connect?

I always am the one who brings up issues and asks him if he has an issue with me that we have to discuss. Then, if I take the initiative, he can follow the talk.

Even when he promised to talk emotions with me often, as soon as he has an issue with my “emotions” he shuts down all communication; later says that I should have known he was upset and should have called him out of his silence!

Because he’s not comfortable with his own emotions he usually creates a dispute to have distance from me, I know how to be patient and calm him down.

13.How willing is he to compromise about issues that affect both of you?

He prefers to decide individually first what he wants to do, and then lets the other person (me) do what I want, almost as if we were distant relatives. I know how to bridge this gap.

He accepts that to keep the relationship healthy, he has to negotiate and share issues with me, his partner.

He stakes his ground by describing his own opinion first, so whatever I say I have to go against his norms and preferences. He avoids compromise by showing how different we are.

14.What issues is your partner comfortable talking about with people in general?

He prefers to talk about neutral issues like the weather than to enter into heated issues like politics or religion, so I learned to be careful when sharing personal issues of concern.

He is able to confront all kinds of issues, even facing negative emotions produced by talking about painful issues.

He likes to keep a superficial peace; never engaging in personal questions and avoiding negative conversations by pushing other non-related subjects

15.How much emotion is he willing to show in front of others?

Emotions are messy and get people in trouble; he prefers to show himself as clear-headed and self-controlled as much as he can, but I always know what he feels.

Emotions are natural, and it's right to show them when adequate; he feels proud of being open to himself and to others near him.

He avoids showing his emotions because he doesn't want to be seen as weak and vulnerable. He detachs very easily, and acts as a robot.

16.What would his reaction be if you tell him that he is behaving passive aggressively?

He wouldn't understand why and would feel angry and upset with me, accusing me of labeling him. Then, he would punish me by being silent for weeks.

He would be offended at me and other people intruding into his life with this "silly label" - what right do they have to do that? After defending himself, I can continue with this conversation.

If he were accused of being passive aggressive, he would ask me to confirm that this is my opinion of him too, before getting upset or angry.

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Passive Aggressive Score Calculator

Is He Passive Aggressive?

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