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Here Is My Answer:
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Dear,
"Thanks for your message, and sorry for your situation. Perhaps now that you are healing, his sense that he can be useful for you is diminishing….and he goes back to the hidden feeling of “never being good enough.”
You can see how severely limited is he, with very few connections, and now at risk of losing you. Perhaps if you could understand how crippled he is, and how dependent he is on your approval…there could be some possibility of improving the situation. You have to understand: even if he has some complaints about the marriage, as you have them too, he is incapable to show his frustration to you. He doesn’t have the words to explain to you what is hurting him…the only behavior he knows that is relatively safe (so his hidden anger doesn’t hurt you or him) is to abandon the situation.
Can you do a little test? next time you have to talk to him, make an appreciative comment? you could mention that you appreciate him having health insurance, which helped so much with your recovery…or you could get some pictures from the happy first months of marriage, hang them on the wall, and tell yourself, and to him, that you appreciate having had such a good experience with him.
Whatever positive aspect you can find in him, is good to appreciate…Try this experience for 2 weeks; forget critiques and don’t say a word about how harsh is life with a passive-aggressive man. Or that he shares passive-aggressive traits, by being mean, a liar, etc….and focus only on his positive aspects. If, and this is a big IF, he is not so far gone into hurt and contempt, you can see a change in his behavior. I keep saying that somewhere there is a small boy very mistreated, that doesn’t believe he is “good enough for you.”
If you could snap out of demanding behaviors from him, and appreciate when you are given those behaviors spontaneously and not under duress, you could see changes. If you want to pursue this strategy deeper, perhaps you can book your complimentary coaching session at conflictcoach.me?"Now, and following up with the appreciation, I'm sending a message of thanks and gratitude to all of you who read this blog, read my books and my Kindle books, and in general allow me to develop this conversation about how we can grow up and be happier in marriage. I can't wait to hear your reactions to this proposal! And, of course, have a wonderful Xmas!
Today, I just want to share this message about any passive-aggressive husband. I'm taking the bold step of describing him as an emotional cripple, a "lost child" who never can believe he is good enough for you...
Please, allow me this comment, so different from the individualistic view: "He is PA and I'm a victim..." In the spirit of Xmas, and to empower you with the ability to change HIS self-perception, I'm offering this plan. Thanks to the kind reader who posted, I'm using her message in its full length. Below, you can read my answer, and see how I credit the change in the interaction (be only positive; do appreciation frequently) with the hope of his responding to her change of perception (from critical to appreciative) with a change of his own...
I know, you are going to say that something in the holiday season is making me drink not a lot of egg nog, but the kool-aid of self-deception...It's not so: I always see interactions as actions and reactions...And this season reminds me of how dependent we are on each other; how we need each other for the gift of inclusion and appreciation....and pushes me to be daring in my way of sharing what I know about love and relationships. Who knows? perhaps you, reading this dialogue, find that you can do a lot of appreciating around your loved ones, and doing so changes interactions for the better? What can you lose by being extra kind?
Here Is the Mail from My Dear Reader:
"I’ve just found this information. I’ve been married to a man for 2 years, we’re both in our 50s, second marriage. He seemed so perfect at first, so helpful in every way, especially because I was in the throes of Lyme disease. Now that I’ve been healing for the past 6 months, he’s different. Mean. A liar. Hides money matters. Walks away and doesn’t talk to me. I had to have him move out. He promised he was going to be a better husband, blamed his stressful job for his meanness. But he’s never going to leave that job. He only complains about it. He forgot my birthday last week and laughed about it. I need his health insurance and feel so awful to have chosen a non-loving man. He didn’t have friends, one son doesn’t talk to him and he doesn’t have a relationship with his brother who lives close by! Reading your articles here, it’s beginning to make sense, all of it. My friends thought he was the perfect guy too. I married him in the first year of knowing him. He wanted his own room in my house. He’d come home from work many nights and not even say hello to me. Along with the illness, I feel beat down for something I didn’t do. I know I have to look at myself now and pull myself together. Thank you for the information."