Sometimes,we see situations as frozen in time...completely fixated and impervious to change. Is really difficult to perceive the constant change we are going through...and it is easy to deny same changes in our partners..Our loved ones are also changing in front of us,and such change will ask from us some adapting, either we like it or not...
The price of resisting change is, in the end, being left alone in our bubble, by a world that has moved on and left us behind…. as hidden dinosaurs, survivors in a different world. Everybody is changing continuously, and they help us to go along with theirs and our change by confronting us.
As in this recent story, presenting a classical marital conflict:
Alice was getting more and more efficient in her job. It was as she was made for that position: intelligent, dedicated, and always coming up with creative ways of solving problems. Finally, a big promotion was offered to her, which entailed changing cities and a whole new life style. Her husband, totally confused about this unexpected turn of events, refused to consider any of the possibilities for the new situation. Upset and resentful, he tried to get her to either refuse the promotion or give up the job altogether. She began to see his attitude as selfish and destructive, and suddenly was confronted with a major crisis in her life. Even then, she could not understand the serious challenge this change represented for her husband. She suddenly was growing up, and doing rapid progress in her career, and he began feeling left behind.
His reason to get some personal coaching? to balance his inferiority feelings; the drastic role reversal in his marriage, and to get a wider perspective on where this marriage was going to end up, either with his support, or with his resistance to his wife's progress.
Only after some reframing of the situation he was able to focus on the real reasons for his hard attitude, and making a change in his appreciation of her enthusiasm for her job. allowed him to feel a little better (not left behind in this change), move on and realize how damaging his acting out of fear could be for the marriage…After focusing and managing his fear of "not being good enough," he could realize that she was not leaving him behind, but offering him an opportunity to grow up together. With coaching, he could appreciate the subtle changes in each other lives, and see them as a positive opportunities to appreciate and support each other.
How can we be aware of changes in each other, regardless of the "frozen tree"appearance we choose to believe on? Even below the ice, the tree is getting ready for spring! Either the changes will fortify or destroy your relationship, but they can never be ignored.
So, please, include in your marital contract the concept of watching out for changes in your partner and greet them with appreciation and respect. If you find this concept threatening, what about a little conflict coaching to help you understand how to react with grace and brains to the inevitable changes? It can prevent further damage and enrich your life!