Passive Aggressive Husband

IF you are at the end of your rope with a passive aggressive husband’s behavior, and desperately dreaming of a solution to the kind of life you are presently living, HERE IS A PLACE WHERE TO FIND SOLUTIONS THAT WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE.  ARE YOU PRESENTLY IN THIS SITUATION? 

1. After all this time together, your biggest frustrations are:

·         Not being able to trust him to share and do things together;

·         Not feeling ever supported, accepted, admired by him

·         Not having him take the lead as a responsible partner

2. If you are alone with yourself, your biggest fears are:

·         Being abandoned when you need sharing and loving support the most;

·         Being attacked because of your needs for companionship;

·         Being ridiculed or humiliated when more vulnerable.

3. And you know very well what causes you the most anger:

·         Being the sure target of his angry (never positive) comments;

·         Receiving cold shoulders, put downs and critiques in public;

·         Being always second or last in his interests list.

Do you find yourself dreaming  this picture in your mind,  when you desperately dream of a solution to the problem you are having:

  • Being in a relationship with a dedicated, loving husband tuned to your needs and wishes as you focus on his;
  • Being able to share concerns, be listened to with respect and getting a shared solution with him;
  • Being able to rely on him without having to nag and pursue and harass him for solving day to day living issues.
  • Trusting that he will never put you down in public, either in front of your friends or relatives or strangers, and always speaking of you with admiration and love…
  • Trusting that he will not make you feel inferior by ignoring or sabotaging your good ideas and projects; or  stab you in the back by killing your projects without even discussing them with you.




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14 years ago

Also it isnt that he withdraws sex from me, its that he always wants it. when i think he is going to exhibit love toward me, it ends up serving his own needs. I go to give him a kiss and he grabs me in a sexually demeaning way instead. He doesnt do anything around the house, but yet will drop everything to go help out a buddy. we never go anywhere, do anything, unless one of his buddies invites us. i asked him to go on an outing and he wouldnt agree to going, but when a buddy said he was going then all of a sudden we were going too. He is gone all the time with his buddies. And he doesnt drink! So thats not it! i feel that he just hates me the way he treats me, but yet when i was thinking of leaving him, he begged me to stay. And its not like he physically abuses me or says mean things overtly to me, but i feel blind sided and wonder what just happened after a conversation or a look even. He can make me cry just uttering a word at the right time. im confused.

14 years ago

This is my first time understanding and putting a name on my husbands behavior. Finally i understand i am not crazy! he exhibits all of these things. But he never gets outwardly angry, but at the same time i felt that he was constantly purposely trying to make me mad, torturing me. I would tell him what I needed, like a hug, and then he wouldnt give it to me, but only after i asked for one. i was so confused. I would get him gifts that i knew he would like, but then he would not use them or ignore them. But if someone else gave him the same thing later on, he would use and enjoy it. Like he didnt want the gifts just because i was the one giving them!? These are just a few of the many many things he has done to make me feel unworthy and unloved. I just though dont know what to do now that i have finally put a name for his behavior. ANything?

14 years ago

I am sitting here reading these comments and this website and thinking, “Wow, someone has put my thoughts on a website.” I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Because here right in front of me, for the first time in 7 years, I can honestly say to myself… I am not alone anymore!!!
I have been married for 5 years. Why did I get married when I saw how he was prior to our wedding? Ignorance! I really believed him when he said that we would have sex more when we are married. Well our longest run of no sex was 2 years and 4 months to the day! That is just one of our problems.
Currently we haven’t spoken (except to pass on info about our 2 year old daughter)in 1 month and 12 days. Why? Because he didn’t like my tone when I answered my phone. I was questioning his whereabouts because he wasn’t home from work (approx 2 hours later than normal) and I had just minutes before I had to leave for work.
He likes to punish me. I’ve many a time told him that I have a father in my life already, but that doesn’t stop it. He likes to point out my flaws and put me down in front of people, knowing that I won’t say anything until I get home. And when I do, he twists it in a very loving manner saying that I am taking what he said out of context and that I should stop reading into things and makes the comment that I am acting “crazy”.
The list goes on and on in comparison to the other comments, to the criticizing my cooking (which I didn’t even know he could cook until our 5th year of being together) has made me not want to cook and believe it or not, I used to love to!
Then of course there is the good husband and bad husband. My parents and siblings used to joke as to which one would walk through the door. The good one was charming and sensitive. He loves to cook, talk and sing. He is an outstanding father who adores his child and wants to just move ahead in life. The bad one is rude and says hurtful things to anyone in his way. He keeps the baby in the crib and watches tv all night. Not caring to answer the phone. His answer to everything is “I don’t care”.
During serious conversations he wouldn’t answer me with answers but with questions. “Like do you still love me?” He’d say “What kind of question is that?” when asked again, He’d say “I don’t think I need to justify this question with my answer”
Well ladies, it is taking a toll on not only my emotional well being but on my 2 year old who is constantly trying to get her mommy and daddy together. NO MORE! I have started counseling and I am meeting with a lawyer this week. My only concern is the well being of my daughter. I can’t even predict if this is going to be smooth transition or not, because I don’t know if he will be good husband or bad husband that day. I can however tell you that I am tired of feeling bad for myself. Once upon a time, I was happy, charismatic, full of energy and a really good friend. I was someone you wanted to be around. These days I feel down, lazy, fat and unattractive.
I think it’s time to find the old me, because I know she is there somewhere. Don’t give up hope and it is never too late to make those positive changes in your life. I am no longer afraid. Regardless at how rough the road may be(especially in this economy)at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and know that not only my daughter but I too am worth the sacrifice! Stay true to yourselves!!!!!!

15 years ago

I have been married to a passive aggressive momma’s boy for the last ten years. His mother is very controlling and manipulative. She treats her son like a husband since his dad died several years ago. She expects him to drop what he is doing when she needs something and cater to her every whim. I know that is why he is PA with me in our marriage. He is afraid to stand up to her and when I ask him to do something, I’m last on the list. I have a house falling apart around me and he just ignores it. He doesn’t help raise our children, cook, clean, or take care of his responsibilities as a husband or parent. He is very childish and when he gets angry, I get the silent treatment. We have not had sex for over a year because he withdraws that too but has time to look at porn on the computer. I’ll have the last laugh though (I guess I am going to be PA this time LOL)because he is quitting his job to go school full-time in the fall because he EXPECTS me to support him. I work full-time. I have plans to leave and am seeing a lawyer this week for a legal separation. Let him move in with his mommy and let her support him.

15 years ago

I am relieved and saddened by discovering an explanation and understanding of my partners behaviour on this site. We have been together for 4 years and I can honestly say I have been confused for almost all of it and living a life that moves forward on my own whilst “our” life seems to go around and around in circles. I have detached myself from engaging with enthusiasm about almost everything to the point that practically all we have to share is dinner a few nights a week and endless conversations, ideas and re-workings of how we are going to live our life. Nothing ever happens and he leads us forward or I do, but think he has enrolled and then all of a sudden things stop, I start moving forward and he is not there, I get confused, ask for clarity and get it turned on me as if I am making it all up. Its incredulous and it started from the onset, his mother died suddenly six months after we met. I thought the confused emotions, lashing out and lack of clarity of who he was and what life meant to him was the bereavement and maybe mid-life. He certainly enrolled me in lots of listening, analysing and never once backed off when I tried to encourage his own choice, power and ability to choose as he wished etc… I have been too open and I regret this now,receiving explanations for all the confusion and never once really knowing how to deal with my hurt, just the idea that he would own up to any of the inappropriate comments or actions made me feel better. But he never does, cant, becomes defiant, like a teenager and sometimes “runs”. He has an awareness of it all and explains but NEVER the effect on others I realise, just a victim type explanation and no action to remedy it. This makes it all the more confusing. The only choices I realise are to live my own life and expect very little in the way of an authentic emotional life with him, or practical even (he keeps changing his mind and feelings about our finances and where we live – it seems if he gets the idea I have a choice, he de-stabilises things) or I leave. I am looking at the option of leaving, once I get over my own anger and frustration at the last “slight” he did not recognise as significant for me. Then I think I need to detach from engaging in any joined up way – we have seperated once before, but he changed…temporarily and seemed quite grown up and responsible, but it turned out to only really be with words. It is hard for me to accept that he is not seeking the same respect, togetherness and autonomy but joint decisions that I do and lots of people I know do. It is hard to remember it is not me – I have seen this behaviour in his work and from his family towards him, so know that it is a “pattern” and unless he wants to change it, he won’t. Thank you for reading and the opportunity to write…a lot ..

15 years ago

I have been married to a passive aggressive man for 35 years. i didn’t know that there was a name for his behavior for at least 20 of those years. I just knew he swung between being a perfect husband to someone who made me feel inferior or crazy. we managed to raise 6 children, 3 of whom were adopted and he really was a very good provider and cared for them .
He has embarrassed me in public, criticized me in very personal ways, both physical and intellectual. I was always left to solve problems,so it was either swim or sink for me. I tried to swim. I usually have to do projects around the house by myself because he will put me off if it means the house is falling down around our ears. He happens to be very skilled so I always knew it was not a fear of failure that made him drag his feet. It was to put me off. He never ever finishes anything he starts around the house.
His criticism of my cooking finally ran me out of the kitchen about 15 years ago. He is a very good cook so he took over. He makes everything in our marriage a competition. I can’t compete with someone that I want to walk through life with.
Three months ago my elderly father was in the hospital dying. MY husband chose this moment to walk out and leave me without a word or even a thank you for 35 years of my life.
Worse yet he will not tell anyone where he is and seems to be enjoying the control he has over the hearts of our now young adult children. He rarely calls them and when he does he refuses to tell them where he is. I think he left because he got caught up in a very huge lie and instead of correcting it or apolgizing he turned and ran. Maybe he wanted oout a long time ago.His sister knows where he is and refuses to tell any of us where he is. My feeling on that is that he is hiding behind someone else for emotional support. The sad thing is that we all love him very much. For years I tried to live with my glass half full and he kept it drained because of his pessimissm,life is not worth living attitude. For over 20 years I have gone between a perfect husband to having him totally ignore me in every way for weeks or months at a time. He buys me beautiful gifts and tells me he loves me every day when he is up.He is never available to talk about our problems if any come up, he just walks away.
He always tells me he loves working with me in my small busines but when it goes well he acts very jealous and mad about it.
He is a very intelligent, educated man and has far more good qualities than bad. But this drama is about to drive me over the edge. He has told me that he feels like he lost power and control so he blames me. The problem is I don’t know what he’s talking about. I became a survivor over the years because I could never depend on him to be consistent. He is now in self exile, we do not know where he is or why he is hiding. I think it is for the mind control that he knows he has over us.
He is passive aggressive.

15 years ago

Unfortunately, I think many of us in this situation have stayed out of necessity (i.e. children, finances, etc)., or blind hope that things can improve. In fact, it seems to me that hope is one of the cruelest things they finally offer after yet another blowup.
And then you are tired, self image in tatters, and pathetically sitting in front of a computer screen seeking validation. Anyone out there who has also searched and read and REREAD all that is out there for some solution?
How to reinvent a self?
Here is an example from my life:
Me: Chris, I think we should consider separating.
Chris stares and blinks as though he doesn’t understand the words.
Me: That seems to merit a response.
Chris: Well, what do you WANT me to say?
Here is my point: Where does one go from there?
I have tried out all the methods suggested for communicating and coping, but eventually they all fall short. Ultimately the same pattern reestablishes.
Well. At least trying to articulate this to anyone out there has had a calming effect. Because I feel certain at this point there is no good prognosis for people suffering from passive aggressive disorder OR their partners. And perhaps that can be a point of departure–that these folks are suffering as much as we, and they need compassion in that suffering.
It doesn’t matter how we fall, it matters how we land.

15 years ago

My husband for over 15 years is always sabotaging our relationship, our lifestyle even our children’s emotional lives. It’s so painful to see their confusion; they never know if they will get their father or some screaming lunatic or the one who makes sarcastic fun of them. It’s so bizarre. Over all this time, I have constantly questioned my own sanity. Used to be a content, happy girl, but lately I became so angry and resentful. He tells everybody of his family that he works so hard for us, while is incapable to help out regularly with the children, or house or projects. I work like a dog trying my best to keep normalcy, but it’s impossible, because you never know when he will begin showing sullen and despondent. It’s nuts I tell you. He does not discipline the children, instead he sulks when they did something wrong…for hours! Kids need explanation of what they did wrong, but they all get the hostile, resentful look and more silence! Causing the kids to be walking on egg shells, but then they don’t dare to share with me anything. He is the most selfish human being I have ever seen or heard in my life! Every thing has a connection with his wellbeing, and nobody else counts…this is so sad in a family! Thanks for letting me share…

15 years ago

Well this sounds familiar.

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