When is the right moment to leave?
Some time ago, among the many letters from readers, a reader under the name "Kitten" wrote:
"I have read the information in this blog. The "changes" in men seem to be because they "see the light" of their horrid ways. How many times does that happen in real life? I have one where no matter what, its all about him, and never (yes I know those are extreme words, but its true) about me. I have been going to therapy for years, and apparently the problems are not all my fault, as he led me to believe. He would never, in a million years, take any book I gave him and read it, so frankly, I don't see how this method could ever work."
and "Dory" responded:
"Some see the light, others do not. Some see it ONLY when they realize they WILL lose their wife, aka "mommy" (ie. they no longer have control over her).
So until she is ready to follow their words with action (leaving him or divorcing him), she will not see any result.
Some, when they take that action will see a man who is ready to change, others will find a man who refuses to change.
Regardless, that woman is "free" from the abuses of PA either in a changed man, or in a divorced man.
Truth is, he divorced her in his heart LONG, LONG ago.
She would just be putting to paper the "truth" of their marriage status.
Sometimes the truth will set you free.
Sometimes it also sets HIM free to realize his need to change.
There are no guarantees, only second chances at life."
What is the lesson here?
I'm very humbled by these two women's answers...in a nutshell, they get to the core of the question:
When is the right time to leave this relationship?
And their answer is when:
- Leaving is the last resort; when you have done ALL that you could, and got no meaningful responses;
- You have no other way left to really care about yourself and your future;
- You have to take your own happiness in your own hands, and stop depending on his answers to decide the direction your life is taking.
The key learning is:
When you are ready to send a strong message, follow by action:
"I'm done waiting for you to be in this marriage with all you have done to keep me apart;"
"I'm recovering my own life; our pact of loving each other is canceled!"
And, of course, you are at the same time finishing packing your things, not only material possessions but your self-esteem, your integrity, and your life project!
What is the lesson for you to think over?
You don't need to wait up to the moment when you are at your wit's end...you can leave when you have your message together, both the words and the action:
"I'm done waiting for you to be a vital part of this marriage, so watch me leaving you. .."
He's not only talking for the sake of talking...he will understand the dangers of abandonment only when you are serious about recovering your own life! So, begin packing! and keep visualizing your future peace of mind, re-connection with your loved friends and relatives, and being able to be yourself at last!
You don't have to live any longer in silent-marriage
Ask for your free conversation with Coach Nora, to gain clarity and support on rescuing your precious life!