Are you secretly scared of intimacy and having a sexless marriage?
Just looking at our past attachment conversations, we learned that having a secure attachment allows you to trust your partner so much as to be able to open up to intimacy.
The body of another person is not scary, or terrifying or repulsive, but a signal that good things like intimacy and security are offered. We are each other's refuge through intimacy.
What happens if you are terrorized of losing yourself, or merging with another as to be scared of getting near? Like, you look like an adult, but inside you have an inner child scared of
being abandoned again, this time by your partner? Well, you will find lots of excuses to be away, busy, tired, etc. Isn't this attitude contrary to marriage? Of course!
Why would people marry if they are afraid of intimacy? (This can be another post, for the future, right?)
The concept of attachment styles explains why some people are capable of healthy bonds with others while some are not. For those with impaired attachment styles, adulthood can be a
lonely experience, for as much as they want to be close to people it seems impossible, scary or threatening.
As Janet said:
"I finished reading your new book about sexless marriage......the idea of the "differing" attachment styles certainly rang true and was in fact what the therapist said early on about the two of us...that we were opposite sides of the same coin; that we both had suffered insecure attachments. I would cling on and he would avoid....the inability to give and receive for him was there and was very evident each and every time I knew he was trying to get away from me through overworking, golf trips, drinking, watching tv....anything to escape being near me.
What helped me was to understand that it was not an actual rejection of me: we needed to own our early life experiences where this attachment style happened, and where we learned to escape each other... and why; then we could realize it has nothing to do with each other now, but a pattern from childhood. The funny thing is that we were attracted to each other because we are similar....the tragedy is: there isn't much to be gained in a relationship where both people are avoiding each other....I know my therapist said a long time ago that once you deal with your issues then these defensive behaviors dissipate and all that is left are two people....the behaviors of avoidance/clinging will no longer be required. So, I know that I need to heal my avoidance style, and try new connections with my now" partner in crime, my husband" ....Good book Nora! "
After all this conversation, are you or your partner curious about your own attachment style? Now you can get to know your style, because we have a free test, here:
As you know, we are offering a conversation on this new ebook. You can be part of it anytime...your voice and your experience are needed! Thanks for being part of it...