Passive Aggressive Husband

how to deal with passive aggressive husband

Are you in the middle of another crisis at home, because you don't know how to deal with a passive aggressive husband?

Another situation where you feel overwhelmed and unhappy?

And just now, can you see the conversation going the usual way: a dance of accusations and defensive silence or denial?

And worst:  nothing gets explained, agreed or settled ever?

Here are the steps to turn a present crisis into opportunity:

1.- Be totally present:

  • Be aware of your breathing, and keep taking deep breaths;
  • Look beyond your perspective, at the situation from above ( both players' interaction picture);
  • Don’t blame yourself and don’t blame the other;
  • Ask yourself: What is the purpose of this conflict?

2.- Identify the needs underneath the angry interaction:

What are we trying to accomplish now?

  • Calling the other’s loving attention;
  • Needing to feel understood, accepted?
  • Reacting aggressively because of fear of being abandoned or attacked?
  • Anxious to be appreciated/valued by the other?

3.-  Now, describe your observation in a shared “we” phrase:

  • It looks like both of us need a lot of attention now;
  • It looks like you and I have a need to be supported;
  • Isn’t it obvious that we are competing for a bit of love?

4.- Complete the invitation to move from the perspective of “it’s me against you” to “we have this need and will think together about solving it

Ask: "Now how are we  going to fix this?"

Stress makes us tend to withdraw from confrontations. We prefer to believe that is safer to deny the conflict and to hide. So, we answer: “all is OK” when inside we are seething with anger or torn by despair and loneliness.

Hiding from conflict also forces us to believe that nothing can be done, because it’s one against the other, and we see that if the other person gets what he wants, then I don’t get what I need…inviting to a destructive competition for resources. We need to remember that marriage is a contract for reciprocal  cooperation!

Changing the frame to “Here we have a mutual problem: it is how to solve our reciprocal needs and help each other get satisfaction,” will invite both sides to stop attacking each other and begin cooperating towards a more useful conversation.


Neil Warner
Neil Warner
I'm the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, get the "The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband" ebook now .


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