How to deal with a passive aggressive husband – your Guide

Are you dealing with a passive aggressive husband now?

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All along your marriage, you have been in a confusing situation, due to the contradiction between his words and his actions... it's demoralizing, and you don't know what else to do to survive...

If you are going to continue married to this man, you do need a guide!

What Is Passive Aggressive Behavior?

"I have been in a very confusing state in my marriage for years!  I could not make sense of his contradictory words and behaviors and the sabotaging and general stagnant quality of our relationship.

Always believing that if I was good enough and modeled the kind of love that I wanted to receive, he would actually notice me.

Thinking that he just needed some time to grow and he would eventually SEE and appreciate me as an individual and want to have a meaningful, reciprocal relationship.

Finally, I have come to realize that he does not have that kind of desire in the core of his being; no matter how hard I try, I can't make it happen.

Why doesn't anyone else talk about this part of the drama?Am I the only one, or is it just too painful to own this emptiness?"

Why Is Passive Aggression A Problem In Any Relationship?

It is common that people, and really men, decide that it takes too much time and energy to make the effort to sort their own emotions and solve conflicts in a cooperative way.

The prevailing male attitude is denial of conflict and refusal to understand the other side. For men, retreating into silence and denying the existence of the inevitable marital conflicts is the easy

way out; it is fast, and "solves the problem" without confrontation (at least for now) and saves their emotional energy.

When your loved one is swallowing his feelings, denying that there is a conflict to be resolved and locking you out, the result is a lot of unresolved emotions and frustration festering inside.

With communication broken between both of you, he is withdrawing from sharing daily life more and more.



You feel lonely and get more emotional, reaching out to him, but he avoids this conversation.
He watches you becoming upset and thus feels the need to control himself by getting even more "calm and logical".
It makes you more anxious to break the wall around him and be really understood, so you get excited and cry or shout.
Then he gets more and more scared of your emotional display and retreats into stony silence.

Now you feel utterly rejected and left out.


NOW, we have a permanent emotional disconnection.  Do you share this experience?

"When I saw the posting on this web site, I felt that I had to join in, so I could share my experience!

After being married to my PA hubby for 18 years (well, I spent 11 of those years trying to make sense of my situation!), I'm now divorcing him after having had a BELLYFUL of his behavior! It took a lot

of convincing to realize that he is not intending to change anything, because he can't.

The descriptions I've seen of the PA man describe him very well; in fact, I halfway expected a photo of him to pop up with the description of the PA personality disorder!

The procrastination, the sullenness, the always negative approach to life, the years of unemployment because he couldn't get along with anyone at work, the controlling and manipulating me and our son (even manipulating the marriage counselor to side with him), well, the story goes on, and on, and on.

Now he is spending his brain into stalling as much as he can through the divorce process; I don't care, because it feels like I have been resuscitated in my new single situation!!  I'm positive, and realistic, and looking ahead to my projects. I'm happy to have discovered that there is life after marriage with a PA man, and I applaud my decision to leave him. It was another of his catastrophic lies, when he was telling me that I was finished after being 50!"

Let's remember the emotional roots of passive aggression:

If it is difficult for a normal husband first to read correctly and later address the emotional gap between his wife and himself, what happens when he gives up and retreats into complete withdrawal? Lacking the incentive to grow up coming from interpersonal connection, he is blocking his own development into a grown up, married person!

Now he doesn't respond to the obvious challenges of everyday married life; doesn't take ownership of the shared upkeep of the marriage; and finally he develops internal resentment at his "demanding wife" and at his present married life.

When choosing to shut up he ends up not knowing how to manage his internal emotional states, and thus how to reach out to you or the children with love and affection.

Loneliness and resentment fill the void; extreme frustration can make him use shouting, cursing, or threats of violence when feeling cornered.

You have an angry child forced to fulfill the obligations of a grown up, married man, and he is not a happy camper...probably will blame you for being "the wrong person for him."

Are there degrees of passive aggressive behavior?:

The impact of the passive aggressive cycle in your marriage will get even more painful with time.

IF AT FIRST: Your husband could exhibit some indicators of repressed anger:

  • Procrastinate, leave work undone, or "forget" to fulfill his share of tasks.
  • When asked about his problems he will not open up, but make excuses or blame others for his problems.
  • Or shut up completely, or omit information giving vague answers or lie to you;
  • Or deny his own behavior and claim he always has good intentions.
  • Or creating a crisis, blaming you for it, when feeling pushed to behave.


  • Silence breeds separation and more hostility.
  • In separation we assume negative intentions of the other.
  • Then we try to confirm that the other has negative intentions towards us by reading his actions in the worst possible light.
  • Finally this growing hostile communicative divide generates hostility and mistrust. LOVE IS GONE!


You Can See Your Husband:

  • Isolating or rejecting you without an obvious reason;
  • Stopping you from expressing your feelings of love or ignoring them;
  • Preventing you from getting your family's or friends support;
  • Showing sensitivity and caring one minute; hostility and resentment the next;
  • Attacking you in public with descriptions as "nagging" "controlling" "abusive" "coercive" and other words linked with abuse and control
  • Making negative jokes about you with his friends, while smiling at you the next minute;
  • Unexpected, unprovoked anger attacks, not related to the issue being discussed, but related to the experience he is having of you through his distorted "over-controlled child" lenses;
  • As a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship he will show no interest in sex exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together!

Are you with me now? Can you identify with this picture?

IF YES, You don't have to suffer the pain, humiliation, and loneliness one day longer. The sooner you recognize where you are at, the easier it will be to change the situation and avoid looking at divorce as your relief!


You don't have to feel overwhelmed, confused, or hurt one more day! Now you can have the tools you need to function in a difficult relationship.

If a person you love reacts to you in a passive aggressive way, there is help. You can learn how to respond to them, how to react in any situation, and how to gain control of your life again!

Let's review the basic ideas we want to offer here:

  • FIRST: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT: Probably he has learned to hide his anger and act it out in multiple sabotaging ways while he was growing up. He is using with you the only way to relate he knows. Look at his family and observe the way in which they deal with conflicts: do they take time and explore options with the others involved? Or they sulk forever without explaining their complaints, thinking that speaking is useless because they will never be understood?
  • SECOND: YOU ARE A PERSON WITH YOUR OWN NEEDS AND GOALS: Look around now and see how many of those goals are part of your life now? It can be pretty discouraging to observe that your present life does not resemble anything you've planned for, and instead you are engaged in a daily battle for control. If the point is that you see that there are some plans to do things with him that get systematically postponed or sabotaged, look back into your previous self, and ask: "Who is the person I wanted to be before?" and: "How can I claim some of these goals for me now?" Keep those goals at hand, have them handy as a note in your cell that you can see frequently, so you can remind yourself of the person you really want to be.
  • THIRD: THIS IS A MARRIAGE, IT HAS TO BE A SHARED PROJECT WHERE BOTH SIDES ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS CARE AND DEVELOPMENT: You will not be able to keep respecting him if the perception is that only you are responsible for the choices that keep alive the relationship!! You need to see him engaged, alive, and an active participant in this shared endeavor that is the marriage.

We propose a two way improvement program for you:

  • Learn how to manage the relationship with less stress.
  • Develop a strong system of self-protection from the impact of his behavior on you.

"I so don't want a divorce! But in a very real way my husband has not honored his vows to love me (if he doesn't love himself correctly how can he love me?). His PA is a form of constant abuse as real and cruel as a punch to the face. Honoring our vows is more than just not getting a divorce!  He needed to be loving and supportive, and instead I got this barren life where he even clams out and does not talk to me for weeks.

Now I got to understand that women married to PA husbands need to be "strong, warrior women" who can do the hard thing (teaching them) in a loving way and let them know we won't tolerate this twisted logic any longer and we are in our right to call them out to be better men. It's his call to answer, but now I will not bet my future peace to my married life!"



How many times have your friends said, "Just leave the guy?" This looks like an easy solution, right?

Well, not if you still are in love with him. While your friends might have your best interest in mind when they offer advice, they aren't in your position, and they can't provide guidance objectively. As you recognize and respect your true feelings for this person, you know you have seen him at his best, and you know he can be that person again.

Making a break from a passive aggressive person is one solution. But, if you are committed to your relationship, you need to have other options! You must take control of your relationship today. You must learn how to deal with passive aggressive people so they can't torment you anymore. You don't have to be a victim of your love life one more day!

In your heart you know you should learn the skills you need to use in order to be secure and confident in ALL your relationships. You should discover how to be assertive without being aggressive. You should identify ways to defend yourself against all difficult people. This process of retraining yourself and breaking old habits might take time, but the results will show through in your recovered relationships and your improved self-esteem.

To survive being married to a PA Husband, you need to:

  • Preserve your self-confidence and improve your self-esteem.
  • Focus specifically on solving your own needs and desires.
  • Express yourself in an assertive way, without losing credibility or respect.
  • Negotiate difficult issues with confidence and ease.
  • Maintain and respect your own perspectives, without being confused by his "logic."
  • Validate your anger and frustrations without letting these feelings control you.
  • Avoid being the "savior" of destructive personalities/behaviors.
  • Strengthen your support system with relatives, friends and acquaintances.

The Art of Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband

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By mastering these skills you will never again be a victim to passive aggressive behavior. You can finally free yourself of the emotional roller-coaster ride you've been on; you can learn to trust yourself again as a person with emotional strength, and you can feel, once and for all, truly happy with the person you are.

But, only read this book if you are ready for a change. Are you prepared to release your own pent-up feelings of helplessness against life and marriage? Are you ready to stop waiting for him to change; and to take control of your relationship and move it into a whole new direction? If so, this book is for you, because there WILL BE change. Your relationship will be different. You will feel secure in your reactions towards him.

He can continue to be as passive aggressive as he wants, but you will not feel that he can damage or control your life, and because of your reaction his need to use this behavior against you is gone!

Do you understand this point clearly? You are destroying his main motivation to use this behavior against you! Now you will look forward to a better future with the person you love. Are you ready for this kind of change?

Do you...

  • Crave open, honest communication with your partner, but he gives you the cold shoulder often?
  • Think you could have a good amount of respect for him if only you understood your husband's motivations better? Or if he was willing and able to be consistent with his promises?
  • Want to be able to trust him to follow up on his promises to you?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions it is time to learn how to control your future and discover the secrets to reclaiming your full love life.

If you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship, or if you are tired of useless confrontations with your loved one, it is time to make a change, by using the techniques that this book and the personalized coaching sessions we are offering you.


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"The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband" is a good help! I learned some really cool things about human nature and passive aggressive relationships. I was able to see myself in some of the examples, and learn what I was doing to invite his control over me. This book discusses hidden insecurities we all have, and taught me ways to deal with my own issues, and how to interact with my husband in conflict situations... I have answers, now!

Karen Amos

Washington, DC


Here is Janice's testimonial:

"I have been married 28 years to a passive/aggressive man who kept me thoroughly confused and off center the entire marriage.  The worst part was not being able to identify whether the problem was me or him.  While in therapy a couple of years ago, my therapist suggested I read some literature about passive-aggressive men.  After reading some of your articles and e-books first, and then talking to you personally I finally found peace at last!  By putting a name to the problem and researching it as the personality disorder I believe it to be, I am now able to heal and walk away from the relationship without the heartache and pain I have felt so many times when contemplating separation or divorce.

Thank you for all of your research and loving care, Nora!"


The Art of Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband

  • Living with a passive aggressive person is a challenge; you need useful solutions to dealing with difficult situations as they arise.
  • You will be helped to look at your personal needs for love and connection, now forgotten.
  • You will be guided to learn and use positive conflict management strategies that are right in your current situation.
  • You will be offered tips for adjusting the influence your partner has in your relationship.
  • You will begin to identify the messages your partner is sending regarding his personal motivations and deep-rooted fears.
  • You will understand how to cope with various lifestyle changes.
  • You will finally know - once and for all - how to break the passive aggressive spell using some ideas from positive conflict resolution.
  • As you implement new techniques you will see a gradual change in your life.
  • Your partner will respond to you differently.
  • You will both see an increased happiness and value in your relationship.

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Start Improving Your Love Life in Less Than Five Minutes

"THE ART OF LIVING WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAN" is available to you RIGHT NOW. In less than five minutes you could be learning priceless secrets to repair your relationships and be on your way to a happier, healthier love life. Reconnecting with your loved one has never been easier!

Why should you purchase this book today? Because now you can see ALL the benefits of getting this book. If you have more questions:

Visit our frequent asked questions page

Ask the author?

Visit our Ask Nora Section

Please do not hesitate to contact me!



Nora Femenia, Ph.D.

Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.
nora [at]
2805 E. Oakland Park Blvd, # 430
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, 33306 USA
+1 (954) 607-2183