Forgiving yourself starts relationship repair!
I know that sometimes, you feel at the end of your rope....tired and empty from being in a poor relationship. It gets even worst in this time of the year, with so many pictures of happy families...like you have to face the very image of what is painfully missing from your own life. And now you see so clearly how you did invite this misery into your life!
You have bitter questions for yourself: why did I enter into this toxic relationship? what happened to me that I didn't leave earlier? Can I be so stupid as to stay here, knowing how he treats me?
So, what's the point for me to push your buttons and invite you to do something so outrageous as to forgive yourself and your whole situation?
You need to stop reproaching yourself for getting into this depressing marriage, because it can give you a way out of depression and helplessness!
This is the time; because not other month in the year will give us the courage to look into failed relationships and undo the knot of hard conflict and hard feelings… If it not now, when?
So, you are going to finish this blessed year 2013 with the best gift possible, the only gift nobody can buy. It comes from a generous, if wrongheaded heart, and is healing for you, the person giving it.
Are you still here with me? OK, please, think of the most awful confrontation of this year…take a bit of time and remember the one that left you with a bitter taste, like “is this what our relationship is going to be for ever?”
Don’t escape yet; allow your memory to recover most of the interaction with this person…It doesn't matter if the reason for the fight was a petty one (most of them are). I want you to remember the angry feelings that pushed you to confront this person –that has provoked you somehow—in exactly this strong way.
Now, do you remember your anger? Good, then be in that anger for a second, and see it as a signal of your very much alive spirit, fighting back to defend yourself from attacks. You are the owner of this angry reaction, and there is power in feeling the anger...Things have not worked well, and now sometimes you feel trapped....We are going to imagine that strong anger as the ticket out.
Can you accept that it was righteous anger? that something inside you is clamoring for better treatment, more affection, and more recognition of the good things you do for the marriage? Then, I want you to close your eyes, do some deep breathing, very slowly, and concentrate in only one aspect:
You are going to forgive yourself! Forgive the choices that led you into this poor marriage; forgive the endless expectations of his change into a loving, respectful and attentive husband; forgive your eternal hope that by being patient and nice he would correspond with the affection you need...Wrap the person you were in this forgiveness blanket, and give her a hug. That is the only thing she needs now...to be forgiven, so she can try new behaviors.
And remember to maintain a grateful attitude no matter what the circumstances are around you. Be good to yourself, without guilt or remorse...You made it to here, this place of peace inside you; of total acceptance of who you were, and of the gifts still not used in your life.
Are you ready? This is not the time to chicken out….this is the time to get whole again!
IF you give yourself the gift of forgiveness, you will be one step ahead towards understanding that other people’s point of view is as valid as yours. From here, is easy to experience our shared fears and emotions, and then feel compassion for the other side, and for your own clumsiness…what you wanted was to be with a loving companion and not an aggressor, but you didn't know how to get that and stop the negative behaviors!
YES, you understood it well: Forgive yourself. Breathe deeply and give your inner imperfect person a pat on the back and say to her: “Next time, you know how to do it better…” More ideas on how to rebuild yourself, are here: Boosting Your Self Esteem: Be Your Own Heroine!