Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us

In thinking about why you married your passive aggressive husband, your reaction is probably one of these:

• I married him because of ______, so I’m holding to see if I can get that back
• I have no idea why I married this _____, I must have been out of my mind
• He fooled me into thinking he was a ________ type of person

However, the real reason you picked an emotionally abusive person for your husband is probably deeper than all of these. Finding the real reason can help you understand your relationship, what your emotional needs are, and how what you’re doing today might be denying those needs.

In “Are You With the Right Mate,” an article at Science Today, Rebecca Webber breaks down how to tell whether you’re with the right partner. One part in particular discusses why we choose the partner that we do.

One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.

This is especially true for couples who married young, as perhaps you did with your passive aggressive husband. Younger individuals have often not yet articulated what it is they really value and need, and so often find in their marriage a clash of ideals. However, that doesn’t explain why you were attracted to a passive aggressive man.

Perhaps you were looking for someone not so domineering as the men of your family? Did you feel more comfortable with men not always telling you what to do? Was it liberating to be with someone who did not ask so many questions about your plans, your finances, or your friends?You can find all that in a PA man... at the beginning. But to imagine that the control battle has not to be fought, is an illusion. we all need to define what we want with our partners and negotiate agreements about almost everything along our lives.

So, find someone who is willing to sit down, make eye contact with you and explore issues with you; who is not fastidious to “be done with it now” and that can express what he wants for himself from the relationship now and in the future.

Do you need help understanding what personal needs drove you to marry a passive aggressive man? Talk one-on-one with Dr. Nora today for a solution that works for you.