Are you ready to break up with a passive aggressive?
OK, you have first discovered and later reconciled with the idea that you are in a passive aggressive marriage;
You have discussed, talked and read as much as you can;
You put together the pieces of information you have about his life and can pinpoint the right stage of his development when something went wrong and he stopped developing into a grown up man...
And, if you connect with your heart, you know that your love for him is gone...This is an underdeveloped child, and you dream of having a mature man at your side.
Now, you are ready to leave. This is the bare-bones plan to break away from passive aggressive man; you can look at it as the basic steps in the road to recovery of your own self:
STEP 1:
FAR before getting to this point you need to have detached yourself from the idea that he needs your help and that you are the one to help, support and develop him. Look carefully at his attitude and ask yourself: is he doing the things he needs to do to grow up, by himself? or is doing those behaviors because I keep pushing him?
Is he going through the motions of improvement, because I'm so desperate that I keep nagging and pushing him?
Now you know the sad truth: ...if he is only trying to placate you, but his initiative is not there, he is not involved. He goes through the motions to make you believe he is changing now. He has no intentions to change anything, but wants to gaslight you so you stay.
PLEASE, DROP THIS PROJECT! Nothing can you do against his will, but waste your loving energy. (Besides, if you feel strongly motivated to help him, it's time to begin thinking on your own addiction to people who can frustrate you...)
Repeat: "This change has to be motivated by his compromise with his own life; not by my requests and my constant pushing..."
Let's see if he can do it mostly by himself. If yes, congratulate him, and continue leaving him alone to do his own growth plan...but with some encouragement, so he feels supported in his change process.
If no changes and you are ready to break up with him...think that the most loving thing you can do for him, is to leave him at charge of his own personal project. , g
STEP 2:
Focus on your own life. Now, you need to review your life mission, see how much of it you had done before getting together with him, and what part of that plan is still missing.
Realize that this painful part of your life has also a purpose to strengthen your character, but at the same time, it was a distraction from your path...
Now that you are back into your own life project, identify what skills you have learned from this difficult relationship, and move on to your future.
So, this painful time is not like being time wasted, but a necessary step to give you the skills you will be needing in the next part of your life.
Nothing was lost, you were doing the harshest of training only to emerge from this relational ordeal stronger than before...
Can you look at this list, to see which new skills are the ones that this situation forced you to develop? are you stronger, wiser, more resourceful than before? Can you enroll in some sessions with a coach that can reinforce your new wish for independence?
STEP 3:
Having shifted your focus from healing/educating him, to watching and caring for your own life purpose, and embracing your just learned skills, you are ready to design your own NEW LIFE.
Do you have a clear vision of what you are supposed to be? Can you recover it from your childhood dreams? Focusing on your vision is a whole new project, that should take all your energy and strength. There is much more to learn, but you can begin by drawing your life map, recovering old creative expressions from your past, and in general, being ready to listen to your own intuition.
THIS IS YOUR WHOLE PLAN....DON'T SKIP ANY STEPS, BECAUSE IF YOU ARE NOT DETACHED FROM HIS PERSONAL DRAMA, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY ENERGY FOR YOURSELF!
If you would like an extra hand, watch for the resources we list on this blog.
I'm waiting to support you in your search for a better life.
HERE: We have compiled the most popular posts on this blog. Your next read is:
https://passiveaggressivehusband.com/leaving-a-passive-aggressive-marriage1/
