Still waiting for Prince Charming’s arrival?

 Still Waiting for Prince Charming?

Sometimes, some people hope and believe that falling in love will solve all frustrated needs experienced before. The assumption is: “this person will be in my life, and all my needs for support, companionship, sex and emotional stability will be covered….”

 fightingWe find this hidden assumption as the core theme of love stories; of plenty of histories where the other person is seen as the source of all comforts.  Nothing wrong considering your loved one the only one who can repair you and make your happy….this is the core belief we all have when life is just starting teaching lessons to us. In short, it’s OK to have this magical belief in adolescence.

I’m concerned now about the question: why do we need to imagine the total solution for our love hungers to be one and only one: our beloved. And from lots of research, there is only one answer…the missing secure attachment from our childhood is still the target of our search. We never stop searching for the magical relationship that can make us feel accepted, beloved, protected and forgiven. Exactly the relationship that we never had.

This is a painful issue: I have to let you know that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, that some Prince Charming are impostors dressed only by our projections to look like complete solutions,  that our hopes for the only person who can makes us feel so good are putting an extraordinary burden in any other person near us…and that our happiness is not a project able to be outsourced completely to others. 

In short: if you really want to tackle the wounds of any insecure, anxious or avoidant attachment you had in life’s lottery, you need to befriend them, make a wholesale acceptance of whatever challenge life gave to you, and move on. We can give you a plan to heal your “love scarcity mindset” before you start out to search for Prince Charming.

Perhaps you are curious enough? Let’s begin:

 

  • Look at your abandonment issues:  the fears you have about being left behind, ignored or rejected, and think: where are they coming from?
  • Examine your feelings about not feeling worthy of a close relationship; your fears that if your partner really gets to know you, he or she won’t want you and will eventually reject you.
  • Have a conversation with your inner child, and say to him/her that you are never going to abandon him/her.
  • What can you do to treat yourself as the safe parent you needed way back? Make a list of your frustrated needs now, and include solutions;
  • Look at the expectations you have at your partner, and ask: am I delegating on this person my own happiness? what can this person give and what not?
  • If you were going to make your current relationship work, what would you have to do differently?  

If you are still looking for the ideal person who will fulfill all your needs, this post will be a disappointment for you. If you realize that here and now, the best solution for those cravings from childhood are inside your reach, because now you can adopt that child, respect and love him, and give your inner self the best respect you can develop…then this post will find a way to help you. 

Just let me know, will you?

Neil

PD. Of course, there is always help, like here:

The Silent Marriage: How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness 

About Nora Femenia, Ph. D.

Neil Warner is the CTO of Creative Conflict Resolutions. He offers strategies to heal difficult issues in a relationship, such as anger and passive aggression. His latest program, Stop Your Passive Aggression, offer a plan for action to change your life by eliminating passive aggressive behaviors from your interactions with your loved one.

  • JWF

    Hello Neil and Nora,
    My sister is 60 and became a therapist about 3 years ago. She is a grief counselor. She has years of experience prior to becoming one. She has given most of us in our family plenty of grief for years. Thankfully she has not sent us a bill for it. LOL!
    She is extremely passive aggressive also. Which I never knew tell a couple of years ago because I had a avoidance attachment with my family. When my recovery started I found your site.
    I think I understand some of her behavior is do to shame and guilt. But I am always surprised that it keeps happening at her age and with her training. She treats everybody less than , especially as far as her twist on Christianity. You are not saved if you don’t believe in her rendition of her truth.
    My mom is 93 and pretty sharp. It feels like my sister Gaslights her, acts superior and then when my mom confronts her. My sister always comes back ( To all of us) with, I am so sorry you are having a problem with….. WTF? She wants respect but is so disrespectful to Mum and family.
    Please excused my George Carlinism but WTHeck is that, and a good way to address it?

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