You know are in the wrong relationship, deep in your truest gut feeling. However, you don’t tell that to anybody, not even to yourself…You get busy, muddle through and postpone any critical view of your situation for next day….which never comes. Why can it be? several reasons..
The first one:
You are not used to see your own life as a project, that you are responsible for…Life deals you with whatever comes and you take it, and make the best of it. I used to have this resigned view of life, because my own agency was never included in my self-image. In other words, I wasn’t responsible for my happiness, so I had to deal with a bad situation the best you can.
Moreover, I began to see myself as a victim of circumstances I could not control…His moods, his attitudes towards me were fixed and I could do nothing. It is extraordinary how much strong this “myself as victim ” image was….there was a lot of comfort positioning myself into being a helpless victim of a bad marriage…
The second one:
There is a strong social push to value married women, that by having a husband have proven that they are good enough as to be selected and kept by someone….and to isolate or mistrust single women.
Staying with him made me a worthy person, engaged into the basic female task of changing him, and keeping the marriage alive with my dedication and selfless work….It helped a lot to avoid looking at my own “abandoned” aspects that I needed to make grow and flourish.
Staying with the “wrong” person helped me avoid looking at myself. It was a massive distraction, applauded by my family and my social group. And it confirmed that, it was never a fact that I could depend on myself to support and care for my needs, even when minimal…Later, having children, it made this point more difficult: how would my children have a good life without his support?
If you are tired of being in a bad relationship and want to take action steps to recover a happier life,
BE aware of the basic issue here: you need to heal your attachment wounds and achieve a secure attachment with someone who is able to provide what you need.
- If it is abandonment issues, find a guy who can be there with whatever he has
- If it is lack of appreciation, find someone who knows hot to appreciate you, and does it joyfully
- If it is insecurity, watch out for a person who can live with insecurity, but knows how to bounce back and learn to be resilient…
HERE is more help, just in case you want to identify your attachment style: Attachment Style Test.