Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Does Your Relationship Need Repair? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Miscommunication in marriage is a common problem. Men and women, depending on the ways they were raised or how their parents communicated, can both talk in ways that don’t always fit the bill for making communication easy and comfortable for both. Often, men are accused of not being “open” enough, and sometimes, they are also labeled as “passive aggressive” by their frustrated wives.

Whether or not men think they are talking enough and supporting their wives emotionally, there is still the fact that some women feel the communication in the marriage is not sufficient. It is as if a whole generation of boomers (and perhaps even younger people) never understood how to fulfill each other’s communication needs; now, they get into couple conflicts about this gap.

If women remain feeling isolated and not listened to enough, marital grief is present – plain and simple. Can this situation be improved?  Conflict Coach, through years of research, family mediation and finding innovative solutions that work, believe that this situation can be turned on its head. First, the label of “passive aggression” must be dealt with; the one that is now so easily to attach to men’s behavior. How true can is it that being reserved, non-communicative and harboring hidden anger is part of a person’s natural, born-with-it personality? Conversely, how much of that “personality” is a conflict-causing trait that he may have picked up or learned without realizing it?

Conflict Coach is exploring this question deeper by studying childhood experiences. Their research has led to interesting conclusions in the realm of passive aggressive psychology. In discovering what is a personality trait and and what is defensive behavior in a relationship, Conflict Coach proposes that passive aggression may be largely dependent on the attachment model learned within the child’s relationship to their guardian.

For example, when a man was a child, was he restricted from expressing his anger toward his parents? If he had a need, and was feeling it keenly, what happened when he expressed it? If he was guilt-tripped for being too “needy,” shamed for being a baby or a whiner, he probably taught himself to just shut up when he needed something from other people. In order not to feel pity for himself, he would have then taught himself that repressing emotions and sucking things up was an admirable trait – a feat of skill, something only a manly man could achieve.

A future passive aggressive man, in order to learn how to control himself and not open up, would have shown his frustration in ambiguous ways, like falling behind in school, even if he was very smart.

Conflict Coach is using their findings to help the passive aggressive man heal the behaviors that are causing miscommunication and pain in his marriage. They help a man identify the lessons of his childhood, and appraise the real situation at his home, where these old defensive mechanisms may still be at work. For example, he may be going silent for days or weeks, reflecting the lessons he taught himself in childhood. The truth remains that this behavior is destroying any intimacy he was able to build within his marriage. His wife feels condemned to loneliness by his withdrawal and silent days, and the man himself is trapped in a lonely jail of his own making.

If a husband wants to know how to solve this frustrating challenge, Conflict Coach invites him to identify here and now what inner forces are sabotaging his marriage.

It is now possible to take a free, short online test on Conflict Coach’s new website, Passive Aggressive Test. The test is an intelligent strategy for getting to know a husband’s personalized answers and communication style; whether the results are normal, passive aggressive, or mixed, he can know exactly where he is on the spectrum, and this crucial definition can then be explained to the frustrated partner.

For men interested in assessing themselves and learning how to heal miscommunication and conflict in their marriage, the next step is simple: take the Passive Aggressive Test at

http://passiveaggressivetest.com/passive-aggressive-test/

If a husband is found to have no passive aggressive behaviors, he will know that there is something besides just his personal behavior going on to create a wound between him and his wife. Alternately, in the event that some of his behaviors are passive aggressive, he will receive immediate options for change from Conflict Coach’s growing collection of resources, such as life-changing products, coaching and community support.

 

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. 

Conflict Coach offers a complimentary phone consultation , with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

New Test for Passive Aggressive Husbands is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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It is a pattern learned from the interaction with the mother or caretaker, who taught him in his first year of life either that he should not depend on her (and thus you should not depend on him) or instilled in him a fear of rejection or ambiguous security (thus, he will not open up to you or doing anything to make himself look bad).

What are the three most common attachment styles?

• Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
• Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother is one where she alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of any relationship unreliable and fickle for the child.
• Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoiding giving him what he needs if he asks for it. A caregiver figure may not have been emotionally present at all. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional.”

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often appear together and reinforcing each other in a passive aggressive person. At his core, his inner child still worries about rejection from others, especially you as his wife (anxious attachment). To isolate himself from this inner child’s fear and resentment, the passive aggressive man uses avoidant attachment to prevent you (and perhaps himself) from seeing the scared, anxious child inside.

Often, what we learn is that your own attachment style can affect how your passive aggressive husband’s style manifests. Your own style can determine whether or not he reacts anxiously or avoidantly – for example, if you are anxious or insecure yourself, he may be more avoidant. If you are avoidant, he may be more anxious, his actions driven largely out of fear of/perceived rejection by you. If you have a secure attachment, and know what happens with him, perhaps living with you and acting as a secure, supportive spouse will help transform his primal attachment style into one more mature.

How are attachment patterns influencing the outcome of your passive aggressive marriage? If you have learned a little more about both of you by reading this post, but are unsure how you can apply that knowledge, we have many resources for you.

The best place to start would be a free consultation with our conflict coach. Coach Nora can guide you through the process by which you can learn to reach a compromise between your attachment styles, and even learn to rewire old patterns into new, secure ones!

Passive Aggressive Attachment is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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He has done a lot of the following behaviors to me:

• Saying he will do something and not doing it;
• Doing something half-assed, and then blaming me for attacking him when I confront him;
• Never taking responsibility for things that go wrong;
• Defiant against authority and social mores, always criticizing those who have power in church, government, at his job;
• Gets back at people secretively – like shooting the neighbors car with a BB gun and then denying having done it;
• Lying to save himself or avoid punishment;
• Having an affair and saying it was caused by me not giving him affection.

When I confront him about any of this, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he says I’m “out to make him wrong” (his hidden anger, from when his family would make him the scapegoat). And that’s where the conversation stops! If we’re unable to move beyond this communication wall, our relationship is going to end, and badly.

- Madeline

 

My husband and I have a lot of communication problems because of his passive aggression. He often forgets conversations we’ve had, denies they happened, or denies any fact from them that would make him wrong. I’ve taken to writing things down, repeating them verbatim, or printing email records to prove that I’m not as crazy as he says.

I feel like I can’t talk to him even then, because he’s continually passing judgement on what I’m thinking and doing at the moment, showing me that I don’t pass his evaluations and expectations.

It’s like a constant mental game of chess – I’m always on the defensive, while he thinks the opposite. Meanwhile, we shouldn’t be competing or playing games at all! Failure to communicate honestly and openly is breaking up our relationship.

- Eden

 

His passive aggression is making our lives hell. The simple things like saying “I’ll do this,” and then actually doing it, are lost. He uses his passive aggressive communication/language as a way to make me feel demanding (when he doesn’t do things he said he would) or abusive (confronting him about how many times he’s let me down).

He is bitter and jealous of anyone else’s achievements, and either criticizes them constantly or refuses to talk to them at all. He continually gripes about not being recognized for his hard work, when he’s not really putting in any more effort than I am.

He mumbles so I can’t tell whether he’s insulting me or others, and he’s distant, even when we’re in the same room.

Help me!

- Georgia

What can you do to deal with this sad state of affairs? There are lots of resources here in this blog, as well as coaching available.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, offering you a coaching session to deal with hubby’s passive aggression!.

How Does Passive Aggression Kill Communication? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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If we look at long term impact of these different communication strategies, we can see that they have different consequences. We can yell and apologize later, which eases the situation into normal dialogue; we can yell and continue using names and aggressive four letter words on our spouse. Is it effective venting? you bet! is it conducive to marital happiness. NO… you come across as impulsive, aggressive without self-control and it makes the other person fearful of raising important issues and cower in his/her own hole. In the end, it destroys trust and communication is reduced to a minimum.

You can explain your point of view in a calm view. If the other side is upset, perhaps she can see you as cold and detached; and perhaps the crying can escalate up to the point where you show some feelings and console her. From here on, we are back into normal communication. You still have the satisfaction of being able to share your ideas in a way that is not threatening or insulting or damaging the relationship.

What happens when you withdraw from interchanges with your spouse? you are trying to send a message of being offended and/or hurt, and it can come across as such in the beginning. However, a long term withdrawal signals a complete emotional detachment and confirms that there is no life in the marital bond….there is a very high price to pay because it is known that high rates of divorce are attributed to one spouse’s withdrawal from daily communications.

Is there a gender difference in the use of this strategies?

Over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages.

They tend more and more to extend an olive branch and start any kind of verbal negotiation, only to keep the conversation going. In short, they usually learn that withdrawal doesn’t work.

Husbands tend to use this tactic in the same proportion through the years, and doing so send the message that they do not care about reconnecting verbally with their spouses, so deepening the chasm between them in a non-recoverable way.

What are they trying to protect with the silence? their privacy? their hurt self-esteem? Whatever the reason, this is a sure way to destroy any bridges of understanding and mutual support… it converts the marriage in a silent partnership which makes no one happy.

Would you like to have more information? Go to the scientific publication!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Now you can even get in touch with a complimentary coaching session! So, what are you waiting for?

His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Today we’re offering a tip that will help you work through these feelings in a healthy way, so that you have a clearer understanding about the relationship.

The real struggle we see in relationships like this is that the victim can’t identify what’s really going on. Maybe you see him pulling away and think “He doesn’t love me.” Or, even worst: “I’m not lovable.” In reality, he is afraid of getting too close and then being hurt.

This conflict within himself creates conflict between the two of you; he sends out contradicting messages like “I’ll be here for you when you need me,” and then he’s gone when you need his support in a project or event.

He’ll produce even more confusion by trying to rationalize his behavior, giving you a list of good reasons why he does what he does.

Here’s the tactic most helpful for avoiding the confusion his actions can cause:

Come to terms with being in a passive aggressive relationship. This has a lot to do with saying to yourself: “this is my situation, this is how it is. It is not about me, or him not loving me. It is about him, his passive aggression, and his hidden fears. My confusion and emotional pain are indicators of being with him – not him being with me!”

When you think clearly about the situation, you are better prepared to move forward toward a solution between yourselves.

Otherwise, you’ll keep accusing him of not wanting a relationship, he’ll accuse you of being too needy, and you’ll keep going around in circles!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Why don’t you get your conflict coaching session today? Go to Conflictcoach.me now!.

Stop confusing your brain! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Now, this is a different take: you have here a dialogue with questions and answers about the main issues of PA Behaviors. Perhaps this way of interaction can help you get clarity, or start a discussion, or get you thinking about a new angle….

Whatever your response, you are always welcome to post here your reactions. We will follow through, of course, with more back and forth about how, why, and what of managing this very difficult challenge with loved ones who hide under passive aggression….Enjoy the answers, and thanks for keeping connected with this blog!

INTERVIEW WITH COACH NORA

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Please, subscribe now to receive your free ebook: “Healthy Marriage.”

Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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What does it mean, that the love in your relationship has become toxic? It means that the heart of your relationship has become sick; you are two unhealthy people joined by needs that are not fulfilled. Almost like cancer, you begin consuming each other, until there is nothing healthy left.

The problem is that, also like cancer, this toxic love can go undetected for a very long time. You each may fool the other into thinking that you are nurturers and givers, when in fact, all that exists now is anger and insecurity. It is easy to see how, eventually, both people forget what it means to be healthy, in a healthy relationship. They begin thinking that this is the way it will always be.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic love relationship?

It’s simpler than it seems. Do you feel afraid or anxious most of the time you are with that person? When you’re apart, do you feel content because you are having a good time without this person, or do you worry about what they’re doing?

Maybe it’s hard for you to decide, because you’re used to seeing other couples handle things badly, too. It could be that your own parents had a toxic relationship, and you’ve just gotten used to it. Were them excessively dependent on each other, like enmeshed into each other? Were them used to a lot of domination and control of one on the other? We are talking here about relationships were the impact of the connection ends up smothering individual growth, or thinking or creativity of one or both partners. From the outside, they seem as they can’t be happy together, but also can’t be apart from each other…Do you recognize the picture?

Some other indicators of toxic love are:

• Hating the person you are with him;
• Thinking only about what you need to be happy, but can’t get
• Beginning to dread spending time with your partner
• You need to force him into having your way, but keep failing
• The two of you are pulled in different directions, but can’t be apart
• Struggling to find common interests,  beyond “the children”
• Can’t agree on how money should be spent, start separate accounts
• Afraid to open up and share your ideas or feelings
• You’re ignored in public
• One or both of you flirt with other people
• Fear of your partner
• Disagree about what love really means

If your passive aggressive relationship has progressed to this toxic level, it is time to heal it, before you are both consumed by the frustration!

Please tune in to our next blog posting: Healing Your Emotionally Toxic Relationship…see you soon!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today; get your free ebook “Healthy Marriage” by subscribing now.

Has Your Relationship Become Toxic? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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“Just this once,” you say. “Just this once, I want a real, sincere apology.”

If you have a certifiable passive aggressive on your hands, you may have never experienced a real apology from them. PA mentalities restrict them from accepting their own wrongdoings or taking responsibility for the pain they may have caused you in an argument or altercation.

Apologies and a trading back and forth of acceptance and forgiveness is the core of a healthy relationship. Strong bonds are formed when people trust one another to say “I was wrong,” and move on.

What does a real, not fake, apology look like?

A real apology will not be rushed, and will honestly commit to doing something specific. It will say, “I’m sorry I said you don’t understand,” not, “I’m sorry you feel bad.”

Man or woman, there is a certain etiquette surrounding when to apologize, when not to, and how to approach a loving partner with an apology.

Slow down – a good apology can sometimes be ruined by hasty, mixed up turns of phrase.

Sincerity – State explicitly what you’re sorry for.

Take full responsibility – offer an apology for all the things you said, not half. Important here is not to apologize for something you didn’t do. That gives the other person an unfair power over you.

An apology that keeps things like these in consideration sounds true and principled, not trite and insincere. Let your emotional integrity speak for itself, or you will create more problems for yourself.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your own copy of “The Art of Living with a PA Husband“.

Real or Fake Apology? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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For example, a passive aggressive partner may do a bad job when asked to clean the house, so that the other person will “learn” that if they need something done, they should do it themselves.

Another example is sabotage of a diet or other plans for self-improvement. The PA partner might bring home sweets and encourage the dieter to indulge. This kind of sabotage is so childish that it seems unbelievable, but it is a PA’s way of keeping the person to themselves and preventing them from being attractive to others.

Similarly, the PA may sabotage the projects and goals that threaten the PA’s status in the home or relationship. They may use emotional barbs, often disguised as humor, to bring their partner’s self-esteem down and discourage them gaining power and status.

This behavior needs to be stopped in its tracks, but how do you stop sabotage when it is so subtle?

Go with your gut feeling on things. If you sense that you are being manipulated, or that your goals and projects seem to be taking forever despite your efforts, consider your situation. Recognize patterns in your partner’s behavior that may be clues to sabotage.

It is important to not only recognize the behavior but also communicate with your partner how it effects you and your needs. Ask them to look at their behavior in a serious light and let them see that there are implications that putt he relationship in danger. Do not accept the blame for the behavior, because passive aggression is not caused by outside factors – it is their problem. The only thing you are responsible for is your reaction to the behavior and the choices you make in confronting your partner.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting your copy of the ebook: The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband.

How to Resist Passive Aggressive Sabotage is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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