Some of the responses, 75% of them expressed dreams so:

1. “I need to know that I have a partner who cares! When you truly love someone, you want what’s best for them; you want to see them spread their wings and try to fly. Helping them with the things that matter to them is never a burden. Most importantly, loving someone means you wouldn’t dream of sabotaging their projects; their dreams. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what my husband has done, and almost all of my projects have been ruined by him.”

2. “More than anything, I desire the freedom and confidence to take on even the hardest projects. Instead of criticizing me or telling me I can’t do it, he should be cheering me on, letting me know that he’s proud of me. I know that I am strong enough to succeed without his help… But success would be so much more gratifying if I knew that he had been there to encourage me through my struggles.”

3. “I want to know that we don’t have to compete against one another and argue about whose project or needs are more ‘important’. I wish we could slow down, lean on each other more, and simply enjoy our time together. Who knows, maybe we would even get excited about each other’s important projects!”

In what other ways would you know that he supports you?

• “I know I can count on his support when I need it, no matter what it is I require.”

• “My husband cares enough to do something simply because he knows it’s important to me.”

• “He is with me every step of the way, but he also respects my space and gives me time to develop my projects.”

• “It is a back and forth conversation: I give him my full support, and he returns the gesture.”

• “He takes a real, genuine interest in the things I want to do.”

I simply need to feel respected.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be respected, included and supported in your life struggles by the person most near you…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his way of denying support to your projects, and request from him the reciprocal support that is the core of any marriage? And how are you going to repair the damage caused by his negativity and lack of support that forces you to give your battles always alone and with an extra handicap of fearing him stabbing you in the back?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Some 78% of the responses expressed:

1. “Although no one should ever be given the cold shoulder, and I don’t agree with him giving it to me, I still want to know why he thinks I deserve it. Better yet, if I do something wrong and hurt him, I want him to simply come to me and say, ‘You hurt me.’ I would do everything in my power to right my wrong, if only I knew what it was.”

2. “I want there to be warmth in our relationship instead of this coldness that he’s created by turning me away. It would make me so happy to be able to say to each other, ‘Honey, I am upset because of this or that, but I still love you.’”

3. “I am allowed to express my feelings as long as they are in agreement with his. If they are not, I am isolated for them and given the cold shoulder. I want to feel that I am worth something to him, that I will never be ignored. I want to feel that I am part of a special institution – marriage – and not an orphan looking longingly through the window.”

In what other ways would you know that he would never turn his back on you?

• “I feel like I made a good choice when I married him. I can count on him for anything.”

• “He tries hard to keep a good mood and move on with the day, even if we run into a snag.”

• “I know that I am the last person on earth he would turn his back to.”

• “We have everything we need to be happy and comfortable. He would never jeopardize that by weakening our connection.”

• “When he’s upset, he never jumps to conclusions and blames me. We sit down together and talks things out until we find the real reasons.”

• “He makes me feel wanted and loved in a personal, intimate way.”

• “It would break his heart to know he had made me cry.”

I simply need his open heart, loving me.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be loved, included and helped by healthy confrontation when is needed…how are you going to find the warm support you need to face everyday’s life challenges? How are you going to challenge his isolating himself and giving you the cold shoulder, and educate him into proper and respectful communication that solves problems and expresses love and commitment at the same time?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Some 65% of the responses are:

1. “I would like to feel that when and if he starts sulking, it’s a momentary lapse. It’s normal to feel a little let down sometimes, but he needs to let it go, get back in the game, and resolve the issue like an adult.”

2. “Some honesty between us would be great. He could just tell me when something is truly bothering him, and if he needs his space, I would give it to him. Instead, my PA husband claims that “he is not sulking,” when he clearly is. Worse still, he blames me for causing his bad mood!”

3. “I wish he would feel secure enough in our relationship to know that he can not only communicate with me, and tell me what’s wrong, but that he can also let down his guard and let down his walls. I want him to know I’m here to support and comfort him, not undermine him. If my husband felt supported and happy, my family would be happy too.”

In what other ways would you know that he can calmly solve problems?

• “I don’t have to pretend things are fine just so he’s not offended.”

• “He acts his age and meets me on an adult level, even if he doesn’t get what he wants.”

• “When he has an issue with something in our relationship, he is calm and doesn’t make me feel like a criminal.”

• “He lets me know that my love and my support mean the world to him.”

• “When he’s sad or angry, I know I can bring a smile to his face and snap him out of it.”

• “He knows he can confide in me and trust me.”

• “He respects every member of our family, and never takes his anger out on them.”

I simply need a peaceful relationship.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be in a peaceful and nurturing relationship, to receive positive affection and encouraging support…how are you going to establish a peace zone in your life, where there is no sulking, no negativity and no love refusal? How are you going to provide yourself with this peaceful emotional area in a constant way?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

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Here we had some 85% of responses expressing the following dreams:

1. “Sometimes I feel like it’s a lost cause to think we can ever communicate openly about why he needs to play these games, why he hides his thoughts and actions. Maybe it isn’t hopeless to dream of clarity, but right now it seems like it.”

2. “I want to be an integral part of his life and worthy of so much more than games. I do not like playing mind games and think this is the worst aspect of my PA husband. I do not want to have to play games to get what I want; I prefer to be forthcoming, and want that in return.”

3. “I would like to have consistency, to trust that a yes is a yes and a no is a no. Being with a man who changes his mind all the time makes me feel insecure, like I can’t trust him. I never know where I stand, and I leave the argument feeling like nothing has been resolved. It makes me feel heavy.”

In what other ways would you know that you can trust him?

• “My well-being is more important to him than keeping up appearances of perfection.”

• “We never waste life’s precious moments; we focus most on loving each other.”

• “I can think clearly when I’m with him, and I have faith in myself and my perceptions.”

• “Reverse psychology does not occur when we are working things out.”

• “He would never insult my intelligence by being dishonest or trying to manipulate me.”

• “He is above cheating me or stifling me; he thrives on bringing out the best of me.”

• “Our relationship doesn’t feel faked. It’s a real, secure connection.”

• “Sometimes, if the situation is complicated, we set down a time limit and a goal.”

I simply need security.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need for a secure bond, where you can trust your own perceptions as connected to the shared reality, how are you going to send the message that you want to get rid of manipulation and deceit? How important is this need and how are you going to prevent the lack of trust that is so damaging to your self-esteem? How are you going to respect your own need for transparency and truth?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband,” and begin the path to recover yourself!.

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We need to remember first that this kind of behavior
a) is not caused by or originated with the present marriage;
b) has deep roots in his childhood and family of origin
c) is connected with some kind of long forgotten trauma, still active inside him.

This short description is necessary because there can be so many misconceptions obscuring the understanding of his present behavior. She is not guilty of his present passive aggression, because he has been functioning in this way to protect himself from life’s hazards and tribulations for a very long time.

So, why the need for secrecy? If the original trauma and all the feelings included has to do with his parents, or a parent substitute as uncles, godfathers, or ministers, it could never be opened up. The victim, in this case your husband, had to keep everything inside as a way of colluding with his parents who decided that the situation was normal enough not to merit a comment or a defensive reaction. If the child was abused, emotionally oppressed or humiliated in some way, this was never talked about, because the loyalty to parental figures was stronger. Then and there, secrecy was the main line of defense: don’t say a word about what hurts you. Tragically, this “defense” ends up exterminating all humanity in relationships, because then the humiliated child has nobody to defend his integrity, and every one of the adults is a accomplice of the hurt.

The last thing a PA person will do is to complain about his own past or present unhappiness. He is still a five years old child inside, convinced that there is no justice in this world, that talking will get him punished and still will get no justice, and that opening up could end up in more ridicule, punishment or humiliation. No, he can’t say a word….which doesn’t mean that he is not hurt, resentful and dreaming of revenge!

This secrecy pact is what makes it so difficult to live with him…produces the impression that he is still more loyal to the people that then and there damaged him, than to his present situation and loving companion. Secrecy will make also impossible to provide him with the satisfaction and nurturing his own needs demand, and will generate resentment on both sides: on her side because she is willing to give love that he finds impossible to accept and from his side because whatever he can receive is not answering his deep needs for love and security coming from his past starvation.

Secrecy also gives him the illusion of conserving his own power; if nobody knows what hurts him, he can deny that some hurt exists in his heart forever. “Me keeping a grudge against my parents? Why would I do such a thing?”

Denial is a wall that blocks connection in marriage. It signals a whole part of his soul is not included in the marriage bargain. Allows withdrawal and isolation, and predicts more isolation, but the illusion of power and control.

So, what can you do? First, accept that this is his reality; no amount of coaching or preaching will make him leave this cave when he feels the need to be protected there. Perhaps allowing him to keep his secrets, giving him permission to withdraw in his cave and sulk there, is the only way of giving him what he needs. And feeling that he has not to fight for his right to some privacy, so he can feel secure enough of being respected as he is, could invite him to leave his cave more often.

SIGH? nobody said that this kind of marriage was going to be easy, right? What about your karma could be now putting you in this pickle?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Guess what? Here and there, we receive a letter from a husband, asking: what about my situation? Do you have any advice for the victim of a passive aggressive wife? Or my loneliness and suffering have to be ignored?

So, here is your initial response. More will come, of course, but this is the first take on this issue…how can you recognize a PA wife?

The main challenge to think about this question comes from traditional female education about being passive and obedient. Girls are still socialized in this way in many parts of the world; and being subservient and self-denying is accepted and encouraged. How can you be any more obedient? Or…how do you show your anger by being obedient, if being obedient is showing off how a “good wife” you are?

Well, you can be too obedient….you can kill any initiative from your side which risks making your husband feel not valued or appreciated. He will not have anything to complain about, or at the same time, anything to rejoice about!

One of the favorite arenas is the sexual arena. If the wife always waits for him to take the iniciative, is she being complacent or saying that she is not really interested? This question will appear in the mind of the husband, and after some time, he will begin to feel under appreciated.

Again, how do you denounce this? How do you complain about “perfect wife behavior,” taken to the extremes?

The few husbands already telling are describing a passivity that leaves all initiatives on their shoulders, a blank acceptance that smothers all enthusiasm and the impossibility to comment on relational issues with her without having a tantrum.

Perhaps we should think about the modalities of passive aggression used by a wife to express her anger without words. Perhaps you have other examples to share?

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Here we will learn how to interpret more silence as anger, repressed anger from a partner.

There is no reason someone would fell suddenly silent, if she is not trying either to control a reaction or to show something that can’t be conveyed in words. Here we have non-verbal behavior, and this behavior has a message: “I’m very angry at you, or at the situation, or at something”

You’d better pay attention now, because your loved one is swallowing his/her feelings, ignoring and denying that there is a conflict to be resolved, but with anger festering inside.

The result is that, with broken communication between both of you, there is a growing withdrawing of cooperation from shared daily life.

Without knowing the reason why, you can see yourself excluded from some projects or find that there is no follow-through to previous projects, and no explanation is given…

This is the time to ask yourself: could it be that my partner is angry as hell, and can’t show it?

Scary as it can be, it’s true that some angry reaction is brewing inside, and you are left with the task to bring it up to a level where it can be confronted and resolved.

NOTHING will happen, but more hidden anger, if you don’t step up to the plate and do something. Whatever you plan to do, is better than ignoring the silent partner, because silence is a communication that you can’t ignore.

The first task is not to feel invalidated or criticized by the silence; perhaps you can maintain your self-esteem thinking of the situation as produced by his/her non-existent skills at fair fighting in a marriage. It’s not your fault, OK?

Refuse to match the denial and begin your talk about “our present concern” in terms of a shared responsibility.
Offer a supportive mood: “we’ll talk about it as soon as you feel ready”
Keep being clear about the issue: “we both need to have a shared decision on this issue, because it’s important to both of us.”

And clarify your expectations: if this person has a way to discuss things with you, and this is a momentary situation, be encouraged and keep supporting. If he has not the disposition or habit to discuss things with you, and focus only on his hurt feelings, you can have a steeper battle in front of you.

Marriage is a shared endeavor, and we need talk to share opinions, ask questions, and decide issues. As much as your silent partner bails out from this task, and leaves you alone deciding things for the two of them, you don’t have a husband but a dependent child. It’s now the time for you to make that distinction?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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