Balancing Passive Aggression Strategy 1

July 5, 2010 By

Have you been sometimes daydreaming of giving your PA husband a spoonful of his own medicine? Are you really tired of balancing and compensating the day to day tasks he leaves undone? ever think of turning tables on him? This is the strategy called ‘fighting fire with fire.’

If your passive aggressive partner is used to have you covering up for his withdrawal, silences and frequent claims of helplessness, then STOP.

You could train yourself on not reacting to cover up his missing activities. Given that your own welfare and livelihood are dependent on his, because living together, he is confident that you will save both of you at the last minute.

How could you pull this trick:

Declare somewhat casually that you are not to be automatically in charge of covering up what he leaves undone or forgets and that he needs to ask you for the favor of doing something in his own “to do list.” If there is no request from his side, inform him you will let the issue expire, drop or be disconnected.

Try to pick one issue not so fundamental to your own well being as the electricity supply. If this bill lapses because he didn’t remember to pay it, better you have your own flashlight hidden somewhere in the house.

Once you have selected your issue target, do nothing. Don’t remind him; don’t warn him; keep complete silence and see what happens.

Wait to mention the issue so he is the one first to recognize that something is not working. Wait to be asked if you did pay the bill, etc. then, look at him and say “That was in your list, and as we both are grown up people, we both need to take care of what needs to be done.”

Don’t offer to solve the problem; be prepared to live without, up until the moment he decides to go ahead and solve it. It can be difficult, but remember that you are making a point here.

Probably, the most difficult part of this strategy will be stopping yourself from helping, solving or taking care of things…This is a good thing to learn, so stay put, breathe deeply and remember to have fun and enjoy your own life.

PD. we have two more great strategies to teach you….keep reading. If you have a good friend in need of learning them, could you send this message to them? Thanks!

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why secrecy is part of passive aggression?

June 3, 2010 By

One of the poster wrote this suggestion in our site:
“How do you deal with a husband that keeps a secret journal and never tells me he is unhappy about anything?” This reader is hitting at the heart of the passive aggression problem.

We need to remember first that this kind of behavior
a) is not caused by or originated with the present marriage;
b) has deep roots in his childhood and family of origin
c) is connected with some kind of long forgotten trauma, still active inside him.

This short description is necessary because there can be so many misconceptions obscuring the understanding of his present behavior. She is not guilty of his present passive aggression, because he has been functioning in this way to protect himself from life’s hazards and tribulations for a very long time.

So, why the need for secrecy? If the original trauma and all the feelings included has to do with his parents, or a parent substitute as uncles, godfathers, or ministers, it could never be opened up. The victim, in this case your husband, had to keep everything inside as a way of colluding with his parents who decided that the situation was normal enough not to merit a comment or a defensive reaction. If the child was abused, emotionally oppressed or humiliated in some way, this was never talked about, because the loyalty to parental figures was stronger. Then and there, secrecy was the main line of defense: don’t say a word about what hurts you. Tragically, this “defense” ends up exterminating all humanity in relationships, because then the humiliated child has nobody to defend his integrity, and every one of the adults is a accomplice of the hurt.

The last thing a PA person will do is to complain about his own past or present unhappiness. He is still a five years old child inside, convinced that there is no justice in this world, that talking will get him punished and still will get no justice, and that opening up could end up in more ridicule, punishment or humiliation. No, he can’t say a word….which doesn’t mean that he is not hurt, resentful and dreaming of revenge!

This secrecy pact is what makes it so difficult to live with him…produces the impression that he is still more loyal to the people that then and there damaged him, than to his present situation and loving companion. Secrecy will make also impossible to provide him with the satisfaction and nurturing his own needs demand, and will generate resentment on both sides: on her side because she is willing to give love that he finds impossible to accept and from his side because whatever he can receive is not answering his deep needs for love and security coming from his past starvation.

Secrecy also gives him the illusion of conserving his own power; if nobody knows what hurts him, he can deny that some hurt exists in his heart forever. “Me keeping a grudge against my parents? Why would I do such a thing?”

Denial is a wall that blocks connection in marriage. It signals a whole part of his soul is not included in the marriage bargain. Allows withdrawal and isolation, and predicts more isolation, but the illusion of power and control.

So, what can you do? First, accept that this is his reality; no amount of coaching or preaching will make him leave this cave when he feels the need to be protected there. Perhaps allowing him to keep his secrets, giving him permission to withdraw in his cave and sulk there, is the only way of giving him what he needs. And feeling that he has not to fight for his right to some privacy, so he can feel secure enough of being respected as he is, could invite him to leave his cave more often.

SIGH? nobody said that this kind of marriage was going to be easy, right? What about your karma could be now putting you in this pickle?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

February 17, 2010 By

In a very kind letter, Rosy said:

“In my own way to learn detachment, there were several moments I do remember as very important for me:

The first thing I decided to do: I completely stopped opening a conversation with him about the future of our relationship.
Then, I completely stopped touching him or getting near him in a loving way…and watched his reaction”

You probably are surprised, and asking: is this what I need to do?

YES, to reconnect with your own feelings, you need to detach. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him any more; it means you are opening your own space to get to know who are you and what do you feel…

If you perceive that he is ready to look like he will open up a conversation, (because you are strangely silent) saying something like “what do you think we could do…” just wait a bit more:

—Go and do the dishes, play with the cat, go to the bathroom, do something else, but do not accept his invitation to take over the conversation about “where do we go from here..”

—Focus your attention on watering the plants, feed the dog, take out the trash, but don’t engage.

—Instead, take the time to sit down, and explore your feelings…how do you feel? Angry? Exhausted? Hopeless? Own any feelings appearing inside you: there is only one way to recover yourself and is through owning your emotions.

—Cry, yell if you need to, but don’t let him see you, or communicate any of these feelings to him.

Stay in this contained situation until you feel that you own your feelings, and that you can manage them. You are not at his mercy, but you can control yourself.

This kind of detachment separates your own feelings from whatever he tries to make you feel; ends confusion and makes you the owner of your own power. Is a temporary emotional separation that allows you to recover the person you are and center in yourself. Without this centering, any “talk” with him will confuse you again, and make again feel that you are lost….Just take control of yourself, and center!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: assertiveness, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is it anger or desperation?

August 27, 2009 By

The divide between emotional and rational styles to manage disputes are the main hidden factors of our conflicts. The lenses (emotional or rational) we apply to manage a confrontation with our loved one is usually a main contributor to the communication gap we produce and suffer.

Here is an online conversation between a poster in a forum and the response:

“Whenever my wife and I have a “big” or “serious” argument, which is quite rare for us, she tends to be more emotional and therefore aggressive. She is hurt and/or feels an injustice has taken place, which leads to her anger. Her anger leads to her emotionally charged words directed at me.

Her goal is to make me feel the pain or frustration that she feels (to a lesser degree, an equal degree, or a greater degree). She is aggressive in her attempt to achieve this. I, on the other hand, am more of a “thinker” than a “feeler”. I tend to be more reserved and calm in my approach.

If I let her angry words produce anger in me, and I respond to her with anger, I get engaged in a fight and this is not what I want. I blame her for inciting me to fight, it really upsets me that she has the power to move me to use strong words!”

Dear Husband:

Many thanks for this deep and sincere post. I’m awed by the courage you show to get to the bottom of the situation, and to accept responsibility for your own actions. Many thanks for such a refreshing posting.

I was married to a very good man, a caucasian ex-mormon, very quiet and very PA. Your phrase: “she tends to be more emotional and therefore aggressive” was a shock for me…when I thought I was being expressive and showing him my emotions, perhaps he saw me as “aggressive!” Now I can understand the basic deviation of the lenses we used to see each other…

If this is the way you view her emotional attitude, then it’s clear for me that the need you had of “defend yourself ” was not helping.

I thought I was showing him my growing desperation… at the walls of his silence, I would escalate with my emotional state, and then, seeing the depth of my anguish, he would show his compassion. I was looking for his compassion, not for a show of how much he could close himself as self defense.

But, he would just leave the room. No words, no conclusion, no closure or decision; just silence….It was very lonely there.

You say:   “Her goal is to make me feel the pain or frustration that she feels (to a lesser degree, an equal degree, or a greater degree). She is aggressive in her attempt to achieve this.”

In my experience, it’s not a tit for tat….is her growing desperation at the communication gap that is producing the rift:

  • I get more emotional,
  • you get more calm and logical,
  • it makes me more anxious to be understood,
  • then you retreat into stony silence…

What other channels have you left her? What other ways are there to express her anguish, her loneliness and the pervasive wish to be understood, deeply understood by the most important person in her world?

The “serious argument” is but the tip of the iceberg, underneath is the anxiety for connecting. If a man sees this aspect, he is now on target. Real emotional strenght from a husband has nothing to do with passive aggressive “calm” and “restraint”

Perhaps wives have the need to receive a very real, caring and loving response from the husband that says:

“I’m here. I’m not scared by your emotional escalation, I see it as a signal of your deep need to connect with me. I will not leave you, or counter attack you; I’m here to listen, to understand, to console, to love you as you are…by the way, when you are so upset, you look so beautiful to my eyes!”

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more!
Filed Under: assertiveness, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Silent Partner is an Angry Partner

August 17, 2009 By

When there is something that irritates your partner, you don’t get any inkling of his/her disgust. What you possible get is more silence than before. Have you noticed this response?

Here we will learn how to interpret more silence as anger, repressed anger from a partner.

There is no reason someone would fell suddenly silent, if she is not trying either to control a reaction or to show something that can’t be conveyed in words. Here we have non-verbal behavior, and this behavior has a message: “I’m very angry at you, or at the situation, or at something”

You’d better pay attention now, because your loved one is swallowing his/her feelings, ignoring and denying that there is a conflict to be resolved, but with anger festering inside.

The result is that, with broken communication between both of you, there is a growing withdrawing of cooperation from shared daily life.

Without knowing the reason why, you can see yourself excluded from some projects or find that there is no follow-through to previous projects, and no explanation is given…

This is the time to ask yourself: could it be that my partner is angry as hell, and can’t show it?

Scary as it can be, it’s true that some angry reaction is brewing inside, and you are left with the task to bring it up to a level where it can be confronted and resolved.

NOTHING will happen, but more hidden anger, if you don’t step up to the plate and do something. Whatever you plan to do, is better than ignoring the silent partner, because silence is a communication that you can’t ignore.

The first task is not to feel invalidated or criticized by the silence; perhaps you can maintain your self-esteem thinking of the situation as produced by his/her non-existent skills at fair fighting in a marriage. It’s not your fault, OK?

Refuse to match the denial and begin your talk about “our present concern” in terms of a shared responsibility.
Offer a supportive mood: “we’ll talk about it as soon as you feel ready”
Keep being clear about the issue: “we both need to have a shared decision on this issue, because it’s important to both of us.”

And clarify your expectations: if this person has a way to discuss things with you, and this is a momentary situation, be encouraged and keep supporting. If he has not the disposition or habit to discuss things with you, and focus only on his hurt feelings, you can have a steeper battle in front of you.

Marriage is a shared endeavor, and we need talk to share opinions, ask questions, and decide issues. As much as your silent partner bails out from this task, and leaves you alone deciding things for the two of them, you don’t have a husband but a dependent child. It’s now the time for you to make that distinction?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , ,
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