Passive Aggressive Husband » silence

Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic?

Neil Warner — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:37:23 +0000

In a recent article posted on AOL, Dr. Epstein (a Ph.D. based out of San Diego) revealed that 10 to 20% of American marriages are “sexless.” That is, sex happens once a month or less.

Our neighbor in the blogosphere, PA Don’t Stand for “Palo Alto” has an interesting spin on this article that should give you something to think about - does this mean that 40 million Americans are in passive aggressive marriages?

“… I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.”

How do you feel about this? It’s definitely true that withholding sex as punishment is a passive aggressive trait that many partners suffer through. But do they reveal it? Dr. Epstein makes a good point in saying that many more marriages are probably “sexless,” but people don’t reveal it out of embarrassment. If in their marriage, their partner withholds sex as punishment, certainly there could be many people who participated in this study, but didn’t come forward! Passive aggressive punishment is very crafty, in inducing shame and making the victim feel like they “deserve” it!

If your partner is using this device against you, don’t suffer in silence or continue to blame yourself! Withholding sex is not about your inability to perform for your partner – it’s about their need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to suffer alone in an unhealthy relationship for one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.You can begin with our passive aggressive system created just for men, at Stop Your Passive Aggression, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message

Neil Warner — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 16:28:38 +0000

When a confrontation about your husband’s behavior doesn’t go as planned, and the wrong words spoil the purpose of confronting him, the consequences can be painful. Have you experienced this? What do you think went wrong?

If you’re unsure (or you know that both of your emotions got in the way of seeing the real situation), a new book we came across might have the answer for you! It’s called Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash, by Nancy Dreyfus.

At Psychology Today, Susan Harrow wrote an article explaining this new book. Here’s a snippet:

“According to communication pioneer Professor Albert Mehrabian,”7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is sent in the words that are spoken; 38% of feelings and attitudes contained in messages is expressed in the way that the words are said, and 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the facial expression.”

… What complicates the matter is that when the person who receives an apology isn’t buying it, or feels like it’s just being said to shut them up, the apology itself can ignite a cycle where the person sincerely apologizing feels hopeless. When his apology isn’t accepted, it refuels his anger.

This is one of the reasons Dreyfus created her written flash cards which can help couples who are fighting or at an impasse calm down and get through to each other in less than a minute and turn a mean interaction into a loving one. The flash cards are a series of warm and calming self-aware messages that can be held up in the midst of an argument. For example it may be scary to say, “I’m afraid if I say I’m sorry, you’ll make everything all my fault.” But holding up the card can neutralize the difficulty.”

A very interesting idea, right? Upon reading this, we immediately thought about the difficulty many couples have when talking about passive aggression in the marriage. We’ve heard it so many times – “I got too angry and ending up yelling at him,” or, “He took everything the wrong way, because of course he sees it as me attacking him when I say the truth!”

Using flash cards in this way (whether you buy the book, or make your own customized ones) is something we’ve talked about in our system for men, “Stop Your Passive Aggression and Save Your Marriage.” It really does help to neutralize the emotions that come up in a tough conversation, so that the first hard confessions can be said without misinterpretation.

For the passive aggressive man, it can be especially helpful because it offers him a way to distance himself a little from the pain of certain admissions, such as #47 from Nancy Dreyfus: “I was just reacting to you as if you were my mother, and I know that you are not.”

How is the communication going in your passive aggressive marriage? Are you ready for a change? You have many options on your side!

Nancy Dreyfus’ book, available on Amazon
A one-on-one consulation with our Conflict Coach – first time is free!
Our system just for men, called “Stop Your Passive Aggression and Save Your Marriage.”
Whatever you do, get started with something new now!

: Neil Warner

Make Sure Your Passive Aggressive Husband Gets the Message is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Is silent treatment making you feel isolated and lost in Valentine’s Day? Here is our love!

Neil Warner — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 21:20:51 +0000

We have been busy lately with a question that a client sent to us. She was looking at her situation, and noticing that she had a domestic situation where her husband would not attack her directly, but disappear in a cloud of silence for weeks at the time. Coming and going, she would bump on him, sharing the same house, but he would avert his eyes and go about his tasks as if he was all alone in the house.

Can you see how she was getting more and more confused and alienated? Who was this foreigner in her own house, not saying a word, not even looking at her? what was the proper etiquette with him? should she demand an answer, or force him to answer? that seemed the wrong behavior, because he was signaling that he didn’t want to engage with her. However, what to do with the hundreds of petty everyday decisions that needed his input? And, if she would force herself on him to get an answer, how to process his angry eyes, telling her that she was trespassing on him?

A person doing the cold shoulder as a means of communicating disgust or anger, is sending a truncated message…his anger can come through, but the object of this anger is not clear. What should the other spouse do? imagine what kind of transgression he/she has done to have the spouse so high in his contempt? it seems a lost battle, because there can be a lot of different reasons for the isolation.

What is real, and hurting as much as a physical pain, is the isolation inflicted. His silent treatment, full of contempt is really a permanent rejection, a hurt that doesn’t diminish with each day of continuous isolation ….It negates whatever is expected from such an intimate relationship as a marriage.

Are you also “married alone”? Do you recognize yourself in this picture? As a way of comforting you in this Valentine day, when you should be feeling supported and loved instead of suffering the silent treatment, we offer you a free book, “5 Ways to Fight the Silent Treatment.”

Feel free to share it with your friends…meanwhile, keep up your search for positive ways of love and support….and learn how to stop silent treatments in your life.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Is silent treatment making you feel isolated and lost in Valentine’s Day? Here is our love! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

The Passive Aggressive Dance

Neil Warner — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:20:03 +0000

WE ARE STUCK IN THIS DANCE:

HERS

HIS

I feel let down, isolated, and lonely.

If I confront you to get you to see what
is hurting me
and come back to me..

It Just Drives You Away,
You became defensive and justify yourself.

If I despair, you retreat even more
Then I get more upset,
desperate, and lonely…

And I Lose My Faith in You
And In Our Marriage.

Looking at you being down gets me
scared but you don’t keep silent,
you tell me and your tale of hurt scares
me even more…

Did I Do That To You?
Really?

Is better to see you angry with me
than hurt I want to escape anyhow, or
to show you how wrong you are,
why don’t you see how I care?

If I explain my reasons, it drives you mad…
What can I offer you, but my logical reasons?

I’m Terrified By
The Fear of Losing You!

What are we doing? We are repeating a performance where we hide our sore spots from each other:

You hurting and lonely, and me feeling like a kind of idiot…

I need, says her, to be able to ask for company and don’t feel rejected or ridiculed.

I need, says him, to be able to use my usual responses in a way that you don’t label them as negative, so I feel accepted and can replace them with better others.

He could say: “I know I have neglected you, worried about work issues. When I hear that you are sad and angry, I don’t know what to do and escape… and I have to deny my needs of being near you. If you give me a chance and stop evaluating my behavior, I can get together and appreciate your needs better.”

She could say: “I now know that when I panic and imagine that I’m left alone, is because it hurts so much remembering that my family left me alone too many times… If I give you a chance, and don’t compare you with them, probably then you can get near me without conflict? Because I really need your attention!”

What are they doing? The exchanges you see above demonstrate what we call the basic passive aggressive dance. Each person “dances” around in a passive aggressive way because neither really knows how to get what they want from the other. (Of course, without asking for it: this is the passive aggressive piece of the behavior)

What is needed is a different kind of conversation, where we can invite the parties to acknowledge their basic needs…. She has to say how lonely she is, he has to say how terrified he is of losing her, and how impotent both are of fulfilling simple needs, because they are so wrapped up in their own perception that they can’t see the other’s perspective.

The dance finishes when both sides can acknowledge the other side’s basic human needs…. and accept that the marriage deal is exactly that: I will take care of identifying and solving your needs… and you will do the same for me.

The Passive Aggressive Dance is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior!

Neil Warner — Fri, 27 May 2011 17:20:36 +0000

“Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior!”

is a post on Ezinearticles.com, a site where other of Nora’s articles are published.

If you are so kind to click here, you will find it on the site of Ezinearticles.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5957902

Or you can go here: http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Nora_Femenia

Thanks!

Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Passive Aggressive Behavior! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Changing passive aggression in your mind?

Neil Warner — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 18:36:15 +0000

Have you heard the phrase “fake it till you make it”? There can be some powerful truth in there…

Some of the latest scientific findings on the brain tells us that. brain’s power of imagination to “rehearse” optimal performance defines goal, and shapes our future.

It has been known for years that you can train your body for a competition and achieve optimal performance using visualization.

Can this technique be applied to your personal relational life? Possibly YES; but to your relationship, which involves another person? If we remember that no one can change another person, then it will not do any good. But you can change how others treat you by changing your own behavior, right?

Then you can use mental power to implant a new, healthier habit in your life, stop another one that now is obsolete, and replace old passive aggressive behaviors with new ones!

It is not enough to imagine how good your life will be, when changed…you need to load your mental imagery with the step-by-step description of the new behavior. Let’s say that you want to stop withdrawing in silence when something in your spouse’s behavior upsets you. Usually your attitude is to turn your back around and sulk in silence for hours, or days.

Why would you like to change this behavior into another?

Well, if you are really in the brink of divorce, or having a heavy load of unhappiness in your marriage, what is there to fear? Having the skills of confronting his/her and getting to a solution for the dispute will only bring peace and satisfaction to both!

If this sounds as something doable to you, here are a few suggestions to get started.

Set aside at least 5 minutes once each day to visualize, in a relaxed state, your desired behavior in detail, as if it already exists.
When limiting thoughts and negative emotions surface at any time, breathe into them and let them go — and smile confidently.
As you “watch,” envision the vibrant colors, hear the sounds, feel the emotions and sensations in your body, even smell and taste.
This is your “mind movie” and you get to live it in these moments as if you are there, completely and fully present in body and mind and emotion.
You see yourself looking at your spouse, asking for some time to talk, asking questions, proposing a solution, getting the problem solved, and feeling the overall relief.
The key is to make sure this elicits pleasurable feelings of joy, happiness—gratitude—inside you as you do. Smile. Feel grateful for being in this marriage and able to talk calmly with this person.

Think of this time as a fun and delightful retreat, a transformational exercise you look forward to jumping into to rehearse the life and relationships that you are consciously taking action to create in your life – speedily coming your way.

When you feel pleasure “rehearsing” your future in the present moment, what you are doing is telling your subconscious mind—the part of the mind that runs the entire body—that this is the reality you desire. And life begins to follow this lead, because here is the pleasure of life!

Just believe it, feel it, and be open to prompts for what actions to take toward the goal of changing your former passive aggressive behaviors, small or big. A few moments each day will add power to your dream.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Changing passive aggression in your mind? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage!

Neil Warner — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:36:32 +0000

When you have a fight with your spouse, you can use different strategies to get your point across. You can yell, you can calmly explain your point of view, or if you are feeling misunderstood, offended or upset you can withdraw into stony silence.

If we look at long term impact of these different communication strategies, we can see that they have different consequences. We can yell and apologize later, which eases the situation into normal dialogue; we can yell and continue using names and aggressive four letter words on our spouse. Is it effective venting? you bet! is it conducive to marital happiness. NO… you come across as impulsive, aggressive without self-control and it makes the other person fearful of raising important issues and cower in his/her own hole. In the end, it destroys trust and communication is reduced to a minimum.

You can explain your point of view in a calm view. If the other side is upset, perhaps she can see you as cold and detached; and perhaps the crying can escalate up to the point where you show some feelings and console her. From here on, we are back into normal communication. You still have the satisfaction of being able to share your ideas in a way that is not threatening or insulting or damaging the relationship.

What happens when you withdraw from interchanges with your spouse? you are trying to send a message of being offended and/or hurt, and it can come across as such in the beginning. However, a long term withdrawal signals a complete emotional detachment and confirms that there is no life in the marital bond….there is a very high price to pay because it is known that high rates of divorce are attributed to one spouse’s withdrawal from daily communications.

Is there a gender difference in the use of this strategies?

Over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages.

They tend more and more to extend an olive branch and start any kind of verbal negotiation, only to keep the conversation going. In short, they usually learn that withdrawal doesn’t work.

Husbands tend to use this tactic in the same proportion through the years, and doing so send the message that they do not care about reconnecting verbally with their spouses, so deepening the chasm between them in a non-recoverable way.

What are they trying to protect with the silence? their privacy? their hurt self-esteem? Whatever the reason, this is a sure way to destroy any bridges of understanding and mutual support… it converts the marriage in a silent partnership which makes no one happy.

Would you like to have more information? Go to the scientific publication!

His Silence Can Hurt Your Marriage! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure!

Neil Warner — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 20:39:30 +0000

Everybody wants to have a happy Valentine’s Day with their loved one, and yet if you have marital problems, this seemingly simple aspiration seems to become a vast challenge, even a test. How could you have a good Valentine’s Day if your husband is often sulking and has a tendency to forget making plans or get you a present for this particular day? You might even be ready for disappointment thinking that he will forget the day!

You can still enjoy the day, and I don’t mean that you should go and get a massage for yourself and then have some lonely chocolate (although that would be a nice and well-deserved treat). You can use this opportunity to be the one romancing your husband, and giving him a pleasant surprise, for men often complain about how they are the ones supposed to do all the work around this occasion.

You can prepare his favorite meal or invite him to a restaurant. Make it a date and do not pressure him into being in charge. Tell him how nice and sharp he looks; remind him of the things you love about him and of one or two things he has done recently that you appreciate.

You should be honest and affectionate with your comments, so that he feels recognized and appreciated. For the sake of the holiday and of the reasons why you are doing this (because you love your husband, because you want to have a good day, etc.) avoid criticizing him. Keep in mind that if you criticize him, he’ll feel attacked and will be likely to start deflecting blame via clamming up… do not let this happen because then you could start to get upset and if your temper gets the best of you, then an argument will ensue and two things will happen: one, that your husband will have “further proof” that you easily lose control and that it is you who is abusive, and two, that you will end up with exactly the bad memory of a Valentine’s day that you were seeking to avoid.

Remember that passive-aggressive people are not the most willing to apologize for their mistakes, so avoid this conundrum.

It might seem like a lot to ask, but you could actually benefit from giving him a little something. Yes, a present. It does not have to be the newest, most expensive set of tools out in the market, but something simple and well thought-out. Here you are tapping into his desire to be recognized and the surprise value that it would have.

Now, here is the most challenging part of this proposal… after all the work that organizing a date can represent, and particularly if you have difficulties with managing confrontations… you should not expect anything in exchange for the date. Detach yourself from any expectation.

I can hear you groaning….Why this part of the recommendation is here? Don’t you deserve some appreciation also? Because in this way you are freeing him to be himself, not forced by a compulsory tit for tat behavior…So you are giving him a chance to relax and let his guard down, perhaps even talk to you more openly. Wouldn’t that be a better Valentine’s gift than a bunch of soon-to-wither flowers?

Having A Passive Aggressive Valentine? Go Figure! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

How to react to the silent treatment?

Neil Warner — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 15:29:43 +0000

Are you getting the cold shoulder from your partner, but you don’t know or understand why? Is he suddenly keeping your conversations at a minimum, giving you a little word here and there only to isolate himself? When this comes from your partner, from whom you expect a loving connection, this can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing.

This facet of passive aggressive behavior is difficult to deal with. When you’re sad, it can be tempting to say whatever you can think of until he talks to you again. When you’re hurt, you may just slam out of the room, leaving him to sulk in his own silence.

What is the best course of action, in either case? What will effectively show him the consequences of the silent treatment, without making you stoop to his level or act out of anger?

Our recommended tactic is this: assert yourself. Remember that his silent treatment is a choice, that he could have behaved differently and didn’t. You are not under any obligation to give him what he wants or give in to his “punishment.” His treatment does not prove or confirm anything about your value; it simply shows that he can’t handle conflict.

Because you are not responsible for his behavior in any way, you can make your own decisions about how to react. If he decides to be distant, show him that you can do the same. Detach yourself (gracefully) by having your own projects and friends, beyond his influence. Not only will this allow you to have an environment away from him, it will allow you to think clearly, have a new perspective, and feel stronger the next time he tries to manipulate you with silence.

When both of you have had your time alone, you will be better prepared to look at what happened and consider the impact his behavior is having on your relationship.

Neil Warner

How to react to the silent treatment? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

What are your dreams of a healthy, happy relationship?

Neil Warner — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:43:21 +0000

Reflecting on the conversations going on at AskNora, we can see the common pattern of suffering described by the writers. Each one has a story where her own hopes of a happy life were thwarted by passive aggressive behavior. They were left in what looked like a marriage, but was a well of frustration and loneliness instead.

Indeed, each house is a different world. In each couple there are behaviors done, and behaviors missing. And a lot of time waiting for happiness to come back, to be just in the center of this relationship….We know a lot of what makes you unhappy;
we know less of what is missing; what would you make happier.

If we look at the experience of “walking on eggshells,” we see that it is too common in the shared stories. If you had not to walk on eggshells, what would you like to experience instead of that behavior? What is the opposite experience that makes you feel secure and accepted?

If you identify with being in the receiving end of “Getting the cold shoulder?” what would you like instead, that offers you the opposite experience? how do you dream the feeling of having a partner that shares ideas and thinking and planning with you, and how does it make you feel?

We invite you here to share your thoughts. Please, look at the litany of passive aggressive behaviors our readers suffer and are describing in their postings at AskNora, check the ones that you recognize as part of your life….and feel free to describe what your soul wants instead. Nobody but you knows what is what would you feel right, loved and supported, so use your own words to describe what you want to have in your life now.

You can begin your comment by saying:

“Instead of this behavior (fill the blank here) what I really need/want/appreciate is this other behavior!” (describe your heart’s desire here)

Thanks for sharing!

What are your dreams of a healthy, happy relationship? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband