Passive Aggressive Husband » self-esteem

Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

Neil Warner — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:01:17 +0000

Confrontations don’t just magically stop happening!

To handle conflict correctly and learn from past mistakes, partners need a protocol to manage life’s inevitable confrontations and they need to know how to do relationship repair.

We don’t often think past getting into a relationship – but taking care of a relationship is just as important!

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Does Your Relationship Need Repair? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Planning to Repair your Relationships?

Neil Warner — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:38:31 +0000

This blog is a long term journey, thinking about how to promote happy, healthy relationships, that we walk through each day. And, -of course- there is crisis time! Yes, the holidays are approaching and we are confronted with the need to evaluate where we are now, and what do we want for the next year….

Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Planning to Repair your Relationships? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive?

Neil Warner — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:59:05 +0000

Quite often, we’ll have comments from clients wondering how they could have been so blind to their spouse’s passive aggression and the toxic feelings they create. Some wives admit that they went back to their husbands multiple times, acquiescing to what the husbands wanted, without really knowing why they took the risk of being hurt again.

What is it about a passive aggressive person that is attractive to us? Well, one reason is that we seek out relationships that are familiar to us. We may not seek out spouses that are carbon copies of our parents, but we will seek out people who mirror the behaviors we’re already used to seeing in our past. What this means is that you have chosen your passive aggressive spouse because your parent (or guardian) expressed similar behavior. If this is the case, you may be able to look back and see traces of passive aggression in other people you’ve dated, as well.

Beyond our past telling us who to pick, there are also certain needs that a passive aggressive person can fulfill for some people. Strange to think, right? However, for some people, the passive aggressive person’s wounds and issues help build one’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Can you see the danger in that? In devoting yourself to ignoring your problems, with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect? Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can talk to one of our Conflict Coaches today, and receive a free coaching session.

Neil Warner

Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage?

Neil Warner — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:12:24 +0000

When readers of this blog accept our standing invitation to have a free coaching session, they bring their own stories. Some of them are easier to hear and offer support to; others are heart wrenching.

Which stories are the saddest? The ones that present a woman past her fifties, who has spent most of her married life waiting for the husband to finally change and connect with her in a significant way. Only now are these women discovering certain basic ideas offered here:

Passive aggression is learned in childhood;
Is a defensive style focusing on how to keep other people away;
There is little they can do to change the man they are living with, he must change himself.

After learning these concepts, the perspective of getting old in an empty marriage sets in. It is a moment of truth, where they see their past as gone, their present as painful, and the prospect of their future as filled with the same loneliness.

What can we offer in that situation? What is there to be done? Detach and take care of yourself. This time, the lesson is even more urgent.

Because they have serious deficits, because living your whole life in emotional misery leaves you empty and sad, and angry, the first task is to detach completely of the relationship. Begin to see yourself as worthy of attention, come up with a list of your own unattended needs and do for yourself what you have been waiting him to do all these years. Only then will you be strong enough to work on saving the marriage (if that’s what you still really want).

Fortunately, once you look at your emotional needs, you can see that there are multiple ways of fulfilling the voids. We can begin to offer some ideas, which you can pick from to begin.

Strategies for Self-Care and Recovery:

Make a plan to recover your self-esteem:
Appreciate your resilience up until this time, celebrate yourself and your strength.
Visit and/or work with people and places where you feel appreciated and well received.
Respect your life routine and add extra pleasurable tasks.
Take care of yourself: eat well, do your exercise routine and sleep well.
Have a plan to restore calm and stay self-centered with meditation, yoga or t’ai chi.
Afford yourself meditative walks in nature (or extra time in the garden).
Accept all your feelings and find confidants to share them with.
Place around the house positive images to see when you are feeling lost or sad.
Avoid self-judgements about your “guilt.”
Approve yourself and your decisions every day.
Do something special for yourself every day.
Acknowledge your own accomplishments.
Connect with others using reflective listening.
Learn the meaning of your marital experience lessons, and move on.

For more tips about detachment and what it means, see our other posts:
Detach from Passive Aggression, Kindly!
How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

You can also contact one of our coaches for a free coaching session, where you’ll receive private, one on one advice about your personal situation and the struggles you’re having with detachment and positivity. Call us today!

Neil Warner

How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Passive Aggressive Attachment

Neil Warner — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 18:57:19 +0000

Passive aggressive behavior from a husband is not a reaction to the present wife or the present relationship; rather, it is a learned model of interpersonal attachment, wired in a person’s brain early in life.

It is a pattern learned from the interaction with the mother or caretaker, who taught him in his first year of life either that he should not depend on her (and thus you should not depend on him) or instilled in him a fear of rejection or ambiguous security (thus, he will not open up to you or doing anything to make himself look bad).

What are the three most common attachment styles?

Secure: Secure attachment is a healthy attachment. It is confidence and security in both the permanence of the relationship, and the honesty of the significant other. Secure attachment people tend to trust that their partners love them and find them attractive. This was learned from a secure mother, who was there for the child when it needed her, and provided love and attention on a continual (rather than spotty or random) basis.
Anxious: Anxious attachment deals with fear of rejection and relationship stability. An anxious attachment pattern in a mother is one where she alternately smothered and ignored the child, bouncing between thinking she didn’t love it enough and thinking she loved it too much. This undependable and erratic behavior translates to the adult relationship, making the terrain of any relationship unreliable and fickle for the child.
Avoidant: Avoidant attachment deals with a lack of desire to depend on others, as well as an abhorrence of opening up or being vulnerable. This is learned in childhood when a mother is avoidant – she will deny the child attention, avoiding giving him what he needs if he asks for it. A caregiver figure may not have been emotionally present at all. Often, avoidant partners will call their significant others “needy” and “overemotional.”

Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often appear together and reinforcing each other in a passive aggressive person. At his core, his inner child still worries about rejection from others, especially you as his wife (anxious attachment). To isolate himself from this inner child’s fear and resentment, the passive aggressive man uses avoidant attachment to prevent you (and perhaps himself) from seeing the scared, anxious child inside.

Often, what we learn is that your own attachment style can affect how your passive aggressive husband’s style manifests. Your own style can determine whether or not he reacts anxiously or avoidantly – for example, if you are anxious or insecure yourself, he may be more avoidant. If you are avoidant, he may be more anxious, his actions driven largely out of fear of/perceived rejection by you. If you have a secure attachment, and know what happens with him, perhaps living with you and acting as a secure, supportive spouse will help transform his primal attachment style into one more mature.

How are attachment patterns influencing the outcome of your passive aggressive marriage? If you have learned a little more about both of you by reading this post, but are unsure how you can apply that knowledge, we have many resources for you.

The best place to start would be a free consultation with our conflict coach. Coach Nora can guide you through the process by which you can learn to reach a compromise between your attachment styles, and even learn to rewire old patterns into new, secure ones!

: Neil Warner

We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation (by clicking here), with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Passive Aggressive Attachment is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial?

Neil Warner — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 14:30:42 +0000

Some of the hardest tasks in healing the passive aggressive man are dealing with his various ways of denying his own behavior.

What are the ways a passive aggressive may deny his toxic behavior?

There are four main kinds to discuss here:

• Denial of Facts
• Denial of Awareness
• Denial of Responsibility
• Denial of Impact

Denial of facts: many passive aggressive people will try to rearrange or fabricate past events to suit their present situation. They may (when the two of you recount it later on) change what was said in a fight last week, so that you are now the one who comes out looking bad this time. Sometimes, a denial of facts will mean you hear this go-to response: “I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that. That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Denial of awareness: this is the “poor me” or victim card. When confronted about their behavior, a passive aggressive may say, “Yes, I see that I did x, but it was because I care about you and want to make you happy… how come you aren’t happy with me buying a new TV for you?” In this way, he makes himself out to be the misunderstood victim, full of good intentions but with a demanding spouse like you.

Denial of responsibility: a passive aggressive person may deny he has any responsibility or obligation to watch what he says or does (much like a child). He refuses to believe seriously that there are grown up responsibilities of his role as husband and father…It’s exhausting for you to remind him over and over that he has 50% of responsibility for the marriage moral, emotional and financial upkeep. This is also part of the power games that passive aggressive people play; denial of responsibility involves maintaining a facade of power and control while doing the less he can, so he has time and resources for his playful interests.

Denial of impact: a little similar to denial of facts, a denial of impact occurs when the passive aggressive insists that his behavior is not really harming any one. In this type of denial, it is the wife, the children, and the friends who are wrong/controlling/demanding/over-reacting. He will say that the wife is the one who is going crazy, that her depression is from some other source, (surely organic, genetic, etc) and that perhaps she should be the one to see a therapist, not him.

Which leads us to one last point: even with these stages of denial revealed, what else is at work when a passive aggressive man denies having a serious problem and is in need of some deep changes in order to stay married? Why does he deny in the first place?

What we learn when we study passive aggressive behavior is that there is often a fear of shame involved when he thinks about admitting any kind of fault. As a child, the passive aggressive man would have been exposed to large doses of shame – either shame for his own mistakes, or seeing others shamed for theirs. The end result may have been public humiliation from peers, private abuse in the home, or other events that instilled in him a fear of making mistakes or looking “bad.”

Ultimately, it is this fear that leads the passive aggressive man to deny that he has done anything wrong. It is this fear that leads him to say, “I don’t need therapy, you do.” The best way for him to avoid admitting a mistake (and thus, feeling shame) is to not only take attention off himself, but direct it at someone else.

This is the passive aggressive’s tragic state of affairs – he is the person who most needs an affirmation of self-worth, but he is also the person who continually rids himself of the best chances of having help by persisting in behaviors so toxic as to risk losing the spouse’s love.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, by getting the ebook “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” .

Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Repair work in a marriage is easy!

Neil Warner — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 21:42:05 +0000

In some situations, when coaching is really the necessary tool to overcome being stuck in marital conflict, we can see that even passive aggressive husbands appreciate having an opportunity to play in a new, honest way.

Having the opportunity to learn new behaviors, -and the constant support of a conflict coach-, some husbands discover that abandoning passive aggression is the right thing to do, and share a sense of satisfaction with their change.

What is the exact moment when they discover that they can change? Perhaps after spending too much time in confrontational positions, something extra clicks….it is the “repair work talk” that gets the job done.

After reviewing the obstacles for accepting their equal share of responsibility for the maintenance of the marriage, the conversation gets to the fact that so many years spent fighting leaves people with little hope. The light comes when we talk about doing some relationship repair work…

What is that work? a silent commitment to do little things for the other; things that nobody is asking for, but make life sweeter…Someone is filling your gas tank when you forgot to do it, and it’s getting late; doing some household chores without being asked to; leaving small gifts around…They are easy behaviors because you are not forced to do anything; because it shows that you, (yes, you!) were looking around and thinking: how can I make this situation more pleasurable? how can I bring joy to this house?

No need to apologize, to accept defeat, to submit, but a quiet acceptance of the fact that you live there too, and that you accept that the happiness of this marriage is also your responsibility. Being generous not only confuses your “enemy” and throws the marital battle plan to the waste dump, it also allows a truce in the emotional battle so both can see each other in a new light.

: Neil Warner

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Avoid Teaching Passive Aggression to Your Child

Neil Warner — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 19:38:13 +0000

Have you always wondered where your husband learned to be passive aggressive? The truth is, these behaviors are learned very early, in the first moments of childhood.

Passive aggression is just that – aggression (or anger) that is passive (or hidden). The passive aggressive person learned to hide their anger from the very start, in a home where it was not safe to express such frustration. This home could have been unsafe for many reasons. There could have been drug or alcohol addicted parents, or parents whose gender roles were heavily enforced (for example, the wife was not allowed to express her frustration against the husband).

As the child (later passive aggressive) was taught to suppress and deny their feelings, they sought out ways of getting around that. They found other channels to express themselves, ways that were passively resistant. This is how sabotage (covert behavior, forgetting, ambiguity, chaos creation) and retaliation (overt punishment, eye for an eye, “justified” abandonment or abuse) are learned.

Children that grow up in this environment are never taught to find healthy ways of expressing anger. To the people who are in charge of these children, anger is not supposed to exist in the first place. Thus, the child continues to adulthood, still suppressing anger and venting it in vindictive ways.

So, what are the ways of healthily expressing anger? How do we teach our children to identify feelings and accept them as part of themselves? How do we show them that there is no need to run away?

The child needs to know they can say “I am angry.” They need to be taught the vocabulary for this.

When they do, appreciate their voicing it. “I’m glad you shared this with me.”

Ask them to stay in that feeling. “Why don’t we sit down and talk about why you’re angry?”

Why are they angry? What do they need that they don’t get? “I’m angry because they left me alone in the house.”

Validate those feelings, let the child know those feelings are theirs, they are human, they are OK. “Well, it’s normal to feel sad when you are alone.”

But now – follow that up with teaching the child that there is no need to become distraught. Instead of jumping to demand an immediate solution (“Don’t ever leave me alone again!”) the child needs to learn the value of owning their feelings, and finding ways of helping themselves feel better (“Playing with my toys makes me feel happy when I’m lonely”).

This manner of handling emotion is an extremely important part of human development. If we make others do things so we feel better (“if you never leave me alone, then I won’t feel sad”), we create this idea that feeling sad is bad and that we should do everything we can to block and prevent feeling exactly that…

Instead, as a healthy human being, the child should learn that emotions are healthy and valid, and that they just need to listen to themselves and take care of themselves when they are upset. Instead of demanding you stay (using other people making the feeling stop), they can learn what to do and what to say to themselves to reframe being lonely as a normal and not a catastrophic situation, helping themselves accept sad or angry feelings as normal and transitory stages. This is the most basic lesson in self-sufficiency.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Get emotional management skills from our conflict coaching sessions!

Avoid Teaching Passive Aggression to Your Child is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

Neil Warner — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 16:03:01 +0000

Sometimes, we need to share ideas with other people as to understand completely some conflictive issues…getting feedback helps us put issues in perspective. In this blog, we usually propose to you some texts that you can read and think about by yourself…

Now, this is a different take: you have here a dialogue with questions and answers about the main issues of PA Behaviors. Perhaps this way of interaction can help you get clarity, or start a discussion, or get you thinking about a new angle….

Whatever your response, you are always welcome to post here your reactions. We will follow through, of course, with more back and forth about how, why, and what of managing this very difficult challenge with loved ones who hide under passive aggression….Enjoy the answers, and thanks for keeping connected with this blog!

INTERVIEW WITH COACH NORA

Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage?

Neil Warner — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:56:04 +0000

This is a Christmas proposition….and you are very welcome here!

DO you remember the old stories in medieval times, when warring armies would stop the ongoing war and have a peace interval to honor Christmas?

The truce story is part of all narratives of combat: the moment when soldiers did stop attacking each other and then saw the enemy’s personal aspects…Soldiers would share a bit of goodies, show pictures of their loved ones to each other; sing a Christmas carol or two known by both sides…and for a moment experience what is really be at peace with each other.

What is the connection with your marriage to a passive aggressive person? A lot! We have been here examining the thousand ways you can identify what your marriage problem is; decide what strategies apply to change him, or how to evaluate the future of your marriage…all the way we have been supporting the war model of relationships!

Today, I want to propose you a very different approach: we are going to stop the war with your husband…and surprise him (always so well prepared to defend himself) with a total absence of negative comments.

Yes, that is what a truce entails: this week, you will abstain from saying anything negative to your husband, at all. No snarky comments about his passivity; no explanations about how his behavior is hurting you….nothing!

Do you hear me? Nothing, zero! This is your Xmas truce, remember?

And what are you going to do instead?

You are going to give him unconditional acceptance, that is.

STEPS TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND AN APPRECIATION TRUCE:

Make a list of ALL positive aspects you found in him when you met him;

Each day, find a way to give him unconditional praise. Oh, you don’t remember how to do it? Let me remind you of how it is done, OK?

This is the model: You find the positive aspect, and link that positive behavior, however small it is, with its positive impact on you.

You use sentences like: “I appreciate the way you take care of always having gas in the car, because it makes me feel secure driving”

The TRUCE will last from here to January 1^st, 2011. If you find yourself relapsing into criticism again, give him TWO appreciative phrases a day.

So now, you are asking yourself: what’s the point of this crazy idea?

My dear, we live in desperate times….and you can’t be unhappier with him than now. Why not to try a desperate solution? Treating him well will cause a relapse of his defenses, a new attitude on him and perhaps, you can turn your marriage around….Not bad for a simple attitude change, right?

A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Passive Aggressive Husband » self-esteem

Does Your Relationship Need Repair?

Related Posts:

Planning to Repair your Relationships?

Related Posts:

Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive?

Related Posts:

How to recover your life after a passive aggressive marriage?

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Passive Aggressive Attachment

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Is Your Passive Aggressive Husband in Denial?

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Repair work in a marriage is easy!

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Avoid Teaching Passive Aggression to Your Child

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Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

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A Xmas Truce in a Passive Aggressive Marriage?

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