In a passive aggressive relationship, underhanded and sneaky attacks are his preferred “weapons of mass destruction.”

You have been asking for a detailed plan to nullify your passive aggressive husband’s arsenal. Here it is: you will learn how to call the attack for what it is and then respond in a way that preserves you from being manipulated.

We have been offering our experience before, like Tips to manage PA Behaviors

Take our suggestions with a grain of salt:

we offer them as an extreme response for some of our women readers who really want to learn the most straightforward way of managing his passive aggression, experienced as a direct attack against them and their marriage.

Here’s a step by step process for counter-acting a passive aggressive attack.

Stop Listening and Start Looking

This step is based on the idea that, in a passive aggressive marriage, many interactions are foggy and vague (purposefully). Thus, the most important thing to remember here is that you must separate words and deeds, and look only at the facts. Regardless of what your partner says about “forgetting” and other promises, start asking yourself is there is:

• Discrepancy between promises and delivery, causing delays;
• Non-acceptance of responsibility;
• “Good” words abounding, but no deeds.

These can be signs of passive aggressive punishment, provided they are consistent and often centered around one particular type of activity. Here’s a good example: if Robert generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one “miss” may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often only sabotages Tina’s attendance to a particular event (her therapy sessions or her female friends’ group monthly dinner) while denying he is intending to do so, an attack pattern is emerging.

Start “Operation Consequence” if there is no match between words and results:

In order to nip his passive aggressive attack in the bud, you must show that you are going to handle it in an adult way, not with the child-like temper tantrum that he wants to see you degenerate into.

Your task is then to:

• Suspect sabotage and resistance;
• Suspend expectations;
• Terminate cooperation.

Learn his hidden anger indicators:

You can halt future attacks in their tracks by learning his patterns and indicators. People are creatures of habit, and passive aggressive husbands are no different. Here are some examples of indicators that he is hiding his anger and is trying to attack/punish you:

• Vengeful “accidental” actions, such as ruining belongings, deleting files, burning food, etc.;

• Withdrawal of emotional response, such as refusing to share your joy over an accomplishment;

• Detaching from family connections, such as deliberately ignoring family members you love.

Confront efficiently:

• Collect proofs by having another person around or taking notes;
• Prove connection between actions and damages by showing how one leads to another;

Control Your Desire to Attack Back

• Do not respond emotionally, as in throwing a tantrum (discussed above);

• Remember that outraged reactions to passive-aggressive behavior emotionally reward the passive-aggressive husband.

Practice Self-Discipline

We say not to throw a tantrum at your husband, but anger and frustration is of course normal, and must be dealt with in a healthy way. So, you need to:

• Work on yourself, to sort out any deep animosity you may have towards this person;
• Examine the relationship and find moments in which you gave control, responsibility or power to this person;
• Link the power given to him with the results obtained, and ask yourself: “Am I being shortchanged here”?
• Pay attention to your first reaction, the emotional one, because this is probably the most truthful. You are allowed to feel resentful, frustrated or angry at his skillful defection; it’s a natural reaction. And it is the tantrum version of this reaction that your husband is setting you up to have. You can take back control by handling that anger in an adult way.

• Now, you want to confront this person in the most productive way, diverging from showing this person how much he can hurt you. The “emotional outburst” type of confrontation will not serve your purpose. If you allow yourself to show your disappointment, then he has fulfilled his mission!

Decide what you want to accomplish:

Your counter-action rides on knowing what you’re trying to accomplish by recognizing and handling his passive aggressive attack. Ask yourself, what is your real goal upon seeing him attack you? What goal will help you live a better life and not be brought down to his level? It is to…

• Let your husband know of your frustration?
• Have a cathartic show of your own hurt?
• Get him to finally deliver?

All of these are worthy aims, but remember that the first two are dangerously close to the tantrum throwing result that he wants to see. Finally, what you want is to get him to deliver, right?

Is time then to do some Fair Fighting, in a calm, rational but direct way. Remember that the best way is to detach emotionally from any result, and see if he can recognize his involvement in this marriage and moves towards cooperating with you in making it happen.

How to Deal With a Passive Aggressive Husband? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

We have a great article on this issue, (Yes: the “Five Questions…”  with Their Answers, too!)

Do you want to read it?

5 Questions to Ponder Before Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband

And of course, you can leave your comments, critiques and questions here!

Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Passive aggressive marriages are notorious happiness-drainers, because your energy and satisfaction keep going low and lower… Divorcing a passive aggressive husband can be even worse! During your marriage, he made sure to trash your self-esteem and dignity, while ensuring that you took care of him and his needs, no questions asked. When you want to divorce him, he makes you look cruel in front of friends and family, tries to manipulate you into staying and thinking that you’re giving up “happiness.”

Getting through a passive aggressive divorce may seem impossible, but you can achieve it. However, what happens afterward? It might feel like the post-divorce period is where things really start to get hard. You may be plagued with grief and guilt, or doubt that you did the right thing. He may be hounding you financially or emotionally, and your self-esteem will be in the gutter.

What can you do to recover after divorcing a passive aggressive husband? We’ve compiled some great tips to help you regain self-esteem after divorcing a passive aggressive man.

Plan To Reinvent Yourself

You must start by reinventing your concept of who you are and what you want from life. It’s important that you think about how to think of yourself as a VALID individual, worthy on her own and not only as part of a couple. What is your plan to reinvent yourself – do you need to completely rediscover yourself by going on a trip? School? A new city? Dance lessons? Think of the craziest thing you could do, something that makes your heart beat to try. Go do it!

What Were Your Life Purposes As A Child?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What did you love the most, what were your hobbies?

Reinventing yourself into someone happy and connected rides on finding what you really love and value, and going back to your childhood could be a great place to start.

Look at your childhood pictures and connect with who you were, identify your childhood dreams and start from there. What excited you, made you happy?

Now make a list of the things you love (don’t censor yourself telling that it is impossible; list everything you love!).

You can then make several loved things coalesce into a new “discovering my new life” project. Here’s an example: If you love cats and animals, taking care of living things, gardening, child care, then you should pursue a life direction that focuses on creating and protecting living things. Don’t held yourself back by saying, “I have to find a real job.” You’ve wasted too many years on being “reasonable” and “realistic.” Seize the day!

Now that you know what you are good at, make a list of all things (jobs or otherwise), possible and impossible, that you would do to use those skills. Brainstorming can take different directions – you could design your own job, volunteer at different agencies that interest you, chat with friends and family, or just travel a bit. Give yourself a goal and plan once you find your most exciting life prospect, and don’t forget to write down the steps for tomorrow and beyond.

All the way keep telling Yourself:

• I KNOW I CAN
• I KNOW I’M WORTHY
• I KNOW I’M LOVABLE

Leave this plan/list in a place where you will not see it for two days… stop thinking consciously about it, because your unconscious soul is already working on it!

Finding Love After Divorcing A
Passive Aggressive Man

Discover what you want in a man by making a list like you just did for life prospects.

What excites you about a man? What are you looking for?

Think long and hard about what you husband didn’t give you, what you were hoping for all those years.
Don’t fixate on all the things he “could” have been – think about all the things you’re going to pursue in your future and find for yourself. You could make a visual list, with pictures that have something to do with your idea of “love,” or cut words from print and make a verbal collage that speaks, “This is what I’m looking for.” You can also explore what used to be important to you, but now isn’t as important as others (perhaps you value adventure more, or perhaps you value being good with children).

Put the collage in a drawer, and two days later edit, correct and end the official “ideal match.” Put that list in a visible site, and allow your subconscious mind to take over.
You will begin to look at your new relations from this point of view; from a stronger self-esteem and new view of yourself.

Is your journey of reinvention endangered by low self-esteem, guilt, or threats from your ex-husband?

Do you need a coach who can motivate you to grab the reigns of your own life? Register with us here at Passive Aggressive Husband to receive information about passive aggression, being independent, and leading a happy, healthy life. Talk to our coach, Dr. Nora, to get personal feedback on your situation and in-depth relationship coaching on how to recover after divorcing your passive aggressive husband.

Recovering After Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Husband is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

For many women, living with a passive aggressive man and his constant negativity can be a huge struggle. But for those who feel they need to stay in the marriage anyway (reasons can vary, person to person), living with a negative husband doesn’t have to be impossible.

The most important aspect to be aware of when staying with a passive aggressive husband is how his behavior impacts you – how you see yourself and your future, and how in control you are of your own life. Passive aggressive husbands thrive on taking those things away from you! That is what makes this relationship a toxic marriage.

There are certain needs a passive aggressive husband can fulfill for you, and living well despite his negativity relies on you finding out what these needs are. For some people, the passive aggressive husband’s wounds and issues help build the wife’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Please, watch out: can you see the danger in that? devoting yourself to ignoring your own needs under the cover of caring for his needs with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect. You will feel progressively emptier…

Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Staying in the relationship or leaving it – both require meeting your own problems head on. Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Do you need help refocusing and learning how to heal your own needs and wounds? You can find our book, “Living With a Passive Aggressive Husband,” at Passive Aggressive Husband.

Now, what are some things you can do to improve the atmosphere in your marriage? What are the little things that count when trying to seek happiness between the two of you? Here are some ideas for what you can do.

Remember why you’re still here: In a PA relationship, it can be extremely hard to remember why you’re sticking it out and staying with your husband. You need to remind yourself of his good qualities (the things he does right rather than the things he does wrong). Try this: every day, write down two or three things that he’s done lately that you appreciate, or qualities you love about him, or memories that make you happy. It can help boost your perception of him and bring positive energy back into your interactions. Even better is if you can gather the nerve to appreciate those aspects verbally to him.

Show him you still care: Valentine’s Day isn’t the only day that we need to show our spouses some love. Reading our blog has hopefully taught you about the wounds and fears underlying your husband’s use of PA behaviors. Sometimes, what works best to counteract his behavior is to simply show him that he doesn’t need to fear your rejection. You can write him little notes by the coffee maker, or greet him warmly at the door, or even play with him and tickle him like you do with the kids. These are the kinds of things that make you feel refreshed and positive (you’re focusing on loving him instead of fighting him) while also soothing the voice inside him that’s asking, “Does she still want me?”

Ask for feedback: This one might be hard for you, and you may want to practice doing the others first. But it can be extremely beneficial for both of you, as a sort of icebreaker, to simply ask your husband how he feels about your treatment of him. Ask him, “How do you know that I love you?” or “Did I make you feel that I didn’t love you when I said that?” These questions may sound like something you’d ask your child when he or she is upset, but guess what? It works the same way. It helps both of you to understand each other’s communication and perceptions better, while the simple questions offer a less confrontational outlet for your husband’s true feelings.

When feeling overwhelmed, detach: There might be moments when you really don’t know what else to do to tolerate this coexistence. If you still are convinced that staying married is necessary for you, then learn to detach. Make a list of your own interests: would you like to play bridge? Have a walking buddy? Going shopping to the mall? Going to educational classes at your community center? Have a set of friends for different purposes, which are not necessarily friends of the couple. Just GO, and forget if he is with you or left behind… Give yourself permission to receive pleasure and nurturing from friends, activities and learning wherever you can find them.

Compensate each negative comment with a positive thought: When he is constantly saying negative things, train your brain to think in the reverse position. Keep saying to yourself: “that’s true, but also can be true the opposite…so I can choose which one I believe.” So you keep a positive vision of your own future, which is exactly the point here.

How to Keep a Negative Husband Away is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

But in life, the main challenge is that we are responsible for making our own happiness in spite of those things or even because of them.

If you have associated happiness with “the way my childhood was,” then probably you would be busy taking the trouble of recreating your childhood, regardless of whether it actually made you happy or unhappy. I know many women still fixate in finding their father’s double in every man they can find… and afterwords, they keep complaining about the unhappiness that such a relationship brought to them.

If you know that being cared for and respected by your partner is an important part of your happiness, be sure that you respect and care for yourself and your own projects first. Whatever makes you happy has to be cared for and included in your life plan, either single or married.

No matter what, what is important for you has to be important for any partner you select: don’t accept a long-term relationship where your spouse rejects or ignores an important dream of yours. It is the equivalent to rejecting a piece of you, so don’t agree on dumping this hobby or that craft only because he tells you it’s worthless.

Take stock of what you are looking for to make yourself happy—my friend always falls for only a bit of the whole person she wants to be in a relationship with (“he is a good provider”), and then most of her real values are ignored. How far do you think she can go in the relationship before feeling unappreciated and not valued?

Whatever the kind of emotional abuse suffered, we need to remember a basic task of life: to accept and love oneself is still to be done. We are responsible for a life project that is uniquely ours, non transferable and demanding to be finished. Sometimes it is clear to see that some women tend to accept the pain of an abusive relationship as a screen that covers up the self-abandonment.

Only when we recover the path to self-development, do we get in touch again with this wonderful person inside waiting to grow up, be mature and independent. Only then are we able to enter only into relationships full of support and respect.

Then, perhaps we can understand that the emotional abuse suffered was the necessary call to wake us up, force us to reconsider which kind of relationships we need and deserve, and move on to make it happen.

Releasing the emotional abuse from its negative frame and using it as a valuable tool for self-development is a bright way of making a painful situation serve us, in any relationship either it be marriage or other. Do you need help reframing the negative treatment you’ve received in your life, and use it for your self-growth? See Dr. Nora, for a one-on-one phone talk about what will work for you in your own life.

Healing yourself from emotional abuse? Lessons learned here! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

In a previous post, we discussed the issue of passive aggressive husbands withholding sex in the marriage. It is a form of punishment that tries to keep you under his control. However, we can also understand it as his misinformed way of handling fears about rejection, worthlessness, and emasculation. The next question in your mind is certainly: “How do I fight back?” Let’s break down some steps.

The first step (and this one is NOT optional) is to understand that it is NOT ABOUT SEX. It is not about your performance, attractiveness, or ability. It is about your husband finding a way to control your needs and emotions – and more than other means of control, withholding sex hits us all below the belt, capitalizing on some of our deepest insecurities. Withholding sex is about your husband’s need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

If you do not address this situation in a healthy and critical way, your needs will increase, and so will your insecurities. You will continually look to him for approval, which is exactly what he needs to feed his depleted ego.

Mentally, you need to clarify the relationship dynamic to yourself. Ask yourself: who has control of the normal impulses of your body? Who gets to say what your body should feel and when? YOU. This step includes practicing whatever you need to in order to celebrate (not criticize) your own body and sexual identity. You can get massages, do yoga, work out at the gym, dance, buy clothes that flatter your body, achieve better health with food and vitamins, or anything else you need to do to feel alive, sensual and connected with your body.

Another issue, of course, burns at the center of many wives’ minds – do you take advantage of a chance to seek sex from someone else? This is really a personal decision that rides on how you see the marriage. If you’re dedicated to this marriage, the best thing you can do for your peace of mind is probably to focus on yourself and your relationship, and not involve other people in your emotional and sexual refocusing. However, if this idea is one that will not quit, perhaps you need to evaluate whether this marriage is one you’re willing to stay for anymore. Either way, we encourage you to heal your body and mind to the best of your ability before moving to the next steps of loving or leaving your husband.

If your partner is using this strategy against you, don’t suffer in silence or continue to blame yourself! He is shooting himself in the foot, because depriving himself of this vital activity is only suicidal. Isn’t it pathetic? Have pity of him, but keep yourself alive.

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Withholding Sex: How Do You Keep Yourself Alive? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Can you see how she was getting more and more confused and alienated? Who was this foreigner in her own house, not saying a word, not even looking at her? what was the proper etiquette with him? should she demand an answer, or force him to answer? that seemed the wrong behavior, because he was signaling that he didn’t want to engage with her. However, what to do with the hundreds of petty everyday decisions that needed his input? And, if she would force herself on him to get an answer, how to process his angry eyes, telling her that she was trespassing on him?

A person doing the cold shoulder as a means of communicating disgust or anger, is sending a truncated message…his anger can come through, but the object of this anger is not clear. What should the other spouse do? imagine what kind of transgression he/she has done to have the spouse so high in  his contempt? it seems a lost battle, because there can be a lot of different reasons for the isolation.

What is real, and hurting as much as a physical pain, is the isolation inflicted. His silent treatment, full of contempt is really a permanent rejection, a hurt that doesn’t diminish with each day of continuous isolation ….It negates whatever is expected from such an intimate relationship as a marriage.

Are you also “married alone”? Do you recognize yourself in this picture?  As a way of comforting you in this Valentine day, when you should be feeling supported and loved instead of suffering the silent treatment, we offer you a free book, “5 Ways to Fight the Silent Treatment.”

Feel free to share it with your friends…meanwhile, keep up your search for positive ways of love and support….and learn how to stop silent treatments in your life.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Is silent treatment making you feel isolated and lost in Valentine’s Day? Here is our love! is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Managing confrontations can be discovered in our previous book, How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage. Here, however, we want to discuss the basics of repairing a relationship and making it as healthy as it can be. This is especially important in a passive aggressive marriage – trying to keep the relationship alive and solid enough to move forward from requires being fully aware of how relationships should and must work.

To have a healthy relationship, basic human needs must be considered. You have to meet your spouse’s needs, and your spouse must meet yours. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need other humans! Of course, you must be familiar with and learn to recognize these basic needs, and then your “repair work” can be based on that need.

You can find out which of your spouse’s basic needs is being frustrated in the marriage by asking yourself what are the things he/she complains about you most frequently. Conversely, you can start to consider which of your needs are being frustrated by doing the same exercise.

For example: the need for recognition. You can identify this need if your spouse often says that you:

Don’t pay attention; (“You never listen to me”).
Don’t appreciate him/her; (“You don’t care about the things that are important to me”).
Don’t care about their dreams; (“You don’t even remember that I would love to ___”).

What would some basic repair ideas be?

First, you need to make it a task for yourself to respond to him/her in such a way that they feel listened to (“I hear you saying that you are tired of ___, where would you like to go instead?”).

Then, set out to address the unsatisfied need directly. To satisfy a need for recognition, find something each day to observe and appreciate. Ask, “Where do you see us in five years?” and “Is there something else that you would like to talk about?” You don’t need to draw out long explanations about whether or not the plans are feasible.

Just listen, and repeat back what the other person said in your own words, then ask for the other person’s confirmation: “Did I understand you well?”

Do you need more tips for repairing your relationship? Join us for free at “Relationship Repair,” where you’ll receive access to a 4 week plan for handling conflict and reconnecting with your spouse.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

Does Your Relationship Need Repair? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Are you coming short of your dreams? Still believing that with a bit of support and learning some good communication skills you would feel more gratified in your relationships?

We have been thinking along the same line here….

We wanted to challenge the “End of the Year Blues”, as we realized how many issues are still without improvement or resolution when it comes to our important relationships…

With this in mind, we are proud to announce that December will be

“National Relationships Repair Month”

This FREE program spans over 4 whole weeks for a good, meaty discussion and healing of the issues that form the base of our relationships, so hidden we usually do not take the time to reflect on them…

We provide here good reading materials for you to learn from, questions and answers and finally, a good plan to restore your relationships. Knowing that you read this blog frequently, we are sure you would be interested in this project.

Get a good look at our new offer, and hop on board! Here is the link, and remember that we are waiting for you!

Relationship Repair

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

Planning to Repair your Relationships? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

Quite often, we’ll have comments from clients wondering how they could have been so blind to their spouse’s passive aggression and the toxic feelings they create. Some wives admit that they went back to their husbands multiple times, acquiescing to what the husbands wanted, without really knowing why they took the risk of being hurt again.

What is it about a passive aggressive person that is attractive to us? Well, one reason is that we seek out relationships that are familiar to us. We may not seek out spouses that are carbon copies of our parents, but we will seek out people who mirror the behaviors we’re already used to seeing in our past. What this means is that you have chosen your passive aggressive spouse because your parent (or guardian) expressed similar behavior. If this is the case, you may be able to look back and see traces of passive aggression in other people you’ve dated, as well.

Beyond our past telling us who to pick, there are also certain needs that a passive aggressive person can fulfill for some people. Strange to think, right? However, for some people, the passive aggressive person’s wounds and issues help build one’s self-esteem, make them feel like they have power, or fill a need to care and nurse someone in need. Sometimes, putting all our attention on someone else’s problems can give us a break from dealing with our own. Can you see the danger in that? In devoting yourself to ignoring your problems, with only get worse as your spouse treats you with less and less respect? Suddenly, the shock many women feel when they break with their passive aggressive spouse makes sense – the personal issues that went unaddressed for years are now looming on the horizon, making it seem impossible to be independent and healthy anymore.

Making the decision to take care of yourself and reevaluate what YOU need can be the biggest thing you can do for yourself in a passive aggressive relationship. By focusing on taking care of yourself, healing your OWN wounds and moving forward, you can begin giving yourself the strength and confidence you need to work through your relationship, and perhaps be the role model your husband needs.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.We can begin by you having a complimentary consultation with Conflict Coach, with a plan for action to change your life with new skills included. Just click this link and get started now!

 

Why Passive Aggressive Men are so Attractive? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband