An overwhelming 92% of the responses expressed dreams consistent with the following wishes:

1. “I wish that he loved to hear what I had to say and that it was as important to him as it was to me. I would like to feel that all topics are open between us, and that if disagreements arose we could resolve them calmly, and head straight to the solution. If only he would stop ignoring or avoiding things by weaving a complicated, confusing web around the issue. When this happens, it creates one more conflict that will not be dealt with.”

2. “I have been married to a PA man for 46 years. Don’t gasp! After years of guilt, I finally found an explanation and came to terms with what I had been living with. I have learned to detach emotionally and physically and moved away from husband, which seems to have improved our relationship. Not many people realize how lonely it is being the wife of a PA husband, even though he’s such a “nice guy! My dreams of having a husband who loves, cherishes and protects me, never came about. I am realistic enough to love myself, and now I make the most of the positive things in my life. It is living one day at a time.”

3. I want to be freed from that feeling of, “What’s wrong with him now?” I want him to share with me what his needs, desires, and ideas are. He won’t (or can’t), and I can’t do it for him. Only he can.

4. In my heart and soul, I truly desire that we freely share all the possibilities of life, together. I know that I’m a wonderful person, but sometimes you need that encouragement, that validation, and that respect to come from your partner instead.

In what other ways would you know he is emotionally available?

· “I can be open, honest, and natural with my partner, and I know he will not think less of me if he knows who I really am.”

· “He acknowledges and listens attentively to my feelings and ideas.”

· “He lets me know that my feelings are just as important as his.”

· “I know I won’t be punished for bringing up certain things.”

· “I can be myself in my own home and can truly speak my mind, and so can he.”

· “There is such freedom of ideas between us that I feel like I am flying.”

· “We connect and care for each other on such a deep level that we can say what needs to said, and there is never any fear of retaliation, derision, or feeling foolish.”

I simply need to be myself.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need to be yourself, to accept and value yourself and do away with all the hidden negativity and criticism of the “walking on eggshells” behavior…how are you going to allow yourself to be the unique and valuable person you are? How are you going to detach from his critiques and appreciate who you are, first and only?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion.
You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today: Get your own copy of the passive aggressive husband ebook now! .

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Some 84 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with:

1. “I would like to feel that he is there to prevent injustice, not perpetuate it. It is a double standard, because he would never stand for any form of humiliation from me, and I would pay dearly for such a vicious act.”

2. “A long time ago, I criticized him in public, and he responded viciously in front of my friends. I could never forget that, but now he has a need to appear perfect and wants people to believe we have a perfect relationship, void of any disputes or problems. Most of the time, he has convinced even himself that this is indeed reality. So he treats me better than before…I dream that this behavior is for ever.”

3. “Just as he does not want his previous mistakes, foibles or insecurities tossed about for any one and every one to know, I would also prefer that mine are not available for public ridicule.”

In what other ways would you know that he is respecting you in public?

• “He is sensitive to my feelings and others’ (the observers) feelings as well.”
• “He delights in me and my personality, and does not ridicule me, even in my weakest moments.”
• “I can walk away from something embarassing and he lets me keep my pride.”
• “He praises me in public and acts as if he is honored to be with me.”
• “We use the golden rule and treat each other the way we want to be treated.”
• “His attitude shows that I’m protected and honored.
• “He shows that I’m sincerely loved and respected; so I’m happy and relaxed in public.”
• “I receive fairness and equality from the most important person in my life: him”

Now that we know what the dream is composed of, how could you get it?  By having a clear picture of what is the dream situation, you are doing a giant step ahead. Now that you know that respect and equality is what you wish for, how can you plan to obtain more of it?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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The core of some messages goes deep into the issue of IDENTITY:

Like asking the basic existential question:

“Who am I to him? a fellow human being, deserving of respect for my needs, or a mere thing?“

“I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who loves me and cares enough for me to listen to my needs and try to fill some of them. I’m not asking for someone perfect to fulfill my every wish and desire, just someone who loves me enough to TRY, to want to do things that make me feel happy and loved. And, I would do the same for that partner. With my PA husband, I feel like he gives the exact opposite of anything I ask for. I am always being “punished” somehow for having any needs at all.”

“That my emotional needs are important to my partner, even if he does not understand them completely; if I communicate my needs, I expect him to try and meet them if he really cares and loves me and not try and undermine and deny how I feel.”

“I want to feel that my emotional needs are important to him and I would like him to show it with his behavior, not just say it.”

Looks like the marriage deal is a not so hidden contract of reciprocal confirmation: “I will confirm that you are a valuable human being by listening and respecting your needs, and you will do the same for me…”

Even when violation of this basic contract between you and your spouse is happening all the time, our survey confirms that any of you forgets the basic purpose of being married: to get support, confirmation and validation from your spouse, and reciprocally, to give to him this kind of recognition.

What happens if we feel that we give him respect, attention and validation, but not receive the same for our own needs? Well, sometimes I tend to think if this behavior is the norm, then I’m getting shortchanged and abused. Our human need to be appreciated never goes away, what it does is to force us to find other sources for it. If we don’t satisfy it, our soul whiter and dies of starvation. What other will see is our lack of a strong self-esteem….what we experience is the loss of an inner center of strength and identity.

And why a spouse? because that is the most important contract of our lives! to find another person who can see and appreciate our qualities, (even the hidden ones) and praise them and admire them…This is the real basis for love, do you agree?
We tend to love those compassionate people who can see in us positive aspects perhaps we tend to ignore, and talk about them, and appreciate them, and make them real….

Here and then, you know that you really matter to that person… Is there a better love proof!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Indeed, each house is a different world. In each couple there are behaviors done, and behaviors missing. And a lot of time waiting for happiness to come back, to be just in the center of this relationship….We know a lot of what makes you unhappy;
we know less of what is missing; what would you make happier.

If we look at the experience of “walking on eggshells,” we see that it is too common in the shared stories. If you had not to walk on eggshells, what would you like to experience instead of that behavior? What is the opposite experience that makes you feel secure and accepted?

If you identify with being in the receiving end of “Getting the cold shoulder?” what would you like instead, that offers you the opposite experience? how do you dream the feeling of having a partner that shares ideas and thinking and planning with you, and how does it make you feel?

We invite you here to share your thoughts. Please, look at the litany of passive aggressive behaviors our readers suffer and are describing in their postings at AskNora, check the ones that you recognize as part of your life….and feel free to describe what your soul wants instead. Nobody but you knows what is what would you feel right, loved and supported, so use your own words to describe what you want to have in your life now.

You can begin your comment by saying:

“Instead of this behavior (fill the blank here) what I really need/want/appreciate is this other behavior!” (describe your heart’s desire here)

Thanks for sharing!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Lost are the initial illusions of intimacy, support and warmth. You had to learn to survive in a battle field of empty promises, cold shoulders and general loneliness. The abandonment scenario has been there all the time, it’s only now that you get to really see it….

What are you going to do now? How can you reconcile this reality, the same you’ve been denying all these years, with your needs? And, even a deeper question pops up: how are you going to see your own history up until now, as one of wasted love or something else?

You are confronted now with a fork in the road. One side takes you to the usual path: deny the loneliness, the love starvation you have been up until now; the other fork of the road takes you in a new direction.

Are you going to begin to be true to yourself? Have you won the right to say your truth, no matter what happens? Stop walking on egg shells and say out loud: “this is too lonely for me, and I need something different?”

This point is really also a breakthrough for the marriage. If sometimes the spouse of a PA person puts up with a lot, and in the process developing a deep resentment never addressed, getting to the moment of truth frees you from this tacit contract.

You are not supposed to continue going along with the charade that his behavior is enough company, enough support, enough love. It’s the time to learn how not to be silent, how to be aggressive in the good sense, and begin asking for what you really need.

Being assertive means that you know your needs; know that what he gives you is not enough food four your heart and soul, and that you need this time a real satisfaction of your needs for connection, love and respect.

And the old way of yielding to his sour mood in order to please him, to only keep the peace? it’s gone with the wind; you can’t sustain that pretense any longer. Your own integrity is demanding that now, for the first time, you have to put your own needs first…and follow through.

It doesn’t matter if he gets furious; it doesn’t matter if he goes into a hostile silence that lasts six weeks…your own integrity demands now that you’d be coherent with yourself. If there is something you need to do to procure more company, recognition, or support outside of the marriage, now is the moment of reaching out to your friends and family, and change your past response of accommodating to his passive aggression to one of self-assertion.

And, what happens with our basic question: was your love for him a wasted love? Of course not! it was only your own process of getting to love yourself first, which took some time to develop.

How come? Let’s see….How often did you put up with his rejection, only to be able to continue believing that you were part of a couple? Your being accepting of his quirkiness, wasn’t it also your need not to be alone, and to avoid getting other person angry at you?

In life, the more we prostitute ourselves for acceptance, the less we are accepted; in comparison with the price you paid, there was never any real appreciation, any real acceptance. This is your lesson.

If and when you are back into the person you really are, you will see that the learnings are deep: from now on, you know what do you want in life; you are not afraid of expressing your needs, and you also know that, as you did your individual spiritual development, he has to do his own process…

Who knows what is inside him and needs to be expressed, instead of his constant sulking? Whatever it is, now it is only his business…This is not your business any longer!

You did your best, and learned your lesson…Now, can you take the new, not the old road and see where it takes you to? It could be pretty educational, and also fun!

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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Then, one day, someone asks you: “Did you notice that he always gives you this passive aggressive responses that leave you in the lurch? how do you cope with the constant fog he creates around him?”…. and the light is on. Now you have a name for the behavior; now you don’t blame yourself first for not being clever enough as to understand him…You have to face the fact that you are in a passive aggressive marriage!

This is the moment when you can ask the real questions to yourself:

Are you prepared to release your own pent-up feelings of helplessness against life and marriage?

Do you crave open, honest communication with your partner, but he gives you the cold shoulder often?

Do you think you could have a good amount of respect for him if only you understood your husband’s motivations better, so he would and could be responsible of his marital duties?

Do you want finally to know when to trust him to follow up on his promises to you?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions it is time to learn how to control your future and discover the secrets to reclaiming your full love life.

If you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship, or if you are tired of useless confrontations with your loved one, it is time to make a change, by learning a new way of addressing him that protects you better….and leaves him in a place where he needs to treat you differently.

If you are ready to stop waiting for him to change; and you are ready to take control of your relationship and move it into a whole new direction, then you need to know this information

If this e-book gets to your hands, and you read it carefully, there WILL BE change. Your relationship will be different, and you will be empowered to face your marriage in a new way.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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TO HAVE A SECURE BUT EXCITING LOVE RELATIONSHIP!

How do you combine the two things?

Secure is boring….exciting is dangerous….so what gives?

For the rest of us, ensconced in a healthy but boring routine, we pay a high price for security. The excitement of the novelty is gone, and we learn to appreciate routine as a safety blanket, only punctured here and there by the occasional fight. We can be secure like this the rest of the year…why is this invention of a Valentine’s Day coming to challenge our security?

Because we do remember! Before the fights, the cold shoulders and the dissapointments, there was excitement! When you fall in love, there are certain chemical changes in your brain that make all your vital perspectives shift into high gear, where the world is brightest and we are soaring in it. You feel the love in all your cells. Your pulse quickens, and your heart beats faster, and the feeling of anticipation of good things to comer is all over you.

Every time we produce a feeling or a thought, we can be sure that it is based on a chemical track in our brain. The love excitement felt by the chemicals in the brain is highly addictive! And we all need that burst of dopamine in the brain that makes us feel alive, excited, connected and successful…

Now you wonder where all this excitement is gone…some days it looks like everything is dull and gray, and the only hightened feeling is either boredom or fear. What can you do to feel better in Valentine’s Day?

Of course, the first suggestion should be to try to change the dynamics with your spouse,  inviting him to do something different which can take both out of the dulling routine. This suggestion is only to be followed if there is a bit of reciprocal trust left.

You need to trust that your partner will not use this opportunity to damage you again. If you think that is safe, let’s talk about how you can get the Valentine feeling back.

You need to generate in your brain (and his) the dopamine-producing activity: both of you need to do something together that is completely new for both.

This new activity, being it visiting a new place, learning ballroom dancing, or joining a new group activity will provide the challenge to the brain to begin producing the results you expect.

Be sure that you are relaxed and confident that, if the attempt does not give you the results you want (re-connecting him with you) you’ll have a safe way to go back to your home.  The best disposition is not to expect too much, but just do it for the sake of Valentine’s Day! And don’t forget to bring some chocolate!

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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Detaching is observing the behavior without showing a lot of emotion.  If you do not react strongly, you do not give the passive aggressive person the emotional control, nor do you give them the opportunity to turn the tides and focus on your anger rather than on what the passive aggressive person has or has not done himself. 

This personality type relies on his partner’s sense of self-doubt so that he can force the conversation into dealing with her suppossed problems instead of reaching a decision about improving his behavior.

Also, learning about this behavior provides the basic self confidence you need to confront the behavior… it helps with the detaching when you know what can happen next.

 You can use the detaching also to re-direct the focus on yourself.  Once you know what you are dealing with, and become more confident  in your own capacity,  they are  less able to instill the doubt and make you the “bad person” and themselves the “injured” party…

 Detaching is also ignoring as many of the games as you possibly can.  You are going to be served with a variety of responses….it’s best to look at them as if you were at a theatre, and imagine that you are going to be surprised again and again….Remind yourself: “What next will he do?”

Whatever the reasons the passive aggressive person has to do what he does, like:  searching for  attention, deploying a sense of victimhood, following the inner need to exact revenge ( from a real or imagined slight from you). or just to show you that they do not have to do what you want them to do… and so be in the superior imaginary position, they want you to be aggravated by their resistance. If you show that it does not matter in such an important way, you are detaching.

If you do not react emotionally, then they do not get the reward they were seeking and this emptiness should eventually discourage their behavior. 

Detaching means a consistent lack of emotional impact, regardless what they do. Is like you are blunting their ability to hurt you. This has to give you enough emotional freedom as to negotiate what you need from him from a more secure and powerful footing.

Finally: When you DO have to confront them, do it in a very calm manner.    If you stay in control,  they cannot only “hear” you better they realize that you are serious. 

Also, make sure that you can and will follow through with whatever you say you will do…. They will call your bluff.   Let them know that it isn’t personal… That it isn’t a “payback” but that you cannot tolerate the offending behavior and  state the consequences if they do not stop doing exactly this kind of behavior.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

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If having someone at my side:

• He will not make the rules – tell me what I do, where I can go, decide by himself who spends the money and what it’s spent on.

If accepting someone’s love, this love will not be:

• Conditioning approval and love to my doing exactly what he wants;
• Always right while I’m presented as always wrong;
• Forcing me to accept his sense of humor as right and my answers as “merely too sensitive.”
• Controlling me with his disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.
• Blaming me if he is angry on his own life.

And if I’m so nice as to accept, value and respect him, I don’t want to be under the illusion that because I love him and I’m nice to him, he will change and control himself.

This will only confirm him that he can get away with the crime of controlling and abusing me. If I want to keep the peace, I will have to be strong, let him know of my limits and say STOP! when he is hurting our relationship and me….

When my new life begins in 2012, I will stop making excuses for his behavior and have the courage to say STOP! every time my personal integrity is pushed around.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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In order to make their partner feel inadequate or weak, the controlling person will use verbally abusive tactics as shame, belittling, name-calling and sarcasm. In this way they grab the more powerful position, relegating the other person to a gradually weakened identity because they own sense of value is chipped away.

How do you recognize verbal abuse? There are so many open and covert ways of abusing another person, that here we will mention only a few.

The easier to pinpoint are cruel “pet names” and obscene name-callings, those same behaviors that make a very comic movie story based on the humiliation of another person.

We all have innate ways of perceiving abuse delivered to us… Besides the emotional reaction in your gut, or the constriction in your chest, or shortening of your breath, or having the constant headache…? Yes, those also can be indicators that you have been hit by some self-esteem demolishing projectile.

Where is this habit of using verbal abuse coming from? From our families of origin, of course!

Toxic families use verbal abuse as part of their communicational style. We all can remember those opportunities in which our humiliation provided fodder for our relatives’ endless fun. At the moment, few of them were realizing the lasting impression of those humiliation feelings in us, probably still with us after all those years.

Sarcasm can be harmless, part of healthy bantering while interacting with peers and it only gets to be damaging when it is the only way others refer to you…then your reputation will be permanently damaged. It is acceptable when it is mixed with positive comments, appreciation and recognition of your skills or good qualities.

Destructive sarcasm is delivered using a special voice tone, a particular body position, and probably causes damage because you are open to others’ input. If you are expecting a positive feedback, or even needing it to build your self-esteem, then you are vulnerable to other person’s sardonic comments. This person can use the opportunity to control you using only denigrating sarcastic comments.

Criticism is a special way of abuse: it has to be consistently negative, (never mentioning positive aspects) and leaving no door opening for future improvement (“you are always so obtuse!”) to cause real harm.

Surprisingly, there are lots of spouses nowadays who believe they are doing a good job providing only negative criticism to their loved ones. This is only cause for pain and resentment (“How can’t he see what I’m doing well?”)

Put-downs are a subtle way of control (“If I can describe you as less than me, therefore you are an inferior person”) in which you refer to the other person’s characteristics or actions in a demeaning way, either in front of them or talking about them with others.

Name-calling is a cruel game, where anybody can portray some harmless personal characteristics now described as stupid, ugly, not worthy, etc. It can be especially damaging if the name calling is done using body parts of the other as the target, like: stature, weight, sexual characteristics, etc.

If it easy to detect when people are controlling us by doing abusive behaviors.

It is truly frightening to consider a double whammy in the behavior: the toxic, controlling partner will use charm and seduction to maintain their grip, only when convenient to cheat the weaker party in believing that there is love together with criticism.

They will dish out just enough good words to make their weaker partner feel that there is something worth holding on to. This gives the victim the false hope that the relationship just might be worth saving, and so he/she postpones the moment of reckoning where they see that all respect is lost and leave.

Most of the victims of toxic relationships are stuck in them by the vague hope that recognition and respect can be produced any day soon. Needless to say, what remains is, sadly, only more  verbal abuse and control.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Verbal Abuse as a Way of Spouse Control is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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