Using appreciation to confront a passive aggressive husband?

November 25, 2010 By

It’s not easy to have a confrontation with your husband…first because not being ready to accept responsibility makes him more prone to denial and angry responses, and second because you don’t feel so confident in your own skills.

What is the task? You ask me?

I’d say to open a conversation about what is hurting your couple’s communication; what is building up frustration and loneliness….and how to improve the relationship by stopping his passive aggression.

You are always thinking how to confront with grace; perhaps dreaming of the method that could make him pay attention, understand the challenge and accept his share of ownership of the silence between you both.

Here and now, you need to know that upright confrontation will fail. Are you ready to use some other suggestions? Perhaps you could be so brave as to start the broken conversation and say something to him. I know, you two are not talking, but it would do miracles to soften the situation if you say a simple “thanks” for anything he does around.

Here is this alternative view of your situation: Instead of being the sullen, negative guy you perceive, please try to see him as a terrified and scared person. He knows already that he is losing you…

Because he doesn’t know how to manage you and your expectations about the relationship, (and of course can’t ask), his only resource is anger! Remember that he has a nasty and resentful inner child inside… always yearning for some crumbs of attention. If you can muster your courage and say something positive to him, not related to any issue in dispute now, simply “thanks,”  (because he brings in the groceries, opens a door, or turns off a light, etc) it will de-escalate the tension and soften a bit your fear and dread of being in the house with him.

Remember, do it only if you feel that it will give you the power to regulate the animosity between you two…as an experiment to learn different and unexpected ways of reaching to his inner child scared of loss. After a time of this treatment, you will find the way to talk with him about his unwanted behavior…and the impact of that behavior on you.

Meanwhile, you are doing this without expectations, in a detached mood, as to see if there are any changes in the interaction…Think of building your own reserves of self-esteem. The rest of the time, plan nice activities for yourself: go to the park, to church, to watch a good movie, take some time to do something that is only fun. You need a break.

All the time, remember to breathe! You will find a way out of this situation, eventually, and the way has to be transforming it by being compassionate, not aggressive, because children are watching, and learning from your actions.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why secrecy is part of passive aggression?

June 3, 2010 By

One of the poster wrote this suggestion in our site:
“How do you deal with a husband that keeps a secret journal and never tells me he is unhappy about anything?” This reader is hitting at the heart of the passive aggression problem.

We need to remember first that this kind of behavior
a) is not caused by or originated with the present marriage;
b) has deep roots in his childhood and family of origin
c) is connected with some kind of long forgotten trauma, still active inside him.

This short description is necessary because there can be so many misconceptions obscuring the understanding of his present behavior. She is not guilty of his present passive aggression, because he has been functioning in this way to protect himself from life’s hazards and tribulations for a very long time.

So, why the need for secrecy? If the original trauma and all the feelings included has to do with his parents, or a parent substitute as uncles, godfathers, or ministers, it could never be opened up. The victim, in this case your husband, had to keep everything inside as a way of colluding with his parents who decided that the situation was normal enough not to merit a comment or a defensive reaction. If the child was abused, emotionally oppressed or humiliated in some way, this was never talked about, because the loyalty to parental figures was stronger. Then and there, secrecy was the main line of defense: don’t say a word about what hurts you. Tragically, this “defense” ends up exterminating all humanity in relationships, because then the humiliated child has nobody to defend his integrity, and every one of the adults is a accomplice of the hurt.

The last thing a PA person will do is to complain about his own past or present unhappiness. He is still a five years old child inside, convinced that there is no justice in this world, that talking will get him punished and still will get no justice, and that opening up could end up in more ridicule, punishment or humiliation. No, he can’t say a word….which doesn’t mean that he is not hurt, resentful and dreaming of revenge!

This secrecy pact is what makes it so difficult to live with him…produces the impression that he is still more loyal to the people that then and there damaged him, than to his present situation and loving companion. Secrecy will make also impossible to provide him with the satisfaction and nurturing his own needs demand, and will generate resentment on both sides: on her side because she is willing to give love that he finds impossible to accept and from his side because whatever he can receive is not answering his deep needs for love and security coming from his past starvation.

Secrecy also gives him the illusion of conserving his own power; if nobody knows what hurts him, he can deny that some hurt exists in his heart forever. “Me keeping a grudge against my parents? Why would I do such a thing?”

Denial is a wall that blocks connection in marriage. It signals a whole part of his soul is not included in the marriage bargain. Allows withdrawal and isolation, and predicts more isolation, but the illusion of power and control.

So, what can you do? First, accept that this is his reality; no amount of coaching or preaching will make him leave this cave when he feels the need to be protected there. Perhaps allowing him to keep his secrets, giving him permission to withdraw in his cave and sulk there, is the only way of giving him what he needs. And feeling that he has not to fight for his right to some privacy, so he can feel secure enough of being respected as he is, could invite him to leave his cave more often.

SIGH? nobody said that this kind of marriage was going to be easy, right? What about your karma could be now putting you in this pickle?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tips to manage difficult husband’s behaviors

January 4, 2010 By

Amy Sutherland, an exotic animal trainer is offering her learnings training wild  animals in captivity  as transferable to manage your husband’s behavior.

Even when this suggestion can appear as preposterous, there is much wisdom in this approach. If you are really at your wit’s end, why not to try this?

The first step is to detach. You need to teach yourself to be detached,  able to see any behavior from your husband in an impersonal way, and to stop taking his faults personally,  (like avoid seeing his  dirty clothes on the floor as a personal affront, or a symbol of how he doesn’t care enough about you).

The second step is you should reward behavior you like and completely ignore behavior you don’t. This means not only stop nagging, but learn to block from your perception the behavior you don’t want.  You become more and more “blind” to that behavior…..and only see what you can appreciate.

If he is doing his usual passive aggressive routine, being silent and leaving you in a vacuum, don’t escalate into a full blown discussion. Don’t ask for a solution, don’t repeat your question, and don’t issue a deadline. Just go about your life, undisturbed.

In Amy’s words, “When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn’t respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.”

In the next opportunity your husband is raising his voice, trashing things around and looking upset, you can try to say nothing, and keep doing what you are doing.

It can take a lot of discipline to maintain your calm, but it helps to think that his mood is probably not related to you. There are several sources of his discomfort, and usually you are not his problem….and if he insists on telling you that you are the problem, is because he is nervous. If you don’t escalate the fight, and try to stay calm, he will calm down.

This strategy is paired with constant recognition. Whatever positive action, even if it is bringing the groceries from the car to the kitchen, needs thanks from you.  If he is doing more, like doing grocery shopping alone, you can even give him a kiss.

All this strategy applies also the concept that whatever you focus on, it tends to take center stage: if you focus on a negative trait of your partner, like his tendency to be late for appointments and dates, then this trait will become prevalent and it will negate the perception of other positive traits that attracted you to him before.

Of course, it’s difficult to find aspects to praise when you are upset and dissapointed with your partner, but this can be a new way to frame the relationship and take you out of a dissapointing rut.

Here are some extra ideas that you can consider:

  1. Every time you need to ask him about some changes needed, begin recollecting the good things done;
  2. Try to find a positive thing to comment on daily;
  3. Don’t you dare to mention his negative aspects without talking about how good the positive ones are, first.
  4. If the results are awful, you can always praise his good intention;
  5. Be very creative and find unexpected aspects to praise: a busy person that accomplishes everything could be praised for her constant smile, or his good disposition even along the busiest day;
  6. Don’t be mean, don’t link praise with immediate critique: “you did well, but forgot this part.” In this case, the “but” will cancel the praise.

Apply this techniques for a while and you will see a change in the quality of your relationship, having more trust, and pleasure in the mutual company.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , ,

A Passive Aggressive Husband Hides From Intimacy

October 5, 2009 By

Living with a passive aggressive husband is a very disconcerting experience. You are fighting against shadows, and it is possible that it takes you a long time to realize the real nature of the relationship. By “fighting against shadows,” we want to convey the meaning that you never have a concrete, real, and constant obstacle. As it is based in an emotional resistance to intimacy, then you get all the gamut of denial, evasion, silence, and all the ways of “not really being here with you” he can muster. This style of communication is usually perceived by the victim as in this case: “My husband never says my name; he fails to acknowledge my presence, does not give me any compliments ever or volunteer help or information. He rarely asks me a question of any kind, or God forbid, inquire about my wants, needs, feelings, etc.” [Read more...]

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5 Indicators of Passive Aggression

May 27, 2009 By

It’s difficult to accept, but some people are so scared of being deeply loved, that they will unconsciously frustrate all steps towards intimacy with passive aggressive behaviors.

Probably you know already the multiple ways in which this passive aggression will rear its ugly face. Perhaps if we review some of them, we can begin to offer an strategy to understand how it happens and so reduce the damage. Let me count the ways…

We focus here on five destructive aspects of the relationship with your passive aggressive spouse:

1.- Mindset always focused on negative aspects of life:  Your husband believes that life is a miserable experience and there is no joy to be expected, so he finds always lots to complain about.

Other people, mostly you,   are to be blamed for his situation. He can do very little to change his world. Your positive suggestions will be ignored, because he needs to focus only on thoughts of disaster, misery and rejection.

TACTIC NUMBER 1: To balance this negative influence, keep a positive attitude, and remind yourself of the good things in your life you are grateful for. You have a choice: to be or not a victim of circumstances, and you’d prefer not to be a victim.

If you catch yourself diminishing your merits, then tell yourself to Stop! Do some breathing exercises and tell yourself how good you are at what you do.

 Keep your good friends around, so they can also remind you of your good qualities.

2) Behavior that makes you confuse.  As passive aggressive behavior is covered up with nice words and plausible excuses, you get confused often.

Your mind needs to make decisions while it is simultaneously receiving contradictory messages. He’ll describe his behavior as good intentioned, willing to help and support you, while at the same time he abandons all commitments at the first opportunity. Later he will give you a nice excuse and twist your brain another turn of the screw….

TACTIC NUMBER 2: Now you know where you are, because a healthy relationship would make you feel totally different. Look at your emotional pain as indicator of being in a relationship with a passive aggressive (PA) person. Your reality now is that another person is confusing and manipulating you! DO take your confusion seriously: go for a walk; do something alone; write in your diary; learn breathing exercises to calm your brain and heart; watch a positive romantic movie in TV; anything that fills you with mind clarity and peace is welcome! 

3) Behavior that attacks projects because you love them: be ready to defend your beloved projects: Anything that provokes your enthusiasm and excitement is a target for his attacks, in the form of negative opinions, criticism and put down comments. Know why? Because he will perceive, correctly, that your projects are using attention that is now allocated to him, and will fight back.

TACTIC NUMBER 3: Don’t show any need for support from a PA partner, at least at the start up. The more detached you can be, the more protected you become from manipulations that will eventually disappoint you.

So, you need to present your heart’s desires in a way that is detached from the emotions they produce in you.  If you can present the most exciting idea with a blank face, then you’ll likely to get what you want. Learn to control any visible emotional connection or desire, while you move ahead with your projects simultaneously.

4) Giving you the “Silent Treatment:”   Keeping hours and days of silence  towards you, is an expression of his anger or disapproval.  Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don’t know the reason? Is someone who’s normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing.

TACTIC NUMBER 4:   Asserting Yourself in a very serious way. If you can  remember that this is his choice of method to control you, then you can be safer.  You are not responsible for his behavior, he is deciding to be cold and distant and controlling. Again, detaching yourself, having your own projects and friends, will protect your core from the isolation forced unjustly on you. When you feel stronger, perhaps you would confront him, explaining the impact that this behavior has on you, and on the future of the relationship.

5) Always “not being completely there”     In a time of need, the PA person will always be, as the saying goes: “an hour late, a dollar short, or a block away.” He  does nothing when something is expected from him.  He “was meaning to go with you to the doctor’s…but something else came up.” He can give you a dozen reasons why he could not do what he promised, leaving you confused between believing him, and listening to your hurt feelings.

TACTIC NUMBER 5: Clair the confusion in your brain! Each time he says that he “forgot”, substitute the words: “didn’t want to” instead of “forgot.” You then can properly realize what is going on, and can move on with your decisions. You put an end to the confusion and paralysis provoked by his mix of verbal good intentions and painful omissions.

Living with a person who relates in this way can induce pain, confusion and loneliness.  Regardless of that, you might be very well looking at his positive aspects and trying to make a good effort to develop a stable and long term relationship. It will helpful to keep the five indicators in mind.

 
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