How to trust his behaviors?

February 25, 2010 By

Balancing trust with self-preservation is a very difficult balancing act….If you want to keep your trust on your husband’s intentions to treat you well and always defend your interests, then you can’t be second-guessing if he is doing passive aggression against you, right?

If you decide that is impossible to be for ever watchful, and then give him your best shot at helping you (“I need the car with the full tank of gas tomorrow early, so I can go to this job interview, could you take care of it?”) only to discover that he “forgot to do it,” where that leaves you?

 Frustrated? Yes…
 Scared? Even more!

The first time you discover you can’t count on him solve a need for your very important project, a crack appears in your perception of the trust existent in your relationship. This is a sad discovery: “I can’t trust him.”

This is not easily forgotten. Every time you need to ask him for something be it trivial or important, a nagging question appears in your mind: will he do it in time? Or will I only get a silly excuse for his absence?

This is not easily denied. Now you need double guarantees, to ask and ask again about the fulfillment of the promise, about his delivery of whatever he promised. You are stuck in a no win situation, where, if he is really angry at you, he will play you at his will. You will get lots of stories, little confidence in what he says.

How can you go on? Now you have a double burden: decide if you are going to share the inevitable tasks of married life, (and having to do them anyway later) or doing them before hand and be done with them, and avoid this endless conversation about his duties. Whatever you do, it gives you the lingerig feeling that this is not the life you dreamed of.

Is there a way out? Proceed with caution, and be ready to hear outrageous accusation about being too controlling…

Here are the steps:

Ask for help: “I need you to take the car to the mechanics this week, before Friday 6:00 PM”
Confirm: “I will ask you no later than Wednesday night,”
Say what will happen: “I need you to tell me if you have a problem with this taks. If I don’t deliver my work Friday evening, we will lose the client.”
Alert him: “If you have a problem with this issue, it’s better to share it with me now, so we can make other plans”
Close the deal: “I need to know that I can trust you with this project, very important for me.”
Finally: keep in mind that you need to have also a Plan B, for if he fails to deliver at the last minute.

If things go well, you can praise him and show your happiness. If there is a non-delivery, then you go to Plan B without any warning or other conversation. Be fast, act in a sure way and don’t leave any possibility for him to imagine that his non-delivery will stop you from doing what you need to do.

After several repetitions of this dance, perhaps you can begin again saying: “Now that we both know that certain tasks need to be done regardless what we would like to do, and can’t be stopped, I would like to know if I can trust you with this new task…..”

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How do I detach from a passive aggressive husband?

February 17, 2010 By

In a very kind letter, Rosy said:

“In my own way to learn detachment, there were several moments I do remember as very important for me:

The first thing I decided to do: I completely stopped opening a conversation with him about the future of our relationship.
Then, I completely stopped touching him or getting near him in a loving way…and watched his reaction”

You probably are surprised, and asking: is this what I need to do?

YES, to reconnect with your own feelings, you need to detach. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him any more; it means you are opening your own space to get to know who are you and what do you feel…

If you perceive that he is ready to look like he will open up a conversation, (because you are strangely silent) saying something like “what do you think we could do…” just wait a bit more:

—Go and do the dishes, play with the cat, go to the bathroom, do something else, but do not accept his invitation to take over the conversation about “where do we go from here..”

—Focus your attention on watering the plants, feed the dog, take out the trash, but don’t engage.

—Instead, take the time to sit down, and explore your feelings…how do you feel? Angry? Exhausted? Hopeless? Own any feelings appearing inside you: there is only one way to recover yourself and is through owning your emotions.

—Cry, yell if you need to, but don’t let him see you, or communicate any of these feelings to him.

Stay in this contained situation until you feel that you own your feelings, and that you can manage them. You are not at his mercy, but you can control yourself.

This kind of detachment separates your own feelings from whatever he tries to make you feel; ends confusion and makes you the owner of your own power. Is a temporary emotional separation that allows you to recover the person you are and center in yourself. Without this centering, any “talk” with him will confuse you again, and make again feel that you are lost….Just take control of yourself, and center!

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: assertiveness, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When my new life begins in 2010, I want…”

December 18, 2009 By

For the New Year, I know what I want;
It’s the same wish I always knew:

If having someone at my side:

  • He will not make the rules – tell me what I do, where I can go, decide by himself who spends the money and what it’s spent on.

If accepting someone’s love, this love will not be:

  • Conditioning approval and love to my doing exactly what he wants;
  • Always right while I’m presented as always wrong;
  • Forcing me to accept his sense of humor as right and my answers as “merely too sensitive.”
  • Controlling me with his disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt.
  • Blaming me if he is angry on his own life.

And if I’m so nice as to accept, value and respect him, I don’t want to be under the illusion that because I love him and I’m nice to him, he will change and control himself.

This will only confirm him that he can get away with the crime of controlling and abusing me. If I want to keep the peace, I will have to be strong, let him know of my limits and say STOP! when he is hurting our relationship and me….

When my new life begins in 2012, I will stop making excuses for his behavior and have the courage to say STOP! every time my personal integrity is pushed around.

NoraNora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.
Filed Under: Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is your Passive Aggressive Spouse Making you Feel Crazy?

October 25, 2009 By

Have you ever had one of those fights with your spouse where you just explode while your mate just looks at you calmly, making you feel like you have lost your mind?

He’ll call you crazy and brush off what had made you so upset in the first place.  Lets rewind and take a look at what causes this behavior.

Joanne, a working mother, is kept busy by long hours at the office and by two active children.  Her husband Keith is a hard worker but he does not enjoy helping out around the house.  Joanne has a busy day planned and asks Keith to do the laundry.  Keith agrees and Joanne leaves the house.  When she gets home, Joanne finds the laundry unwashed and crumpled on the floor.  Keith’s excuse is that he forgot.

This can be the last straw for Joanne.  It seems that whatever she asks Keith to do, never gets done, and she begins to see a pattern in his “forgetfulness”…he forgets whatever he doesn’t want to do, but never confronts her directly.

After multiple experiences with this passive aggressive behavior, the wife may eventually explode. Then, to her surprise, her mate will remain calm, roll his eyes at her, and make her feel like she are the crazy one. Why is she screaming, when he unfortunately only forgot to do it?

Remember, a passive aggressive spouse will take his anger out on you in an indirect way.  He won’t come out and say “I don’t want to do the laundry today,” but will conveniently “forget” to do it instead.  When his spouse gets upset with him, he has all the excuses in the world.  He refuses to take blame for his passive aggressive behavior and rationalizes what he has done.

Furthermore, he feels that he must win the argument by convincing his spouse that she was the wrong one.  This type of manipulation is common for a passive aggressive spouse, and can add a lot of aggravation to their relationship. She can’t trust to delegate any domestic task on him in the future, and in this way he is off the hook. And anger builds up.

Perhaps the only way is to work with the husband and find a trade off: if he really doesn’t want to do domestic chores, what else can he do to help the overburdened wife? By discussing his resistance in the open some clarity can be achieved and expectations can be lowered to the level of what is real. It can save her some negative feelings of frustration, in the future, only if he delivers on the trade off tasks assigned to him.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , ,

Is Passive Aggression Sabotaging Your Proyects?

July 19, 2009 By

How would you like to hear other peoples’ experiences? Perhaps I can invite you to peep over the shoulder, as this wife tells her own experience with a passive aggressive husband?

“Once upon a time, I was a very patient, loving, confident, creative, happy, cheerful, accomplished woman and now I am angry, frustrated, unhappy, confused. I always believed that my cheerful optimism would bring my husband up – he says it’s what attracted him, what he wanted to have and be…all he has done is to kill my spirit with passive resistance, punishing me and doing constant covert abuse (verbal, and emotional).

He tries to control me (he has preferences about everything from my clothes to the brand of toilet paper I buy, expresses disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing – discouraged my career, my garden, my writing until I lost pleasure and passion and quit so he would stop making me feel bad like I am all about “fluff”…things that don’t matter.

My self-esteem is so low I just want to jump off the nearest bridge.”

As you’re sitting there in front of your computer reading this very personal letter, I can imagine you matching this frustrating marital experience to yours…and finding lots of points in common.

Perhaps you are focusing on this special point:

“He is always irritated and shows his strongest disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing.”

As you become aware of this aspect, perhaps the feelings well up in you: disappointment, loneliness, frustration at his lack of support. It’s not only that he doesn’t share your loves, the problem is that he can attack your projects immediately just because you love them!

Of course, you have gone through some advice on how to deal with passive aggressive husbands, and you know that you must not allow him to dictate everything that you should or not should do.

Before getting to that, perhaps you have the deep courage to look at the loneliness where his contempt leaves you. If you married with the normal hope of having a partner to do life affirming activities together, and to have fun together, his present sardonic resistance is leaving you alone, and frustrated and somehow angry at the deception. You need a companion that has fun at the same things you have fun at, so both can enjoy them.

If there is a need for him not to do things with you, because work commitments or other problems, perhaps you can accept that, and your trust is maintained.

What really is disconcerting and sad is his ability to destroy the things you love, so you are left without his company and without the activities you love to do and have fun at.

As you recognize now the impact that his attitude is having in reducing your world by destroying your capacity to enjoy doing some activities, think of the future. Who would you be in the next future if this behavior continues? A wife having such a “low self esteem that you would be ready to jump off the nearest bridge?”

Before you get to this point, you probably think that there is something you can do to protect your love of life….there are many things you can do to recover your self. At this time, what is possible here is to tell you that you are right in your feelings of being abandoned by your husband not sharing now the same things that made him fell in love with you…and restricting or destroying your enjoyment of funny things to do.

It’s a difficult task, but while looking at the situation as it is, and not denying this impact on you, you are taking your first step to recovery.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080806140957AAYXU8O

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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