He has done a lot of the following behaviors to me:

• Saying he will do something and not doing it;
• Doing something half-assed, and then blaming me for attacking him when I confront him;
• Never taking responsibility for things that go wrong;
• Defiant against authority and social mores, always criticizing those who have power in church, government, at his job;
• Gets back at people secretively – like shooting the neighbors car with a BB gun and then denying having done it;
• Lying to save himself or avoid punishment;
• Having an affair and saying it was caused by me not giving him affection.

When I confront him about any of this, or god forbid confront him about being passive aggressive, he says I’m “out to make him wrong” (his hidden anger, from when his family would make him the scapegoat). And that’s where the conversation stops! If we’re unable to move beyond this communication wall, our relationship is going to end, and badly.

- Madeline

 

My husband and I have a lot of communication problems because of his passive aggression. He often forgets conversations we’ve had, denies they happened, or denies any fact from them that would make him wrong. I’ve taken to writing things down, repeating them verbatim, or printing email records to prove that I’m not as crazy as he says.

I feel like I can’t talk to him even then, because he’s continually passing judgement on what I’m thinking and doing at the moment, showing me that I don’t pass his evaluations and expectations.

It’s like a constant mental game of chess – I’m always on the defensive, while he thinks the opposite. Meanwhile, we shouldn’t be competing or playing games at all! Failure to communicate honestly and openly is breaking up our relationship.

- Eden

 

His passive aggression is making our lives hell. The simple things like saying “I’ll do this,” and then actually doing it, are lost. He uses his passive aggressive communication/language as a way to make me feel demanding (when he doesn’t do things he said he would) or abusive (confronting him about how many times he’s let me down).

He is bitter and jealous of anyone else’s achievements, and either criticizes them constantly or refuses to talk to them at all. He continually gripes about not being recognized for his hard work, when he’s not really putting in any more effort than I am.

He mumbles so I can’t tell whether he’s insulting me or others, and he’s distant, even when we’re in the same room.

Help me!

- Georgia

What can you do to deal with this sad state of affairs? There are lots of resources here in this blog, as well as coaching available.

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, offering you a coaching session to deal with hubby’s passive aggression!.

How Does Passive Aggression Kill Communication? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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About 60% of responses expressed dreams like these:

1. “I wish I could feel safe and trust him completely, knowing he would never turn on me and try to bring me down. However, he is unpredictable. At first he would attack me in public, but now he is more careful, trying to make himself look like the all-around nice guy. He wouldn’t dare do anything to jeopardize that. The public may buy into his dysfunctional façade, but I can’t bring myself to trust that he’s turned over a new leaf.”

2. “I don’t want to feel attacked, harassed, and bullied – I want to feel lifted up, cherished, with all the dignity that a caring husband gives a woman. I wish he wouldn’t undermine me and demean me at home, or worse, in public for everyone to see and gossip about. It makes me feel worthless.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to value and appreciate you?

• “He cherishes me like I am something precious, and always watches out for my well-being.”
• “When we are out and find ourselves disagreeing, we talk things over in private – calmly.”
• “He spoils me with praise, whether we are home or not. It gives him pleasure to show his approval in public. It proves to me how much he appreciates me.”
• “He is sincere enough that even complete strangers on the street can tell he cares for me deeply.”
• “The idea of bullying me is the farthest thing from his mind. His priority is caring for me and protecting me from trouble and harm.”

I simply need to feel valued and appreciated by him everywhere.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge your deep need to be valued and appreciated by the person most near you, how are you going to get this appreciation you dream about ? How are you going to challenge his way of demeaning you in public, as to make appear that he is the one in control in your marriage, and show him that is really vital for you to feel cherished by him? And how are you planning to heal your self-esteem from the damage caused by his criticism and continuous public put downs? Do you see a way to heal your marriage from this kind of hurt?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Does he attack you in public? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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Here we had some 85% of responses expressing the following dreams:

1. “Sometimes I feel like it’s a lost cause to think we can ever communicate openly about why he needs to play these games, why he hides his thoughts and actions. Maybe it isn’t hopeless to dream of clarity, but right now it seems like it.”

2. “I want to be an integral part of his life and worthy of so much more than games. I do not like playing mind games and think this is the worst aspect of my PA husband. I do not want to have to play games to get what I want; I prefer to be forthcoming, and want that in return.”

3. “I would like to have consistency, to trust that a yes is a yes and a no is a no. Being with a man who changes his mind all the time makes me feel insecure, like I can’t trust him. I never know where I stand, and I leave the argument feeling like nothing has been resolved. It makes me feel heavy.”

In what other ways would you know that you can trust him?

• “My well-being is more important to him than keeping up appearances of perfection.”

• “We never waste life’s precious moments; we focus most on loving each other.”

• “I can think clearly when I’m with him, and I have faith in myself and my perceptions.”

• “Reverse psychology does not occur when we are working things out.”

• “He would never insult my intelligence by being dishonest or trying to manipulate me.”

• “He is above cheating me or stifling me; he thrives on bringing out the best of me.”

• “Our relationship doesn’t feel faked. It’s a real, secure connection.”

• “Sometimes, if the situation is complicated, we set down a time limit and a goal.”

I simply need security.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge this need for a secure bond, where you can trust your own perceptions as connected to the shared reality, how are you going to send the message that you want to get rid of manipulation and deceit? How important is this need and how are you going to prevent the lack of trust that is so damaging to your self-esteem? How are you going to respect your own need for transparency and truth?

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today! Get your own copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband,” and begin the path to recover yourself!.

Is He Playing Mind Games with You? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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“I went back to live with him, canceling my divorce, because I’m scared of what he will throw at me if I push it………..and because after 18 years, I can’t bear to see his pain. I want out, but don’t have the strength to do it.
I won’t spend more time trying to ‘fix’ him. I no longer have the emotional capacity to allow myself to put that kind of trust into our marriage, and evidence shows that he won’t change anyway.

I no longer wish to have a future with this man. The more independent I become, the more threatening and controlling he gets. It’s become intolerable, yet it’s so subtle, that he can make everything sound so reasonable from his point of view. I end up doubting my perceptions all the time.
He has never hit me, although sometimes I wish he would. I’d have something to pin on him then, and would be able to justify my leaving.”

It has to do with the escalating quality of his subtle and not so subtle responses to the growing wife’s independence. As long as she stays beside him, sharing his stunted view of the world and their lives in it, it can be called “abuse as usual.” It gets really scary, and reveals the depth of his need of her, when she decides to separate mentally of his world. She begins to act as if she is so depressed or apathetic as not to fear, wait or dream anything, so her emotional reaction goes down to zero. If there is no way his behavior can manipulate her, then he fears the loss of his leverage on her. And after that, if she is not responsive to his abuse, and fearful of him, then how can he control her? The only response left is, sadly, to put more fear and pressure on her.

Is this kind of relationship, so full of pain, worthwhile? Perhaps this is not the right answer; it is the only relationship possible for the person who is hiding behind a passive aggresive defense. He wants to be in company and be loved, while not showing any emotional side of his. This is the beginning of this deal, where a person needing love and support can find herself in an emotional desert for many years.

There is always this defining moment, for the woman ready to leave, where she is forced to face even more fear and resistance, only to be able to be free of him. Only if she gathers her courage and is ready for the backlash, and prepared to face it, can she change her life for good.

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.creativeconflicts.com.

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The more independent I become, the more threatening and controlling he gets. is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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There are very few responses to this question posted in this blog. It’s true that the fear of retaliation is always present. Given that the PA Husband’s behavior is mostly unconscious,
any demand to change it will be perceived at the beginning as a threat. Possibly, he could answer with more of the same….Beginning a spiral of negative behaviors out of control.

The key is to be clear of what you want to accomplish:

a) you want to establish some limits, as to recover a measure of self-control;
b) you want to be listened to.

In order to do this two purposes, the first key is to confront using a tone of voice never accusatory, but matter of fact;
and have the words already prepared, and practiced.

“When you forget to bring home the prescription medicines you promise to pick up for me, I feel let down. Next time I will (here mention what you have decided to do; your “Plan B”).”

Is important not to sound accusatory, or blaming, as not to trigger all the defensive responses he has in stock.

Remember that he is not in a position to control his defensive machinery, which will trigger as soon as you can express the pain of your dissapointment. Make his failure a fact, describe it as a fact, look at him in the eyes, and repeat your phrase two or three times.

Then, change the subject and move on. Make a note in your diary, because the second step of this treatment is, when he offers to pick them up:

“This is the way I’m dealing with my prescription medicines now. Remember that in (date here) I told you that it was not acceptable your forgetting? Well, things have changed now and I manage my medications in a different way.”

Again, voice in a matter of fact tone, make eye contact, repeat, keep records.

What other of his behaviors would you deal with using this method?

How Can I Address his Behavior Without Him Retaliating? is a post from: Passive Aggressive Husband

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