How to Deal with Your Passive Aggressive Ex-Husband

February 4, 2011 By

In general, you need to remember that how parents work with each other after divorce has an impact on how well children will manage. And you do care about how your children develop later in life, and want them to navigate this divorce with the least amount of harm possible.

It is important to respect your children’s need to love and develop positive relationships with both parents. If you promote good will in your relationship with your PA ex-husband, you will be investing in your children’s happiness and success in life.

If you are still angry with each other over past circumstances and allow these feelings to affect your current relationship, co-parenting will be difficult. You need to be willing to help each other in times of crises and stress, regardless of the divorce.

Stop being an enemy and focusing on the negative experiences of the marriage and divorce. Remember that this attitude will force your children to side with one or the other parent. Even if your actual sense of justice would demand to anihilate the other parent image in the minds of your children, this hurts them. Leave the past behind and resolve to have a compassionate attitude if only to help your children grow without damage.

What are the specific challenges that you can find with a person that behaved in a passive aggressive way with you? That he can resist any of your positive comments or requests about the children, right? So, how can you develop a way of negotiation with him that helps the communication to work?

  1. Ask for help in a way that will make him feel appreciated and in control (more in control of things than I am).
  2. If necessary, when asking for something, or in general, tell him specifically “I don’t want to control you, I just want your help.”
  3. When confronting him, do it gently and say “We don’t need to blame each other.  I need your help in solving this.”
  4. Be aware that the silent treatment will probably continue sometimes because he “needs” to punish you. Just ignore this, and send your kind messages once again.
  5. Clarify with each other what’s expected in your relationship and what feels comfortable when interacting. He might need a very clear set of rules with little negotiation, at the beginning.You can be more flexible later.
  6. Refrain from name-calling or bad language when referring to your former spouse, particularly in front of the children.
  7. Ask yourself always if what you are doing is in the best interest of the children.
Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: assertiveness, impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Trust in a passive aggressive relationship

November 1, 2010 By

Each time you have a frustrating experience, because something agreed upon by your husband is not happening, you are a bit more disappointed than before. Is it right, then, that each new time you have a little less of trust in his word? Of course!

What happens is that, after navigating the fog of double messages and confusion, and overcoming your sense of frustration, you get to a point where his acceptance of non-delivering what he promised is not enough for you…

You are sad and still expecting some repair behavior from him. What is this repair work in a relationship? Well, when you interact with a grown up person, you know that there is a complete apology to deliver and accept.

It has first an acceptance of responsibility (“Yes, I did promise to pay the bills this month…”) followed by a personal apology (“I acknowledge that I didn’t do as promised, and now we have some consequences because I forgot…I’m sorry about it”).

Because it’s true that you want a behavior that is rooted in reality, so you are waiting for the apology to include a description of the frustrating behavior; then a bit about the damage done, or of its consequences, and to show empathy for the impact of those consequences on you….(“and now you need to take time out of your schedule to write the checks I didn’t do…”).

Is it too much to expect that he finally realizes that his behavior has a negative impact on you, or on the finances of the couple? Of course not! This is what grown ups do!

Owning a negative piece of your behavior is what integrity is all about: you accept that this behavior is yours, that it has an impact and that you are responsible for the impact of it on other people. No denial, no excuses, no angry responses!

Only when your husband is able to complete a real and sincere apology, showing that he recognizes when he is hurting others, you can begin again to trust him.

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today, begin by getting the manual for managing passive aggression.

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Does he attack you in public?

September 7, 2010 By

When I feel that he is “Attacking Me in Public,” the dream I’m yearning for is… protection first and recognition always.

About 60% of responses expressed dreams like these:

1. “I wish I could feel safe and trust him completely, knowing he would never turn on me and try to bring me down. However, he is unpredictable. At first he would attack me in public, but now he is more careful, trying to make himself look like the all-around nice guy. He wouldn’t dare do anything to jeopardize that. The public may buy into his dysfunctional façade, but I can’t bring myself to trust that he’s turned over a new leaf.”

2. “I don’t want to feel attacked, harassed, and bullied – I want to feel lifted up, cherished, with all the dignity that a caring husband gives a woman. I wish he wouldn’t undermine me and demean me at home, or worse, in public for everyone to see and gossip about. It makes me feel worthless.”

In what other ways would you know that he is there to value and appreciate you?

• “He cherishes me like I am something precious, and always watches out for my well-being.”
• “When we are out and find ourselves disagreeing, we talk things over in private – calmly.”
• “He spoils me with praise, whether we are home or not. It gives him pleasure to show his approval in public. It proves to me how much he appreciates me.”
• “He is sincere enough that even complete strangers on the street can tell he cares for me deeply.”
• “The idea of bullying me is the farthest thing from his mind. His priority is caring for me and protecting me from trouble and harm.”

I simply need to feel valued and appreciated by him everywhere.

NOW that you deeply acknowledge your deep need to be valued and appreciated by the person most near you, how are you going to get this appreciation you dream about ? How are you going to challenge his way of demeaning you in public, as to make appear that he is the one in control in your marriage, and show him that is really vital for you to feel cherished by him? And how are you planning to heal your self-esteem from the damage caused by his criticism and continuous public put downs? Do you see a way to heal your marriage from this kind of hurt?

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Begin now reading your copy of “The Art of Living with a Passive Aggressive Husband” and recover your own happiness!

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Humiliated in public? this is what you need now!

August 2, 2010 By

When I feel that “I’m Humiliated in Public,” the dream I’m yearning for is… respect and equality.

Some 84 % of the responses expressed dreams consistent with:

1. “I would like to feel that he is there to prevent injustice, not perpetuate it. It is a double standard, because he would never stand for any form of humiliation from me, and I would pay dearly for such a vicious act.”

2. “A long time ago, I criticized him in public, and he responded viciously in front of my friends. I could never forget that, but now he has a need to appear perfect and wants people to believe we have a perfect relationship, void of any disputes or problems. Most of the time, he has convinced even himself that this is indeed reality. So he treats me better than before…I dream that this behavior is for ever.”

3. “Just as he does not want his previous mistakes, foibles or insecurities tossed about for any one and every one to know, I would also prefer that mine are not available for public ridicule.”

In what other ways would you know that he is respecting you in public?

  • “He is sensitive to my feelings and others’ (the observers) feelings as well.”
  • “He delights in me and my personality, and does not ridicule me, even in my weakest moments.”
  • “I can walk away from something embarassing and he lets me keep my pride.”
  • “He praises me in public and acts as if he is honored to be with me.”
  • “We use the golden rule and treat each other the way we want to be treated.”
  • “His attitude shows that I’m protected and honored.
  • “He shows that I’m sincerely loved and respected; so I’m happy and relaxed in public.”
  • “I receive fairness and equality from the most important person in my life: him”

Now that we know what the dream is composed of, how could you get it?  By having a clear picture of what is the dream situation, you are doing a giant step ahead. Now that you know that respect and equality is what you wish for, how can you plan to obtain more of it?

 

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: impact of passive aggression, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive definition, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How do you dream to have your emotional needs satisfied?

July 30, 2010 By

Days ago, we invited you to answer a survey about your dreams of happiness in a relationship. There were several questions, of which this is the first. We will publish the others shortly. Here are your  answers, expressing a deeply felt dream in this way:

When “My Emotional Needs are Ignored,” the dream I’m yearning for is…being cherished as his partner.


  1. “My dream is that he would show a willingness to address my emotional needs. He does not recognize and address my needs, even though I do so for him, and this creates a lonely feeling of dissatisfaction. Ideally, he would WANT to do this instead of denying that he may be causing my lack of fulfillment.”

 

  1. “I would like to feel I am part of a couple; that I am with someone who cares enough to listen when I need something and try to help. I’m not asking for someone perfect who will give me riches and rose petals on the bed… just someone who loves me enough to make me feel loved. With my PA husband, I feel that he gives me the exact opposite of the things I need: loneliness, lack of affection, and punishment for wanting more.”

 

  1. “My emotional needs should be important to my partner, even if he does not understand why. If I communicate my needs, I expect him to try to meet them, not undermine how I feel. He may say “They matter, you matter,” but that shouldn’t be said, it should be proven. Is it too much to ask that he try to make me happy?”

 

IN WHAT OTHER WAYS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE SATISFIED?

  • “He feels good when satisfying my emotional needs!”
  • “He notices that I’m upset and wants to discuss it or proposes an agreement on how we can both be satisfied.”
  • “He can listen to my needs description without hostility, and with keen interest.”
  • “He makes me feel heard, loved, cared for, by kissing and hugging me.”
  • “I hear him saying, “I’m sorry,” “I’m gonna try my best,” “I love you”…”
  • “He cares about my emotional happiness and is eager that we both be fullfilled in our marriage.”
  • “I makes me feel like I matter; that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings are respected and valued rather than ignored, minimized, or rejected.”
  • “My emotions are okay with him and don’t change his perception of me.”
  • “He never issues emotional threats that devalue me.”
  • “I simply need to be loved, validated and respected.”
  • “He makes me feel my emotional needs are as important as his or anyone else’s. Every human being needs these things to feel a connection to the good in the world.”

WELL, this is a lot of food for thought, right? as always, you can chip in any time, with your comments or letters…Now, wait for the next one!

 

 

 

Neil Warner

Neil Warner

I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today.

Filed Under: passive aggressive behavior, Passive Aggressive Husband, passive aggressive marriage, passive aggressive personality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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